A leaked transcript from the JB Hi-Fi Mother’s Day catalogue planning meeting

Breaking news

I have been leaked the minutes to a Mother’s Day gift guide focus group for JB Hi-Fi store. Here is the unedited transcript of the hour-long meeting.

I have obtained an exclusive transcript of the focus group that become the basis for two 2021 Mother’s Day JB Hi-Fi catalogues – one which featured a robot vacuum cleaner, a stand-up vacuum cleaner, and 15 kitchen appliances including a microwave, and one which included 18 watches, six microwaves, nine blenders, three electric toothbrushes and the most beautiful gift you can give a mother: A scale that tells you how much body fat you have.

As we could not tell the difference between the voices of the men who attended the focus group, we will not attribute quotes. We were able to identify the focus group facilitator Steve Stevenson – his quotes are in bold.

Hi, thanks for being here today. I’d like to thank you for attending this focus group to decide what we include in the JB Hi-Fi catalogues for Mother’s Day. I’ll just call your names out here and if you’re present just say hello.

Steve Johnson?

Hi Steve.

Steve Adamson?

Hi Steve.

Steve Donaldson?

Hi Steve.

Steve Danielson.

Hi Steve.

Dr Steve Peterson.

Hi Steve.

Steve Jacobson.

Hi Steve.

Steve Steveson?

Oh that’s me! Fantastic. OK, let’s kick this off boys. The purpose of this focus group is to choose what to put in the Mother’s Day catalogues. What do you think mothers would like for Mother’s Day? Let’s just throw some ideas out there. Steve – yes? You don’t have to put your hand up, just yell out ideas.

I think probably a shaver.

STEVE! Have you learned nothing from 2019? No shavers OK?

But she will still brush her teeth right?

Of course, we will put in one razor and two electric toothbrushes. Times have changed, it’s 2021 we can’t just be out here yelling SHAVE HER you know?

OK but she will be weighed right?

We will put in one set of scales.

Will the scales give her a percentage breakdown of her body fat?

Of course. What would be the point of giving a mother scales for Mother’s Day if the scales didn’t do that? But we need new ideas boys. Hit me.

Vacuum cleaners. Women love to vacuum. They have a lot of body hair that has been shaved with their Mother’s Day razors. They need to suck up the hair.

It’s true, they do love to vacuum but, is that a bit sexist?

Wow, wow Steve - We don’t use the S word around here.

I just mean…shouldn’t it be a Robot Vacuum so we’re saying, yes - it’s your job to vacuum obviously, but we’re new age men so we got you a robot vacuum to do it for you?

Shit Steve. That’s fucking genius. A Robot Vacuum. Picture it boys: She wakes, Mother’s Day morning. She shaves her whole body, uses an electric toothbrush to clean every crevice. And then she goes to vacuum and you say - sit down babe. I got you something. And it’s a Robot Vacuum. GOD FUCKING DAMN THAT IS GOOD STEVE. JESUS FUCK. I’M HARD.

Wait, there’s a step missing. She makes a coffee. She’s sleep deprived. She needs coffee. She makes a coffee from one of 16 machines. I knew a woman once and she was so tired from shaving and using a rice cooker that she drank a lot of coffee.

I just want to say my wife really loves rice cookers.

Yeah, I have a girlfriend and when she sleeps she screams a lot.

Sorry Steve?

She screams and her screams are terrifying. Like she’s possessed. I try to wake her but I can’t. She just screams and screams into the night. The air chills and there’s nothing I can do. When she wakes, I try to tell her about the screaming but she just says I’m imagining it. But I know I’m not. I am so afraid.

Wow, I don’t want to speak out of line Steve but…Does she have a rice cooker?

She doesn’t.

Well, there’s your first problem.

My mother loves rice cookers.

Yeah my wife is just really into rice cookers in a big way. She talks about her rice cooker all the time.

OK, so we definitely need razors, electric toothbrushes, scales, rice cookers and of course vacuum cleaners. What else?

My wife likes to tell the time. She will often say “It’s 11am are you getting up?” or “It’s 12.15” or “No. It’s 9.30pm and I have a headache, leave me the fuck alone Steve”.

My girlfriend also looks at her watch when she wants to know the time. She really enjoys it.

This is amazing insight boys. We need 22 watches. STAT.

This might sound crazy but, my wife likes to take the temperature of the kids when they’re sick?

What for?

I think, I think it’s something to do with fevers?

Amazing. Never heard of it. Wow.

She sometimes takes her own temperature.

This is incredible. They want to take temperatures. Well, we know what to do boys don’t we?

[The group of men shout joyously at the same time - but repeat many different words as Steve Stevenson yells “thermometer”].

Temperature!

WARM!

Air!

Coldness!

Thermos!

Red Dot Thing!

HOT STICK!

Beautiful. Well, we’ve basically filled the whole catalogue. We just need to break it all up into segments. And I’m thinking - there must be more than one type of mum right?

[There is 15 minutes of silence]

Shave mum?

No, they all like shaving. I mean like maybe a mum who wears clothes is a “fashion mum?”

[There is a commotion. The men start yelling over each other with increasing exuberance.]

Eco mum!

Fitness mum!

Mum on the Go!

Cheese mum!

72 inch TV mum!

Coffee mum!

Screaming mum!

I am blown away. Every year I am blown away by you boys [Steve’s voice breaks with tears] I just-

[There is a collective gasp and a woman’s voice is heard.]

Steve, what’s happening here? Do not tell me you are trying to do a fucking Mother’s Day catalogue again.

Marie! It’s not what it looks like.

Are you, are you not wearing pants Steve? Is that….Oh my GOD is that a robot vacuum?

[At this point the sound cut off abruptly]

Happy Mother’s Day. x You know what would be a good present? Tickets to come and see Rebecca Keil and I on the Just Fucking Doing It tour!