A weekend in Ōtautahi

Emily Writes Weekly

It wasn’t until I was on the plane, on my way to Christchurch, that I actually believed I’d make it to the Word Festival. There had been so many iterations of the programme, my appearance had been cancelled, then tentatively rescheduled…it seemed impossible that Covid 19 wouldn’t ruin all of our plans again.It seemed impossible that Covid 19 wouldn’t ruin all of our plans again.

But I made it.

I can’t really describe to you what writers festivals are like. I’ve been to quite a few now and truly, as a reader I am in Heaven every time. You get to meet and hear from authors you’ve known and loved for so long. As a writer I am sometimes staying with writers I’ve adored for the longest time. It’s incredible.

I spoke at the Town Hall on Friday night. It’s such a beautiful venue. But I freaked out because we were on stage while the other performers spoke. I prefer to be watching from the crowd because I get very caught up in listening. I cried my eyes out listening to Hinemoa Elder speak so beautifully about our fears and uncertainties around Covid 19. I had that beautiful moment when you’re listening to a speaker and you feel like it’s just you and them.

But of course, I was on stage. And there were no tissues. And I was starting to really snot everywhere. And I was like, where do I wipe my hand??? And then I cried while Kyle Mewburn spoke as well. And yelled at her to “keep going!” when she was going to stop speaking. I mean - THE AUTHOR OF OLD HU-HU!

I spoke last which is always the worst spot ever because everyone else has been really good and you have to end the night. By that stage I needed to wee so bad because I had been nervously drinking water the whole way through everyone else’s readings.

All I could think about was how I needed to pee but couldn’t walk off stage because that would be weird and might distract people from the author who was speaking. Then when I stood up my thighs had stuck together from the heat and were like velcro and I felt sure everyone heard them pull apart.

And then my dress got stuck in my butt. And I walked bowlegged to the mic, while trying to pull my dress off my sweaty legs. And the first thing I said was something like “I’m very sweaty. You’re a very sweaty city”. And then I said something about chub rub. It’s very embarrassing.

Afterward we had drinks outside on New Regent Street until midnight and I kind of feel deeply in love with Ōtautahi. And everyone in Ōtautahi.

In the morning I got to visit and snuggle B’s baby which was an absolute delight. Then I got to have coffee with the amazing Tusiata Avia. This was absolutely BEYOND a treat.

I saw Helen Garner (one of my favourite writers) zoom in from Melbourne and I was fascinated by what she said about one of her ex-husbands not wanting her to write about him. She said it was her need, want and right to write about him. Right - that really hit me. I think I have the need in there but I don’t know if that gives me a right.

I was so lucky to be on a table with Rachel King (the incredible curator of Word) and other amazing women writers and we had a great conversation about how we feel about writing creative non-fiction. How do we protect our loved ones? What do we do when someone won’t let us tell our story because they feature in it?

A pop-up festival was downstairs and I loved being in this joyful, queer, writerly audience where we enjoyed beautiful and incredible funny poetry. I felt real imposter syndrome getting up and doing my bit. But it seemed to work. Everyone laughed.

Afterward we searched Christchurch for a place to have a drink. Incredible at like 1am - nothing was open. We managed to find one place that would stay open and continued on. Some folks left but we stayed cackling into the night on a park bench. We then moved to my hotel room and suddenly it was 6am.

These nights last forever I think because we don’t want them to end. Everyone wants to feel seen and heard and a festival gives you that opportunity to share what you have to say. No matter what it is - it will resonate with somebody because we all have word shaped holes in our hearts that need to be filled.

Covid 19 feels like it’s coming. My husband says it feels like we’re about to be hit by a tsunami but I feel like it’s been coming for so long that it’s the uncertainty that’s crushing me.

That night in Christchurch felt like a lighthouse. Inside those hours the storm couldn’t touch us and we didn’t want the safety of it to end. We kept saying - it’s time to go - but nobody made any moves.

I wish everyone could have that feeling I had, even if I only had it for those hours. I felt like I’d worked and the work had mattered. I felt like I was seen and heard. I felt like it might just all be okay because how could it not be?

The storm might be coming. Is coming. For now though, I am holding on, standing and facing the wind and trying to get every last drop of these good, good moments to keep me going when the night becomes dark.

When I start to feel afraid or overwhelmed, I’ll try to take myself back and remember what it felt like.

I hope you have something, no matter how big or small, to hold onto with whatever we face in the coming months.

Christmas is coming and I have a couple of books (Rants in the Dark & Is it Bedtime Yet?) I can sell and personalise if you’re looking for a Christmas gift. I can sell them to paid subscribers for $30 signed with a message. I figure post will be about $5? Anyway - Just an idea! Aroha nui Emily x

My Christchurch Word reading list

Tusiata Avia - The Savage Coloniser Book - it won the Poetry Award at the Ockham New Zealand Book Awards and is amazing. Tusi is the greatest performer I’ve ever seen at a Writers Festival. She’s amazing.

Kyle Mewburn - Faking It, My Life in Transition. I’m reading this one now and it’s beautiful. Kyle is just the loveliest woman, I adored spending time with her in Christchurch. (Also obviously read Old Hu-Hu).

Faumuina Felolini Maria Tafuna'i - My Grandfather is a Canoe. Oh my gosh! Stunning! Love Faumuina and love her incredible poetry.

Hinemoa Elder - Aroha: Maori wisdom for a contented life lived in harmony with our planet - I love this book and I love Dr. Hinemoa Elder’s beautiful words.

Julie Zarifeh - Grief on the Run - Julie is so lovely. She has a powerful story to share about losing her husband and son within days of each other.

Laura Borrowdale - Sex, With Animals - I love Laura and I love her horny books.

Amy Blythe - Within my reach - Haven’t read this one yet but bisexual Jane Austin has got me immediately lol.

Helen Garner - All of her non-fiction stuff - I really am most obsessed with Joe Cinque's Consolation: A True Story of Death, Grief and the Law and This House of Grief – The Story of a Murder Trial but Helen Garner just released her diaries and I’m looking forward to reading through them.

Ben Brown - How Did I Get Here? Soliloquies Of Youth - In January 2020 poet Ben Brown took a box of biros, an A4 ream of paper and a question to 28 YPs—young people—living in Te Puna Wai o Tūhinapō, the Oranga Tamariki youth justice residence next door to Rolleston Prison, south-west of Christchurch. He asked them, ‘How did you get here?’

Other amazing writers and poets to keep an eye out for: Siobhan Tumai, Danielle O’Halloran-Thyne, Arielle Kauaeroa, DK Verrian, Kahurangi Bronsson-George, Isla Reeves, and Erik Kennedy.

I was also obsessed with poet Nathan Joe so I’ll leave you with one of his poems -