All kids need sex education at school

We can't let the Christian Right take it away...

This is a topic very dear to my heart. I once worked at Family Planning [amazing people, amazing place] and I was once a closeted teenager armed with no information about sex having lots of sex. I know what happens when you don’t give young people information about sex, sexuality, consent, and relationships. But I’m not an expert. Ross (in my opinion) is.

Ross Palethorpe (he/they) is a provisional member of the New Zealand Association of Counsellors. He's worked in education since 2005 and currently works as a school counsellor. Here he shares the importance of sex and relationships education but even more crucially - he talks about what is at stake with the religious right in Aotearoa, firing up for a fight.

I hope you will read and share and act. Ross has done such a great job of explaining what’s happening. It certainly made me realise I need to act now and not just talk about it! - Emily x

I want you to take a moment and think about how we approach driving and car safety in our culture. It shapes the society we live in. Not everybody drives, but the ones who do are expected to have a level of understanding and safety awareness about it. There’s a wealth of training and information available for everyone, both at an age where they’re taking part but also education about safety and awareness for kids as well. Pre-schoolers don’t need to know the effect alcohol has on reaction times for example, but they do need to know about roads and looking both ways before crossing the street. Young adults watch TV shows and films where driving is shown to be fast, dangerous and consequence-free, but this is tempered with the education they receive and the community support they get to know the difference between the Fast and the Furious and the real world. If you’re unsafe or harm others, there can be consequences. The advice and guidance you got at school about road safety is probably very different to the advice your kids get, but the roads are different now! Even the tests have changed.

The system is far from perfect, but very few people question the need for driver training, road safety education and the role of the state in reducing the risk. Even if you’ve been an incredibly diligent and careful driver all your life, can you say the same for everyone else on the road?

Compare that to our approach to sex and relationships. A foundational aspect of our identities that as a culture we hide from children and young people, and then fret when they struggle to keep themselves safe. Young adults who know they’re expected to somehow do this thing right, with no access to support, turning to porn or guys like Andrew Tate for advice. Kids who are exposed to heterosexual relationships in cartoons and movies as soon as they can focus their eyes, told repeatedly to kiss great-uncle even though he makes them feel weird, never told that actually, they can say no. You might be the most open-minded caregiver who has been using correct language for body parts and teaching consent (and a huge mihi to you for that work!) but don’t you want your child’s peers to have that same level of understanding?

Photo by Taylor Flowe

I was a high school science and health teacher for a long time, and I used to work for an NGO delivering sexuality and relationship education (SRE). I’m now a counsellor, working with adults and teenagers. I can’t stress enough how important it is that every single child, teenager and adult has access to education on how to keep themselves and others safe in relationships, and how to navigate their own sexuality. Unfortunately, Pākēha culture is riddled with shame and discomfort around sex and sexuality, and people tend to want things that make them feel uncomfortable to go away. But why does the cost of our discomfort need to be the safety and wellbeing of the generations behind us?

For most of us, I’m sure, there’s a residual squeamishness about some aspect of SRE. That memory of a very awkward teacher delivering a single lesson about condoms, or the look of anger on your dad’s face when you innocently asked him about something you’d heard in the playground, which meant you never asked again. And despite that, we survived! But most of us are also carrying the cost of that ignorance, and some, tragically, don’t survive it. Ensuring that our young people know about their bodies, about consent, about harm reduction, has to be a team effort. We must look at the picture beyond our own discomfort.

I write this because at the moment, our young people’s right to an education is under attack. Fundamentalist organisations like Destiny Church and Family First see the government guidelines on SRE as a threat to what they see as an area of education that should be the sole responsibility of the parent. They don’t see that supporting our rangatahi to be respectful, safe partners and healthy adults takes a community, and keeps us all safe. And they’re playing dirty. Family First have released a guide on how to stop schools teaching SRE, and in Tauranga there is a Facebook campaign to take children out of schools for the entirety of Schools’ Pride Week in June.

If these campaigns are successful, teaching young people about sexuality and relationships will be seen as too dangerous and too exhausting by an education system already stretched to its limits. Teachers will have no choice but to stop this vital work. Schools will become unsafe for gender diverse and LGBT+ staff and children and our children will grow up soaking in a culture where relationships are permitted only within a very narrow scope. A culture where young people are taught only shame and kept in ignorance.

The research on the effect of good quality, collaborative SRE on reducing rates of sexual harm against children, on reducing teenage pregnancies, STI infections, on mental health and wellbeing outcomes for young people, is irrefutable at this point. Informed children are safe children. Confident teenagers make better decisions about healthcare and relationships than teenagers making decisions out of panic and fear.

So, what can you do about it? Short answer, support your school or kura. Let them know that you want SRE to be taught. Turn up to the meeting where they show you the materials they’re planning on using (NZ Police’s Keeping Ourselves Safe and Family Planning’s Navigating the Journey are both pretty good if they’re not sure what to look for). Push back on fearmongering narratives about SRE wherever you see them. You can also educate yourself, so that you feel more comfortable to have these conversations. Family Planning’s Open and Honest course offers a supportive, safe space to learn strategies to have these discussions both with your kids but also the other adults in your kids’ lives. Inside Out have a superb range of resources for kura, schools, whānau and rangatahi.

A lack of education never stopped older generations from getting into relationships, making mistakes, or dealing with the consequences. Sex and relationships education benefits them, and all of us. Don’t let disinformation and rage put all our kids at risk.