DOC plan to handle bad boi snakes
An OIA request with shocking results
Three venomous sea snakes have washed up on New Zealand shores. I requested information from the Department of Conservation through an OIA* and you’ll never believe what I found out about Operation Farewell Long Boi.
Last week, a third deadly sea snake was found at Tangimoana Beach on the Manawatū Coast. The yellow-bellied sea snake.
The other two sea snakes were found in Northland at Woolleys Bay and at Tokerau Beach in Doubtless Bay. The snakes have been described as “really fucking dangerous” by a guy in the line at L’affare who knows nothing about snakes but insists on acting like he does when you’re just trying to buy a coffee in peace.
There is no anti-venom in New Zealand to treat sea snake bites.
I requested information from the Department of Conservation** through an Official Information request to find out how they were handling the snake situation. The document will shock you.
Official Information Request: 12 May, 2020: DOC Operation Farewell Long Boi
Following the discovery of snakes illegally crossing the border into New Zealand we must now seek approval for Operation Long Boi.
Operation Long Boi aims to eradicate all water snakes from New Zealand shores. The following options are available, including risk and opportunity assessments.
Dwayne The Rock Johnson
It is proposed that we send Dwayne The Rock Johnson up North and he can handle the snakes.
Risk: The snakes may become to aroused in his presence which may cause them to bite him. We would lose Dwayne The Rock Johnson, the greatest human of all time.
Opportunities: He might get wet.
Six60
It is proposed we send the band Six60 to trap and kill the snakes.
Risk: High cost in getting them since they have inexplicably become New Zealand’s most popular band despite sounding like their entire catalogue could be renamed “Music they play at Farmers”.
Opportunities: We would get a temporary break from Six60.
Jeff
It is proposed we send Jeff who has a podcast called Jacked Up with Jeff to kill the snakes.
Risk: It’s possible that Jeff actually knows nothing about snakes.
Opportunity: Jeff told Dr Helen Greenwood, a scientist who has studied snakes for 27 years, that she was actually wrong about snakes and Jeff who did two lessons at Les Mills to become a personal trainer before he dropped out actually knows more about snakes than she does. And sea snakes are actually only poisonous if they bite you near your heart but if it’s just a finger or like a toe that’s OK because he listened to a podcast about it and actually his uncle is a scientist and said climate change isn’t real.
Brian Tamaki
It’s proposed we send Brian Tamaki to be bitten by the snakes.
Risk: Could buy into Adam and Eve fetish that Brian Tamaki has. This is mitigated by the fact that everyone agrees Brian Tamaki deserves to be bitten by a snake.
Opportunities: Brian Tamaki is bitten by a snake. The Snake recognises Brian Tamaki as his kin.
Contestants from Drag Race Down Under
It is proposed that we send the cast of Drag Race Down Under to the snakes so they can observe them and provide us with more information.
Risk: Nothing is worse losing Michelle Visage for.
Opportunities: Just think of the puns and sexual innuendo.
Local vegan Chia River
Risk: What if she’s not an expert in animal psychology and she’s just going through a phase?
Opportunity: She will definitely be able to handle the snakes since she has written a thousand word comment on Facebook about how the water is the snakes home and they can easily be moved away with a simple Buddhist chant.
A property manager
It is proposed we send a Property Manager to evict the snakes.
Risk: The snakes are sentient so they may realise that the property managers are wealth hoarding and increasing the gap between rich and poor in this country while commercialising shelter which everyone is entitled to as recognised in the 1948 Universal Declaration of Human rights - the right to adequate housing. In retaliation the snakes may form a union and attack the property managers.
Opportunities: The above might happen.
Wellness Influencer BlessedinSponsorship
It is proposed we send in wellness influencer BlessedinSponsorship to reorganise the snakes.
Risk: Very large cost involved as wellness influencers rarely do anything for their community for free. Will have to say the snake is a member of Qanon to get them interested.
Opportunities: Can organise a sponsorship deal where the influencer can take oil from the snakes to sell as a cure for Covid 19 on their instagram accounts. Use the code BLESSEDINSNAKES for 20% off.
An 11 year-old kid from Palmy
It is proposed we just let a Kiwi kid handle it.
Risk: Huge.
Opportunities: No fear. Will just grab it and take it to the dairy to find out what it is, then put it in a bucket, take it to Palmy, then cut its head off once its dead.
Advice from DOC: We believe option 9 is the most sensible option.
The yellow-bellied sea snake that washed up on Tokerau Beach in Doubtless Bay, Northland, at the weekend. Photo / Samantha Cooper stolen from NZ HERALD
*It pains me to say this, but I didn’t. This is not real.
**Again, I didn’t. Not real.
I would like to vote for Option 1 as many times as possible, please. In the event that Option 1 wins, I would happily contribute to a training programme to ensure The Rock doesn't get bitten while he undertakes this vital work on behalf of NZers...
The chuckles, this and the JB HiFi post, thankyou !