Help! I don't know what games are safe for my kids...
A gamer helps non-gamer parents.
I am so thankful to Josh Drummond of the amazing newsletters The Bad News Letter and The Cynic's Guide To Self-Improvement for this super helpful post! My kids are gaming-mad and I….am not. After reading this I sat down with my kids and played some Fortnight and it was a real game-changer. I know you’ll get a lot out of this post too if you’re a non-gamer parent. Thank you again Josh! And subscribe to Josh’s great newsletters. Over to Josh:
Gidday. So Emily put up a chat a few weeks ago that said “After much badgering from the kids we got a game boy thing for them to play and told them they would have to come to us with reasonable rules. We would then discuss the rules at a whānau hui and have a cemented set of guidelines and rules for play.”
What caught my eye wasn’t the sensible set of agreed-upon rules and boundaries for video gaming — that’s just kind of what I expect from Emily at this point! Instead, I was interested to find out what sort of Game Boy Thing she’d purchased.
Hilariously, it turned out to be not a Game Boy but a PlayStation 4, and I learned something new: that Emily is one of the sizable subset (perhaps a majority!) of non-gamer parents who have rabid gamer kids.
For me, as a nearly life-long gamer and relatively recent parent, not gaming is a strange but obvious concept. I think of gaming the same way others think of things like “books” or “movies” or “Succession” (Did I get the reference right? I think that’s the TV show everyone watches these days, judging from every third post on social media.) To me, gaming is an obvious form of entertainment. But I’ve also been on the receiving end of weird looks when I try to explain to people that I’m completely uninterested in something popular. For me, it’s watching sport, and as a cis guy in New Zealand admitting you aren’t into sport is still a lot like saying “Yeah nah, I don’t drink water.”
Having had that experience, I figured the least I could do is write a bit of an explainer about a complex, confusing topic. This guide is intended for non-gaming parents of younger kids, aged up to about 13 — once they’re teenagers, gaming is a whole different, uh, game. But you knew that already.
Why video games?
The first thing I think I should tackle is why people like games at all. It goes something like this:
Imagine a painting. The most beautiful, inviting scene you can think of, rendered in whatever art style brings you joy; an unspoiled paradise world, full of adventure and comfort.
Now imagine you get to step into that painting; to explore it, to dive into every detail. To inhabit a place that is not this place, with its cares and climate change and complexity; to be a citizen of somewhere else. To jump in and out as you please.
Now imagine the painting is also a book; full of characters with stories of their own, ideals and personalities and motivations. And each of these people want to meet you, and for your story (for you also have a story, an important one) to form part of theirs, unifying and blending into a greater whole. And the book is full of surprises and twists and turns and terror, with a great evil that must be defeated, and only the main character, who is of course you, can change the course of this world for the better.
Now imagine this book is also your favourite sport or board game, with rules that are clever and intricate and hard yet joyful to learn and wrestle with and (occasionally) break, and that when you perform or excel in this game’s systems you are showered with rich reward.
Now imagine that this game is a place, where your friends and family can play with you, and experience what you love so much about it, and compete amongst yourselves and swap stories that soon evolve into myth: “and then the hero sprang up from the depths and verily, he swam thru the beast’s body, and lo, it was defeated, with a sword to the balls.”
That is why people like video games.
Let’s look at why some people don’t like them.
A lot of video games are really hard
Ever sat around a table feeling an increasing urge to plummet into a coma as someone drones out a list of board-game rules? Many video games have a similarly high barrier to entry, especially those that require moving a character in a 3D space and the use of a controller. I just counted, and my Xbox controller has 15 buttons/control surfaces (and possibly more, depending on how you’re counting). Let’s not forget that, although there are plenty of commonalities between video game control schemes, nearly every game will be different enough to require a learning curve. And figuring out movement is just the start; once you’ve done that you need to learn gameplay. Many video games will have tutorials that last for hours. Others will throw you in the deep end, giving new players no advice at all. These systems can be incredibly rewarding and very intuitive once you learn them, but for a perplexed parent who has limited time they may as well be a foreign language. It’s a huge barrier to entry.
There are a lot of misconceptions around games
Video gaming is a gigantic industry, bigger than music and movies combined. Games are a cornerstone of global culture. Most gamers are adults (even though games remain enduringly popular with kids.) But if you mostly watched mainstream media you’d probably never know. Somehow, mainstream news media has contrived to treat video games like a curiosity for children. There have been some positive changes in coverage quality over time, but gaming is still poorly served by mainstream news.
The media’s wilful ignorance of gaming has led to a number of cultural problems, not least hyping up an almost entirely non-existent link between video games and violence. Despite years of increasingly weary declamations from the likes of the American Psychological Association that there is no evidence of a link between gaming and violence, it’s a hobby-horse the media loves to climb back on every time it’s revealed that an awful murderer played a game once. (For United States readers: it’s the guns, not the games.)
However, it’s important to remember that “violence” is quite a specific term in the social sciences and that there is evidence of a link between gaming and aggression, specifically “a small, reliable association between violent video game use and aggressive outcomes, such as yelling and pushing.” Anyone, including me, who has ever felt the urge to hurl a controller at a cheeky brother after losing at Halo will know exactly what I’m talking about. I do not think this is any more problematic than other pastimes like contact sports or playing with Lego, which also contributed to plenty of aggression when I was a kid, but it’s something for parents to know about and watch out for. Which leads me to my next point:
Many games are extremely not for children
A long time ago I worked at an electronics store and there was a sight I came to dread: a 12-ish-year-old kid eagerly approaching the counter with a copy of Grand Theft Auto IV, mum or dad in tow.
“Can I buy this please?” they’d say, eyes shining.
“I’m sorry, I can’t sell you that. It’s rated R18.” Their face would fall. They’d turn to Dad.
“Fine! I’ll buy it,” Dad would say, slapping a card on the counter. I knew what was coming, because it always went the same way.
“Are you buying it for them?” I’d say, indicating the kid, thinking come on, dingbat, all you have to say is no, it’s for me.
“Of course I’m buying it for the kid! It’s a birthday present!” Belligerent stare. I dare you not to sell me this game, motherfucker.
“I can’t sell you this game. It’s illegal.”
Dad, furious: “Get me your manager!”
The manager, wearily: “We can’t sell you this game.”
This happened multiple times — sometimes several times a week. No matter how many times I tried to explain that the situation was exactly analogous to taking your kid to a porn shop to grab them a copy of Anal Angels 11, they refused to see it. Games are for kids, they insisted, despite the unmissable bright red sticker on the front of Grand Theft Auto that said “R18.”
If you didn’t know this already, you need to: just like movies and TV shows, many, many games are not for kids. Let me illustrate: in Grand Theft Auto V, the opening cutscene for the character Trevor features him stomping a man’s head into a kerb as he screams “Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt CUNT!”
I don’t want to put you off letting your kids play games. But I do want to put you off getting your children games created specifically for adults. Fortunately, New Zealand has a relatively mature approach to videogame classification; here, games are treated much the same way as movies. Videogame classification is described here, and there’s a searchable classification database here.
The real video nasties
The biggest issue I have with mainstream media’s awkward coverage of gaming is they often miss real issues. A huge problem in gaming is a concept often called gacha.
Many video games — especially on mobile devices but increasingly on consoles — use extremely addictive, coercive mechanics to get players to spend money. Gacha is a Japanese word that is increasingly used as an umbrella term to describe mechanics like free-to-play, pay-to-win, loot boxes (kind of like a virtual pinata full of goodies) and other coercive game-adjacent mechanics that come straight from the gambling industry. Here’s how it works.
Let’s say you’re a kid playing a game described as “free to play!” You finish a match and oh, look! You’ve earned a Legendary loot box! You hold a button to open it, and there’s an on-screen burst of fireworks and a fanfare plays. Exciting! But what’s in it isn’t quite the cool costume you wanted for your character. Aww. But wait! The costume you’re after is for sale, in the in-game shop! And it’s 50 percent off — but only for the next 20 minutes! Oh no! Where’s mum’s credit card? Your pocket money is due later this week, surely she won’t mind if you take out an advance, especially when it’s 50 percent off…
I’ve dropped a lot of jargon just there so I’ll put it in terms that non-gaming parents will get: in-game characters are virtual dolls that are provided for free, and the hats and dresses and uniforms cost in-game money, earned either with a.) a really long time playing the game or b.) a really quick swipe of a credit card. Fortnite, a multiplayer game that can be played entirely for free, is riddled with this stuff, and there is a deeply unfortunate in-game culture where players are mocked for not having the latest and best costumes and dances, which are often only readily available in exchange for money. I like Fortnite, and I think it can be a suitable game for kids, but only when parents are aware of these ultra-capitalist pitfalls and are keeping an eye on how their kids interact with them.
Even nastier nasties
Gacha and gambling mechanics in games are a big problem, but there are worse ones. Many online games have voice chat, and, once again, it pays to be very aware of what can potentially go on. The most common problem is hate speech. Voice lobbies are full of shitheads who will happily model the worst possible language for your kids to learn. Furious, foul voice and text messages berating players for winning, losing, and everything in between are not uncommon. Stranger danger is real in many gaming spaces: they can be used to begin coercive or inappropriate friendships, or (in worst cases) for grooming.
Over my time in gaming, this scene has slowly gotten better. Companies are realising they can be on the hook for what transpires in their lobbies and have cracked down hard on hate speech and other inappropriate communications. Ten years ago, I’d be called “f****t” at least once per online game; these days it’s rare, and often results in an instant ban when reported.
Streamers
I have a pet theory of gaming influencers and audiences. There are gamers — who are normal people, including most people who play games often or occasionally — and then there are capital-G Gamers, who are the scum of the earth. These are the obnoxious shitheads behind Gamergate, a meticulously organised online harassment campaign that purported to be about industry-influenced video game coverage (a small but real problem) but was actually mostly peddling misogyny (a much real-er problem.) Sadly, while there are many video game streamers and influencers who are decent, positive people, there are plenty who will happily lean into Gamer bullshit to fuel controversy and garner clicks. And a lot of these edgelord dickbags are really popular, especially with kids.
Here, as always, parents just need to be aware. If your kid likes watching Twitch or YouTube game streamers, that’s not a problem in itself. But you can learn a lot by engaging. “Oh hey, you like xX~tHe|EdGe69~Xx? Cool! I’ll check them out now!” If their response is unmitigated horror, you might have found a problem.
A lot of the stuff that capital-G Gamers set out to defend are the things that gaming needs least: unrealistic or problematic body proportions, weird hypersexualization, casual misogyny, consequence-free violence. Happily, despite the screaming manchildren and profit incentives, gaming is having these discussions, and — at least in my opinion — it’s slowly becoming a less toxic and more inclusive space. And games themselves (as I’ll get to soon) are better for it.
Toxic gameplay, controller-throwing, table-flipping, and addiction
The final gaming issue I want to talk about is the one you’re most likely to experience: kids getting mad at each other over games, or at the game itself. As I mentioned earlier, video games, particularly violent games, are correlated with some aggressive behaviours. This is not necessarily cause for alarm but, as with everything else, it’s something to look out for.
While video games are not bad for your brain, they are mentally taxing and time-consuming by design. They can foster compulsive behaviours that can look a lot like addiction in both children and adults. It’s very easy for kids — and me! — to stay up late playing games, get very little sleep, and be a wreck the next day. What’s more, kids (particularly neurodivergent kids) can find competitive games difficult, especially if they feel that another team or the game itself is being “unfair.” This can lead to meltdowns; in gamer-speak, it’s called “tilted.” Adults are not immune: my language (not on mic!) during nighttime Halo sessions could melt steel beams. It is something I am trying actively to fix, as it’s not a habit I want to pass on to my kids.
These are good things to discuss at family meetings/hui, with clear expectations set around behaviour while playing games. Boundaries are everything. Kids need to know that gaming time is a privilege, not a right.
The good in gaming
I’ve given a lot of space to the issues with video games, but I don’t want to overwhelm. The problems are real and parents need to be aware of them, but I firmly believe when it comes to games, the good massively outweighs the bad.
Video games aren’t a waste of time
While video games can be extremely time-consuming, which is absolutely something for parents to keep an eye on, they also foster plenty of positive skills development. Coupled with good parenting, they can aid critical thinking, hand-eye coordination, problem solving, a healthy attitude to winning, losing and competition. Video game development is a perfectly viable career, as is making video game media (although I don’t encourage trying to become a gaming influencer on social media — that field is incredibly over-saturated. It can definitely be done, but it’s really for those who are incredibly dedicated and driven.)
Another note on time: many games these days take a seriously long time to finish. This is a mixed bag containing only a few blessings, but one is that you simply don’t need to buy too many games to stay entertained for a really long time. This is good, because games can be expensive. Let’s take the latest Legend of Zelda title, Tears of the Kingdom, as an example. The excellent resource How Long To Beat says this $100 NZD game will require a minimum of 52 hours to clock the main storyline. Let’s say your kids play for a (possibly too reasonable) eight hours per week. That means the game is going to take them a minimum of six weeks, and there’s plenty to do beyond the main storyline. Let’s conservatively add another 50 hours to the total and you’ve got a game that should keep the kids entertained for about three months. The cost breakdown looks more attractive this way too: in the example above, you’re spending about $8 per week of entertainment, or $1 an hour. That’s a lot cheaper than the movies!
Family time
While online games can be great, one of the best things about gaming is playing together, in the same physical space. It’s something that used to be taken for granted, but these days it’s rarer than it should be and it has its own terminology: local multiplayer or couch co-op. (Video game companies love making every single player have their own console/pc and copy of the game as it’s more profitable than splitting a game among four kids on a couch). Some of the best memories of my childhood are playing co-op and multiplayer games with my brothers. But single player games can easily be shared amongst siblings too: just pass the controller. If your kids can learn to enjoy watching each other play and solve puzzles together without too many outbreaks of controller-wrestling, there are good times ahead. I’ll put a list of good couch co-op games at the end of this article. Nintendo are great on this front: many of their multiplayer games specifically include couch co-op.
But how do I know what game to get?
Usually, your kids will ask you for a particular game, which makes your first question “Is it appropriate?” Head to the Classification Office’s search tool (if you’re a Kiwi) or the Entertainment Software Ratings Board (for Americans.) Either of these tools should tell you if a given game is suitable for your child’s age group.
If you want to surprise your kids with a game but want to make sure it’s a good one, you can head to Metacritic and search by score, filtering by whatever console you own. Anything rating over a 90 is going to be pretty amazing — just make sure it’s also kid-appropriate and you’re good to go.
Old games are (often) very good games
Your kids are going to be nagging you to get the latest and greatest console or PC to play games on. That’s fine if you’ve got the cash but is also completely unnecessary. Games (and consoles) come in generations; the PlayStation 5, confusingly, is a ninth-generation console. If you’re wanting cost-effective gaming on a console, the previous generation is where it’s at. PS4s and Xbox Ones and their games can be acquired cheaply, they’re still supported by their parent companies, and there are hundreds of thousands of games available for them; more than anyone could ever actually play. Nintendo uses a different tactic: they sell less technologically advanced consoles, meaning they cost a bit less, but place a premium on family-friendliness, local multiplayer, and online safety.
You also don’t really need a console to game on. PC and mobile games are both options, but there are heavy caveats. When it comes to PC games, taking games out of a common area like a lounge room and onto a laptop or PC often means taking away some parental oversight. For that reason, I think PC games tend to be more suitable for older kids. And mobile games — argh. Mobile games are the biggest market in gaming but they are plagued with coercive mechanics like gacha and pay-to-win; it’s genuinely hard to find a mobile game that doesn’t indulge in them. I avoid mobile games for this reason, and I’d advise against allowing kids access to them without serious oversight.
Conan, what is best in life?
I’ve spent this explainer leading up to a very important point. What is best for kids — and what kids often want — is for the adults in their lives to play games with them. This is especially the case when the adults in a child’s life aren’t gamers. Most of a child’s life is being taught things by adults, so it’s a huge buzz for a kid to turn the tables, teach the teacher, and show an adult how a game works. This can be humbling, and you might need to leave your ego on a shelf to mutter and fume, as I can promise you there will be no shortage of hilarity. “No, mum, that goes up there! Dad, you’re looking at the ceiling! You’re in the ceiling. How did you even get there? You just shot your team-mate! Why are you such an NPC? How are you so old?”
The other reason I suggest gaming with your kids is because it will make a lot of the potentially complex stuff I’ve talked about here become second nature. Crash Bandicoot, 20-button controllers, Fortnite: it’s all easy when you know how. You don’t need to become a hardcore gamer to get a lot of good out of it. Familiarising yourself with a couple of key games that your kids are into and some adjacent media won’t just help you understand gaming; it will help you understand your kids. And there’s not much in the world that’s more important than that.
But… I’ve read all that, and I still don’t know the best console to get!
If you have the ability, I would recommend buying one of the following, roughly in order of preference:
A second-hand or refurbished PS4 with as many controllers as you have kids. Fairly bulletproof, relatively cheap.
A new Nintendo Switch. More expensive than a second-hand console but has a fantastic range of family games. Buy new because the controllers can break and if you’re buying second-hand you won’t be able to get them replaced.
An new Xbox Series S. Less expensive than its more powerful brother, the Series X (I am sorry about the ridiculous naming convention, blame Microsoft) but it can run all modern games and lots of old ones that you can grab for cheap on the Microsoft store.
A short list of recommended games
I’ve played nearly all of these so I’m confident to give them a shout-out.
“Free” games to play with your kids
All these games have gacha mechanics to entice you to buy stuff — but remember: you don’t need to pay money to play these games. All the cosmetic stuff is entirely optional — but it’s also OK to buy some fun virtual stuff. If you want to reward your kids, set a budget ($10 a month is entirely reasonable,) take note of how much the real-money-to-in-game-currency exchange rate is, and link it to chores or something similar. Get them to earn their V-Bucks.
Fortnite.
Available on: Everything
Remember all that crap about the metaverse? Fortnite is the metaverse. It is technically a shooting game, but there’s no gore or over-the-top violence. Although it’s not quite the force it once was, I still recommend getting amongst it with your kids so you can understand the basics of one of our most powerful cultural phenomena. Also, you can do silly dances.
Fall Guys.
Available on: Consoles and PC
This is a favourite in our house: you control a clumsy little waddly dude and compete with online players to be the first to beat an obstacle course. Wildly, endlessly funny.
Rocket League.
Available on: Consoles and PC
It’s soccer, but with rocket-powered cars. You can play online, or via local multiplayer. It’s awesome.
Paid games to play with your kids
These games will cost you money to buy upfront, but because of this, they usually don’t try quite as hard to get you to spend more money on them after the fact.
Mario Kart 8
Available on: Nintendo Switch
The most fun racing game ever made, and the least serious. Easy pick-up-and-play game that’s hard to master.
Super Smash Bros
Available on: Nintendo Switch
The most fun fighting game ever made, in which Nintendo characters beat the living shit out of each other.
Mario Party
Available on: Nintendo Switch
Really fun mini-games mixed with a kind of OK virtual board game. Stick with the mini-game part and you’ll have a blast.
Minecraft
Available on: Everything, pretty much
You’ve heard of this one and you might have heard that it’s educational. It absolutely can be, but it is also a colossal time-sink. Hasn’t stopped me loving it though — the feeling of mining through a cave wall into a giant cavern filled with who-knows-what is unparalleled. Genuinely one of the best games ever made.
Among Us
Available on: Everything
A bunch of weird little dudes hoon around a spaceship doing tasks. Twists: one of them is an Imposter with an appetite for shanking. Great social deduction game.
Crash Bandicoot N Sane Trilogy
Available on: consoles and PC
It’s an old remastered series but the gameplay is simple, challenging, timeless, and good for kids.
Spyro Reignited trilogy
Available on: consoles and PC
Pretty much the same as what I said for the Crash trilogy.
Huge thanks again to Josh. Subscribe to Josh’s newsletters here.
I’d love to know how you bridge the gap with your kids when it comes to gaming - and what your favourite games to play together are!
Hi all, thanks for reading my non-gamer-parent gaming guide (and thanks so much to Emily for hosting it!) When I write guest articles I like to hang around in the comments and answer any questions people might have. There's a lot of stuff around gaming I just couldn't fit into an article that was already really long, so let me know if I can be any help. I've just had my Covid and flu booster so I'm feeling a bit foggy, but I'll do my best to be coherent :)
What I have found challenging is it was really easy to set boundaries with my kids when they were younger but now my eldest has just turned 18 and I’m like - I need to let him adult now! Both my husband and I have a couple of games we like to have a hoon on, and I think it’s heaps easier to have conversations about boundaries when it’s from a place of “oh, that’s annoying! I hate it when I have to stop playing to do real life” rather than acting like it’s all a waste of time. We have the privilege of space, so we have a room for all the gaming stuff and it’s all set up so that when I say “no gaming in bedrooms” it’s not punitive, it’s like “you have a place to play”. We loved the Wii and now we love the Switch, our Xbox mostly gathers dust!