How to set a boundary with your family about vaccination

A gift from the Awhi Ngā Mātua community

On the weekend people protested against mandates and tried to push the idea that the country is divided. We are not divided. More than 80% of us are vaccinated. But there are still some tough conversations happening.

I’m the director (skipper? Lead organiser?) of a community, Awhi Ngā Mātua. Awhi Ngā Mātua is a space especially for parents of disabled, immunocompromised and medically fragile children. I love this space because it was created for and by parents who know what it’s like for their children to be treated like they’re invisible - this space is a way of them saying they are here. This space allows them to take up space. It allows them to care for and awhi each other away from people who don’t understand what it’s like.

Sometimes it feels like there’s not a lot of crossover between parents with kids who have never spent a night in hospital and those who call it their second home. But I know there is enormous community in both. And I know there are so many parents who love and support families who have it really tough health-wise.

So I know there are many of you who will benefit from this piece of mahi Awhi Ngā Mātua is putting out there, so I’m proud to share it. I particularly want to thank our amazing researcher Tamsyn Clemerson and our designer at IHC Lily Wilson.

The Awhi Ngā Mātua community of parents of immune compromised and medically fragile children has come up with scripts to help to have courageous conversations about vaccination. We wanted to share these to help other families.

The scripts may seem very simple - but this is what was needed. Simple and to the point!

Our biggest tip from our community is to be clear and direct – don’t dance around the question. Just ask: “Have you had your vaccination?” or “Are you planning on getting vaccinated?”

We suggest a very simple line in the sand: “I’m sure you understand that keeping our household safe is crucial for our child, so we’re requesting that everyone who comes to our house is vaccinated.”

If your family member is unvaccinated set a boundary.

“Unfortunately, we need to ensure that everyone who comes into our home is vaccinated. I’m sure you understand that keeping our household safe is our highest priority. As soon as you’re vaccinated, we’d love to have you over. We will be so grateful for you protecting our child as well as your family and the community.”

Offer options

“Shall we organise a video call?”

“We look forward to seeing you when you’re vaccinated.”

“Let’s talk on the phone until we can be together when you’re vaccinated.”

“We hope by our [next family event] you’ll be vaccinated and we can be together.”

Holding Firm

“I understand that you’re disappointed you won’t see us for family time, we’re disappointed too. Let me know once you’ve booked your vaccination, I’ll come hold your hand!”

“I’m not going to debate this with you.”

“My highest priority is keeping our household safe.”

“I know masks aren’t the most comfortable or flattering things in the world, and I don’t like needles either! But I figure both of those things are worth doing to keep our children safe.”

“I’m disappointed that you’re not able to set aside your discomfort to ensure our child’s safety. Let me know if you change your mind.”

“I’m afraid that for our whānau, even outside picnics are too risky if you are not vaccinated.”

How to set boundaries with your family for Christmas

“We’ve decided to stay home for Christmas this year/not invite anyone over for Christmas this year, unless we’re 100% sure they are vaccinated. I’m sure you understand that keeping our household safe is our highest priority.”

“We’d prefer that everyone coming for Christmas has had at least one jab and is booked in for their second. We love you all, want to keep you all safe, and so we’re a pro-vax family!”

Offering options

“Shall we organise a video call on Christmas day?”

“The best present you can give us is vaccinating to protect our family and community.”

“If you’re vaccinated we can be together - but until then we can talk by phone.”

These conversations are hard. But by setting these boundaries you are protecting your children but also protecting all children - some families have no choice but to have these conversations, knowing they may lead to more isolation. Let’s normalise asking the question: Are you vaccinated? And working together to keep disabled and medically fragile people protected.

Arohanui, the Awhi Ngā Mātua team.

Feel free to share how these conversations are going for you, and any tips you have.

Follow Awhi on Facebook and Instagram - and feel free to share our script graphics.