I need a break

with some urgency lol

I was going to publish this yesterday but decided to sleep on it in case it was just birthday feels / weekend anxiety / I can rally actually. But then I woke up to an email from the DHB finally giving me an update (I’ll get an update in three weeks) saying they will treat my response “with some urgency” and I just…. I am done. I am exhausted. So I’m hitting publish.

I’m sorry for any typos x

Mōrena my lovely mates,

Maybe it’s because it’s my birthday - maybe it’s the Sunday Scaries, maybe it’s the thousands of unread DMs I have on Instagram and Facebook….and the emails I keep not finding space to reply to -

But I really need a break.

I woke up this morning and opened Instagram and just felt such a sense of dread. I imagine most of the unread messages will just be saying “hey happy birthday” or “hey here’s a funny video” - but I know a heap of them will also be criticising me or telling me that my lived experiences are wrong or that I’m being too much or not enough or that what I said doesn’t have enough nuance or doesn’t consider this other thing or that other thing. And I’ll be told “I respected you but I don’t anymore after that joke” or “I thought you’d be better than this” or “I’m really disappointed in you”. And I like to think I’m an open minded person (don’t we all want to think that about ourselves?) and I like to think I say sorry and mean it when I fuck up. And I like to think I take criticism well…or um well-ish? But it’s….exhausting. It’s so exhausting. It’s so hard to write or share any opinion when so many people can’t see that you’re just a human. A fallible, flawed human.

And still more of these unread messages will be people who desperately need someone to hold space for them and they’ll share the saddest story you’ve ever heard. Or they’ll lash out desperate for help. Or they’ll beg and they’ll say “can’t you help me?”.

And I can’t. And I try to hold space for people the best that I can but I am struggling with the weight of it.

I lie in bed thinking about the mum who lost three babies, and the mum who can’t get Te Whatu Ora to return her calls either who is now suicidal, and the mum who thinks her child has autism, and the mum of the newly diagnosed diabetic baby, and the mum who has gone to women’s refuge, and the mum who has had six rounds of IVF, and the mum whose child won’t eat, and the mum who can’t afford to feed her children well, and the mum who skips meals, and the mum who just got kicked out of her rental because her landlord wants to move his son in, and I lie in bed and I think about them all and I don’t sleep.

And I think about my grief for Lou. And my surgery and what I can and can’t eat. And I think about the message I got a few days ago saying I’m a stupid lying cunt because someone saw me hug a friend and I wasn’t wearing a mask and yet didn’t I tell people to wear masks? Am I now going to apologise to them for saying they should wear masks because masks don’t work, don’t I know that masks don’t work? And neither do vaccines.

And I think about my friends who are writers who write so honestly and genuinely and carefully and then get ripped apart in comments sections where people seem to genuinely gain something from being their cruellest most callous selves.

And I think about how I have to pay that bill, and I gave to send that invoice, and why are freelance rates going backwards? And I think about how there’s still not one school holiday programme or after school activity my kids can do without me being there because none of the programmes have teacher aides and there’s no way to transfer teacher aides…so I can’t work then, and we will have to take a financial hit from that…again…and yes, I really want to go to that festival, and I think I’ll be able to sell books there, and can we make it work?

And I think about how I’m tired of wearing masks everywhere and I’m still afraid of Covid 19 even while everyone says the pandemic is over.

And then I think about all of the offers of help I’ve had. All of the support from people carrying so much themselves. All of the emails and messages so soaked in gentle kindness. All the people holding space for me.

I think about how many times I’ve cried this past week because of koha given without caveat. Gifts to ease our way, gifts we can pass on to others, gifts that help our community.

I think about the ways I’ve been able to share the kindness sent my way. And it helps so much. And I know I am so lucky. So very very lucky.

But I want to be here for 39 and 40 so I need to protect my health - mental and physical.

Usually taking a break isn’t something you need to “announce” but you pay for me to show up. And if I don’t show up I feel like I’ve let you down.

So, it’s hard. But I also know you all wanted me to take a good break when I was sick last time. So I also know a lot of this is in my head. (God, there’s so much swirling in my head). And I need to trust what you’ve said to me as a community - which is that we show up for each other. And the best way to do that is to listen to our hearts and bodies and take breaks when we can, when we need to.

So, I won’t post next week and maybe I won’t post the week after? And I’ll be taking a break from social media for a week or two. I hope you’ll stick with me.

Arohanui x

P.S - I’ll still do the Awhi Ngā Mātua community chat on Wednesday and I’ll be at Julie Anne Genter’s campaign launch on Sunday - maybe I’ll see you there? Stay safe and warm x