Job interview for town planner of Gotham City

Emily Writes Weekly

Scene: A boardroom. A man Jason walks in and is greeted warmly by a man Perkins and a woman Jo.

Perkins: Welcome Jason. Make yourself comfortable. I’m Perkins. This is Joanna.

Joanna: Hi Jason. Can I get you a coffee?

Jason: No I’m fine thanks.

Perkins: Well that’s good because our coffee machine is broken.

Jason looks around the room. One wall is gone. There is glass everywhere.

Joanna: Yes, a lot of things are broken since-

Perkins: Anyway! When can you start?

Jason: I’m sorry?

Perkins: As town planner. Can you start today?

Jason: I thought this was a job interview.

Joanna: It is.

Perkins: Well, you’re the only person who applied so - the job is yours.

Joanna: Perkins. Jesus Christ. Don’t say that.

Jason: Does nobody else want this job?

Joanna: No. I mean yes. I mean…do you know much about Gotham City?

Jason: Well, I know you haven’t had the best luck with….I mean your city has been destroy-

Perkins: 114 times yeah. I mean, let’s be real, we have a villain problem. Well we have a problem with this guy who like dresses up as a bat. But like a man. So they call him Batman. But he’s not half man-half bat, he’s like...look it’s quite sad, his parents died and he’s rich so we give him space, you know he’s on a healing journey he’s-

Joanna: Perkins shut up. Batman is in therapy and we are feeling good about the next two years Jason.

Jason: Wait what? A villain problem?

Perkins: We had a guy who dressed as a bird. A failed comedian. Oh and his girlfriend. Remember the guy who froze everything? And the guy with the like deep voice? That guy was a pain in the ass aye? Oh and the guy who was like terribly scarred on his face..

Joanna: I mean, many of them are scarred but this guy was like…

Perkins: It was a lot Jason. But look, I’ll be honest - generally every two to three years the city is destroyed and many, many, many people die and there’s just billions upon billions of dollars worth of damage but -

Perkins and Jo in unison: WE ALL LEARN A LESSON IN THE END!

Jason: I’m not sure if this is the job for me.

Joanna: It’s a great opportunity! Honestly! The town just got completely levelled again so it’s a blank slate. You can do anything.

Perkins: There’s no real zoning restrictions because most of our politicians, local body and otherwise, have been brutally, brutally murdered. The world’s your oyster.

Jason: Will I get murdered?

Perkins: No way! More likely, a car will fall on you. We have the highest amount of car crashes per capita of anywhere in the world.

Joanna: But, but the road is exploded right now so you’ll need to walk to the office which will lower the risk of a car falling on you.

Jason: I feel like there aren’t many perks to this job. I mean…how are you coping with... *Jason gestures to a broken powerline that lies sparking next to Perkins’ chair*.

Joanna: We can offer you two free counselling sessions through EAP after you’ve been working here six months.

Jason: Wow. I’m in. When do I get to meet Batman?