Leaked: Finding a host for TVNZ's new show

Confused as to how they chose Paula Bennett? Here's the TRUTH.

Paula Bennett AKA Tangata Thatcher* has been named as host of a new TVNZ competition show. This was met with a collective “what the fuck?” on my newsfeed. I was wondering how this decision was made and then a brown envelope landed on my doorstep**. Inside was a tape recording of the meeting where TVNZ executives chose a host for the show***.

TVNZ executive Steve Stevenson: Welcome everyone - as you know we’ve got a new competition show launching later in the year and we need a host. I want to hear ideas boys. Boys and lady I mean!

*laughter*.

Woman’s voice: Can we get on with this Steve? I’m putting forward Angella Dravid. She’s hugely talented. Winner of the last Taskmaster.

Steve: She said no.

Woman’s voice: OK how about Laura Daniel? She’s an absolute presence, wildly charismatic...

Steve: She said no.

Woman’s voice: Sera Devcich. She’s hilarious, so good at observational humour, she....

Steve: She also said no.

Woman’s voice: Melanie Bracewell?

Steve: She said no.

Woman’s voice: Hayley Sproull?

Steve: Also said no to us.

Woman’s voice: Michele A'Court? A literal goddess!

Steve: We went to her first and she said no.

Woman’s voice: The Topp Twins?

Steve: They said no.

Woman’s voice: The entire cast of The Bachelor?

Steve: They all said no.

Woman’s voice: What about those Married at First Sight people?

Steve: All eight seasons said no.

Woman’s voice: Wow, OK. So nobody wants to host the show? I mean....

The woman is interrupted: Hey my name is Steve and right off the bat I’ve got an idea. Paula Bennett.

Voice: Who?

Steve 2: Remember, she was the National MP who had like a war on solo mums? It was fun. It showed her personality - fiesty!

Steve3: I still can’t place her.

Steve 1: You know she was the one who released the private financial information about those two solo mothers to journalists? To humilate them? And to use them as a political football? It really showed how good she is on TV!

Steve 2: She’ll be a great judge. Remember how she abolished the Training Incentive Allowance after she had received it herself as a student! That shows she’s great at comedy!

Woman’s voice: Are you all high?

*a voice whispers: I only had one cone*

Woman’s voice: We’re really going to have that woman host the show? Her only experience is in being a politician?

Steve 1: Not quite true Carol. She is actually a Director at Bayleys Real Estate.

Woman’s voice: We are in a housing crisis. How does working in real estate mean you can host a television show?

Steve 2: So are we in agreement? Paula Bennett is our new host.

*Murmuring of acceptance*

Another voice: Yeah OK. Does anyone know when the club sandwiches are arriving?

Woman’s voice: I don’t agree with this decision. Look, after the Mosque shooting she rejected 12 of 20 recommendations put to the Law and Order Select Committee about the illegal possession of firearms. Are we just going to forget that?

Steve 3: Can we get a check on how far away the club sandwiches are?

Woman’s voice: This is fucked.

Steve 2: Chill out Carol. Do you know what the game is? We get a bunch of vulnerable and injured people, people having a really hard time you know? Women who have left abusive relationships and are trying to recover, disabled people et cetera! And then they come to us for help. And Paula Bennett says: “OK, I’ll help you”. And they start to get help you know. They are given a tiny amount of resources to survive - it’s not enough but it’s something. Some of them even start to thrive right? And then Paula comes in and she just starts knee-capping them and punching them in the face right? And they say “Wait, I thought you were helping us” and then she shoves them in a dark room and says: “We got rid of all of the disabled and injured and chronically ill and vulnerable people and people having a hard time!” and we play music over the sound of their crying.

Woman’s voice: Oh actually, my mistake, she’s perfect for that role.

*Thank you Dan.

**It didn’t. This isn’t real and it pains me physically to have to put a disclaimer in. This disclaimer is basically for the people who would actually watch this show.

***Didn’t happen.