Leaked: Luxon's Landlord plan

It's a shocker

Well, you’re not going to believe this, but I came home today to find my cat had brought home a rat and in the rat’s mouth there was a secret document. I was shocked to discover it was the minutes from a meeting that revealed the plan for landlords in Aotearoa. The meeting was attended by our very own prime minister Winston Peters I mean David Seymour I mean Christopher Luxon.

Of course I will reveal the minutes in full below. But before I do. Some context for you - Christopher Luxon owns seven properties mortgage free. Totally unrelated to that, next month we will start subsidising landlords to the tune of three billion dollars. Previously he has said these changes will reduce rent. When asked if it would mean he would reduce the rent on his mortgage free homes he said: “I don't know. I haven't thought that through and I'm not thinking that through."

The policy will particularly benefit the 346 landlords who own at least 200 properties who each will get an average tax cut of $1.3 million.

It’s totally unrelated, but RNZ analysis of political donations since 2021 found people involved in the property industry gave the most - and almost all of it went to National, ACT and NZ First.

As well as giving a tax break to landlords, Luxon is going to let landlords evict tenants for no reason (this is no cause eviction) and he is ending the automatic rollover of fixed-term tenancies.

Anyway, onto the minutes!

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10 March, 11am.

Present: Nicola Willis, David Seymour, Winston Peters, Chris Bishop, Christopher Luxon and an unnamed aide, unnamed press secretary.

Transcript as follows:

Nicola Willis: OK are we starting this meeting or not?

David Seymour: Why are you chairing? I’m the deputy. *whispers* Wait is he here?

Willis: No, he’s smoking out the back with Bishop. You’re safe.

Seymour: Thanks mum.

Willis: I’ve told you not to call me mum. Look this is serious, where is Christopher?

Aide: He is in his office he doesn’t want to come out.

Willis: Well he needs to! Those assholes at Newshub have found out there’s more than a quarter of a billion dollars difference between our costs and what the landlord tax cut will actually cost. What are we going to do about it?

Seymour: Can we blame Māori for it?

Willis: That will really only work for National voters and ACT voters sadly, nobody else will believe-

There is a kerfuffle and a loud smack is heard followed by the sound of a baby crying.

Winston Peters: Skedaddle scallywag, I’ve had enough dilly-dallying, I need to be at the dogs in 60 shakes. Give us a twirl missy.

Willis: Don’t call your press secretary Missy. Winston I have-

Peters: Pipe down sugar tits I didn’t ask you.

Seymour, crying: Is nobody going to talk about how he hit me again?

Peters: Bish get the boy from the office we need to get this show on the road.

Willis: As I was saying, we need to work out how we will pay for the landlord tax.

Seymour: Cut school lunches.

Peters: Cut education full stop.

Willis: Good you’re here, Christopher we need to talk about the-

Luxon: I DON’T WANT TO!! This job is HAAAARD. I don’t wanna do it anymore! PLEASE.

Peters: Buck Up fancy pants. We have to work out the landlord plan.

Luxon: *sniffling* I want to give the landlords a kiss on the forehead.

*The room is silent*

Luxon: I want a law that says everyone has to call landlords good boys and when a landlord comes into a room everyone has to stand up. And clap. And kiss them.

Peters: What in the-

Luxon: I want landlords in the national anthem. And I want the flag to be replaced with a different landlord each week. I want us landlords to get free tickets to the Mission concert every year. You know when Tom Jones comes? And we should get a discount for those shoes with the little heels in them. And some monuments. Big ones. And a plane. I love planes. Can I go home now?

Willis: Christopher, we love landlords but…

Luxon: Every landlord should be given one more house as a gift for having more than one house. And they should be given a pony too. And the All Blacks, I would like to meet them again and this time they have to be nice to me and say I’m cool.

Peters: Heavens to Betsy!

Seymour: This plan is fine with me as long as we can take school lunches away from kids and also get rid of the Treaty.

Aide: If we could just taihoa for a minute.

*A baby is heard crying again*

Seymour, wailing: Is that a Marry word?!

Willis: Dammit you know he’s scared of Te Reo.

Peters: Kia ora! Kia ora!

*Chris Bishop is heard sniggering*

Seymour: Make him stop!

Bishop: Haka! Ka mate!

Willis: Enough. None of this is helping. Listen buddy, you can’t give landlords another house, that’s too much. If we cut school lunches, Te Aka Whai Ora-

Seymour starts screaming.

Willis: I’m sorry, I mean the Māori Health Authority. If we cut $6 billion from the public service, cut the foreign buyer ban, cut 20 hours free for under twos, cut free prescriptions and public transport for kids… we should be able to afford it. We could also raise the super to 67.

Aide: Raising the super is controversial, life expectancy is 73 for Māori men - it’s 80 for non-Māori men-

Seymour: Why are you doing this to me! *crying* I’m offended! Why doesn’t anyone think about me! You keep using words that scare me and I feel left out.

Willis: Well nobody in this room needs the Super so-

Bishop: Cut it.

Peters: Well, that’s enough work for today scamps! Pip pip!

Luxon: Will the landlords still get a little kiss? I will do it. I will kiss them on the mouth.

Willis: We are talking about the Super.

Luxon: How much is it? $5000 a week each? That’s not much. Will it be enough money for my landlords?

Aide: I’m sorry, but I have to take the prime minister with me now. He has volunteered to be at the end of a landlord human centipede to raise money for the Atlas Network.