One good thing

Emily Writes Weekly

It’s a public holiday here in Pōneke. And I am not checking in with this newsletter.

I am not checking in to see how you’re coping with all of this *waves hands*.

I know we are all just ships floating, bobbing about, waiting for a white squall to take us out, trying to figure out if our hulls will cope with the storm emerging.

You know me. You know I had to google 'hull' to make sure it means “body of a ship”. You know I don’t want to talk about any of this because that’s all we have been doing for so long - talking, talking, talking.

And it’s all so endless. So exhausting.

I am so tired of people checking in. They say “Just checking in” and I feel like a hotel.

I don’t want to be ticked on a list - checked in with Emily. I don’t want to check you in.

I don’t want to ask you what your plan is because we all know now that plans are for suckers.

I don’t want to ask if you’re OK because I know the answer is 'yes', 'no', 'maybe', 'never', 'always', 'I don’t know'. I know this because I don’t know too. And I don’t know every day and when I think maybe I do know, I realise I don’t know.

I don’t want to be another person asking you things you’re still trying to work out.

I don’t want you to look to me to know what to do when I don’t know a god damn thing. And it’s the not knowing that’s driving me up the fucking wall.

I can say that however you’re feeling is fine. Worried? Not worried? It’s all OK.

I don’t know what to do. With any of it.

But this morning my baby became really overwhelmed over something I thought was pretty inconsequential but I kept thinking little things can mean a lot to little people.

And I said “do you want me to cuddle you? ‘Til it’s better?”

And he screamed 'NO'. And he screamed 'NO. NO. NO. NO'.

And then his brother pushed past me and sat next to him and took both his hands and tilted his chin so he was looking right into his eyes and said “What’s one good thing?”

And he screamed 'NO. THERE IS NO GOOD THING'.

And his brother said “One good thing. Just one.”

And he sniffed and he said “there’s none” but he was a little bit calmer as he thought.

“Let’s think, one good thing.”

And then he stopped and he said: “Bruce”.

And his brother patted him on the head and said “See! You only need ONE good thing!”

It has been so, so many years since I held my big boy’s hands and said: “hey! hey! hey! I know this is hard but think of one good thing”. It has been so, so, so long since I tried to distract him in hospital with “let’s think together, let’s try our best, let’s close our eyes and think of one good thing”.

He would close his eyes tight and hold my hand tighter. And I’d whisper: “Let’s do it together”.

Hey, let’s. Let’s just try…

Think of one good thing and hold on to it tight. Think of one good thing and you’ll see there’s two good things, three. A world of good things. All the thinking is good. The looking for it. That’s the part that matters. That you look for it.

Because, there’s always one good thing.