Secret leaked Judith Collins tape

You won't believe what I found at the dump

So, I was at the dump, minding my own business when I saw a brown envelope that said JC on it. Thinking it might be some delightful photos of Sir John Campbell I snatched it up. Inside, was nothing of the sort. There was a tape. And I thought, wow, that’s certainly weird that I keep finding secret tapes eh.

I transcribed the tape and can confirm it is a meeting between Judith Collins and her team. It appears one member of the team quit half way through the meeting.

I have given pseudonyms to the advisors recorded on the tape.

Judith Collins: I need you all to get your arse into gear and get me on the news. I need issues! Matters! Controversy! I need somewhere to channel my deep rage.

Jane: I’ve been thinking-

JC: I don’t want thoughts! I want words! I want slogans! Start now!

Steve: Well I-

JC: NOW!

John: Aotearoa not New Zealand! It’s racist to make us say Aotearoa!

JC: I like it, I like it. This is good. Keep it coming.

Steve: We won’t allow a ban on the words New Zealand!

JC: YES!

Jane: Wait, nobody is banning the words New Zealand are they?

JC: Facts don’t matter! Facts aren’t friends!

Steve: Referendum on using any marry words.

JC: YES! Keep going!

Jane: Hold on, this sounds racis-

JC: Racist against me!

Steve: OK, how about conversion therapy isn’t that bad.

JC: Hold on let me Google conversion therapy.

Jane: No, no, conversion therapy is very bad, you can’t support conversion therapy.

John: But we can say that conversion therapy means parents will be jailed for a thousand years if they don’t put their three year old boy in a dress.

JC: *roars in delight*

Jane: This is…you can’t do this. That’s not-

Steve: The bill is anti-parent.

Jane: What bill?

JC: Any bill! All bills!

Jane: Wait, can we go back to the Conversion Practices Prohibition Legislation? It says nothing about that? To be considered a conversion practice under the Bill, a practice must meet ALL of the following elements, which state that a practice is directed towards someone because of their sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression, AND performed with the intention of changing or suppressing their sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression. That’s really specific.

Steve: But does it specifically say that if you have a gender reveal party Kris Faafoi isn’t allowed to shoot you in the face with a glitter cannon? Because we need to ask those questions.

Jane: What are you talking about? Any prosecution for conversion therapy has to be signed off by the Attorney-General? And it needs to be conversion therapy.

John: So basically, parents will be forced to only use urinal bathrooms, is that what you’re saying? And every child born after 2021 will be put on puberty blockers, is that what you’re saying?

Jane: What in the God Damn Fuck-

JC: This is perfection. We should say puberty blockers as often as possible.

Jane: But they’re not called puberty blockers! They’re GnRH analogues and they’re completely reversible and very rarely used. You have to go through a complicated and difficult process to get them - so much so that there are long guides online to help to navigate the system. Persistent, well documented dysphoria, capacity and consent, significant medical and mental health concerns are just some of the criteria you have to meet.

Steve: Maybe we could call them something even scarier like Trans-Agenda-mene. Transadol, PseudoefiTrans, AstroTranszenica?

Jane: The New Zealand public will never fall for this.

John: Ashley Bloomfield.

JC: I’m listening.

John: Ummm why don’t we say he sucks.

Jane: What? Are you serious? You want to take on beloved Ashley Bloomfield?

Steve: One Trick Pony. Serves the public too much.

JC: I am living for this! Soon I will have all the power! They will love me.

Jane: This is a terrible idea Judith. This is terrible comms. The New Zealand public will not buy into this.

Steve: Punch a donkey in the face.

Jane: What the fuck is going on.

John: PUNCH THE DONKEY.

JC: I have always wanted to punch a donkey.

*A “punch the donkey” chant begins*

Jane: I can’t do this. I quit.