Some Noob-free TV

Emily Writes Weekly

Is all kid’s TV terrible? Maybe not.

I used to think Peppa Pig and Paw Patrol were the worst of the worst. Surely nothing could be worse right? But honestly, I was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

The worst thing to ever invade a screen is Grown Men Pretending To Be Teenagers Playing Minecraft On Youtube [GMPTBTPMOY]. This genre, an absolute favourite with my nine-year-old is by far, is the most inane, intolerable, annoying shit you’ve ever seen.

Picture it: A young white man, no older than 24, but pretending to be 16 is wearing a backwards cap. He is playing Minecraft and shouting. That’s it. Sometimes he has other young white men friends, also pretending to be 16, also wearing backwards caps and they too shout.

Each “episode” is just: “DUDE! YEET! OMERGERD DUDE! MERCH! BEAST MODE! NOOB! DUDE! LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE!” And I say episode loosely because some “episodes” are like five hours long.

Parents are roughly split into groups of - those who let their child watch YouTube and those who didn’t. And those who did speak to those who didn’t with a far off stare, and they whisper:

“Just don’t do it. Don’t do it for as long as possible”.

They have seen some shit, dude. They know what “yeet” means. They even know what “y33t” means.

It felt impossible to break the Unspeakable/BeckBroJack addiction cycle. Lots of clever people who write about screen time suggest you should watch shows as a family. But how do I say this? I’d rather scoop my eyes out, fry them, then eat them than watch these entitled assholes buying tanks and hover-boards from the Minecraft moolah.

So, when Extreme Cake Sports popped up on TVNZ it was like angels were singing. Could it be? A show that could hold the attention of a six-year-old, a nine-year-old and two exhausted adults?

Yes.

Extreme Cake Sports is ridiculously fun. It’s an absolutely wackadoo premise that combines - yes - cake and sport. Two teams of kids (aged 10-12) bake and compete in physical challenges each episode. For example, in season one kids do cricket challenges while their team mates create a pug-shaped banana cake. The winning team gets prize packs of books and baking supplies for their schools.

It has great hosts. Alice Soper (national treasure and rugby player) and Jack Tai Poa (Uncle Jack on TikTok) are clearly enjoying themselves a lot with their silly puns and joyfully awkward exchanges.

The show is filmed on location at the Ricoh Sports Centre in Lower Hutt. My kids loved seeing kids they could relate to, kids who could be their mates. They were especially delighted to see Cake it Forward’s Bridget judging the cakes as they know her from her incredible Petone shop. Bridget makes cakes for children whose parents are in prison. She’s an absolutely wonderful person so it was lovely to see her pop up.

The kids have to create really quite difficult cakes - a Tongan inspired birthday cake, a Halloween monster eyeball cake, an amazing solar system cake, even a pav. Which, to be honest, is very entertaining.

The kids are real characters and my husband and I were cracking up quite a lot at the brilliant one-liners, while the kids were entertained by the competitive nature of the show. We each picked teams to support (though I will say judging was all over the place!) and that added to the fun.

The concept was created by award-winning children’s book authors Sacha Cotter and Josh Morgan (winners of the Margaret Mahy Children’s Book of the Year with The Bomb/Te Pohū) together with producer Bevin Linkhorn.

It was truly great to hear Kiwi accents and Kiwi humour. I’m hopeful there will be a season two, but thanks to Extreme Cake Sports at least they’re now willing to watch something that isn’t American millionaires talking about Minecraft.

And not a yeet to be heard for 24 hours at least.

Watch Extreme Cake Sports on TVNZ on Demand.