The AMA: ND kids, food challenges, anxious parkers and more...

You asked, I answered....

Hello! So I said I’d do a bit of a Q&A this week instead of a newsletter because I am way behind on interviews due to my little one being unwell. You sent me lots of questions! Thank you! I couldn’t answer them all, but here’s a selection…

“How are you?”

This is the one I got the most! Which is very wholesome and shows how nice you all are. I love how kind this community is and I am grateful for it every day.

I am good! I have been able to keep food down so I have way more energy. I’m not in any pain which is awesome. I’m still resting a lot. If I’m honest, I’m now probably struggling more emotionally than physically as I process that I had this big medical event. It was scary and I just need to give myself time.

“Will you talk about your surgery and ‘what happened’?” (This is a mix of the same question).

Yes. But I am just taking some time because each day I am learning a bit more about how things got to where they got to! I’m not being deliberately vague I promise, I’m just working it all out. The surgery I had removed my gallbladder and a lot of stones that were just fucking up my insides.

Writing helps me process my feelings and make sense of the world and also my internal world so I have been, and will continue to write. But how I felt last week is different to how I feel this week - so it’s not fair or responsible to publish it just yet.

Will you be touring this year? Are you coming to [my town]?

Everything was put on hold when I got sick. But I’m happy to say I have at least one gig in the pipeline and that’s Featherston Booktown. Details are here. I’m also doing a Young Readers Programme with some teens. I also have a gig I’m planning at Meow on 17 June, where I’ll interview some amazing women about activism and politics. Tickets will be $10 and I’ll let you know when they go on sale.

In terms of coming to the regions, it’s a great idea to contact your local writers festival or arts festival and say - “Emily just put a book out, you should have her come to the festival”.

Now some quick fire questions…

What country is at the top of your travel bucket list?

I really want to take my kids to Rēkohu (The Chatham Islands) because that’s where my husband and his whānau are from. I also really, really want to go to Iceland to see the Northern Lights.

Would you like another cat?

Yes. But my friend is a vet and she said introducing a new cat can be really stressful to your (current) cat and I don’t want to break Bruce because he’s perfect.

What would be your dream job if money was no object?

Being a writer is my dream job and I get to do it thanks to you. I would say my husband and I would be a midwife/teacher combo if money was no object but studying and knowing that both work environments are so awful makes us not do it. Writer/Teacher Aide is probably a worse combo financially but we love what we do.

Is your house a lived-in family mess?

Absolutely. Right now I have a tiny corner of the table to work on. On the table is play dough, a sewing kit, three note pads, a beekeeper hat, two abandoned knitting projects, a ride-on horse that needs fixing, a cowboy hat, a harakeke weaving project, a puke bucket (empty), a cold coffee in a chipped mug, and a box of lego. And that’s just the table.

What is your best tip for travelling with children?

Don’t.

Haha just kidding sort of. Downloading games on your phone?

Now to some more specific questions….

How did you overcome your nerves with driving and make yourself do it regularly? I feel so nervous about having to park with people watching etc (even though I’m licensed and can drive fine) it puts me off doing it.

I had a great teacher who helped me with my confidence. I saw Kat at Kruse Control and she was awesome. I have had lessons before. All with men. And they just didn’t get my anxiety and they didn’t understand that I have dyspraxia which impacts my spatial awareness. Kat built me up to believe I actually CAN drive.

The freedom I felt when I could finally drive was so massive and life-changing for me that now I want to drive everywhere (I know, I’m causing climate change). I had to change the way I thought from I cannot drive to I can drive and I’m going to get better and better at driving.

In terms of parking. At first I felt so embarrassed especially when people would stop and be like “What the FUCK IS SHE DOING”. But now, I’m just like - well, I have to learn by doing. So I just take my time, try to ignore everyone else, and just think “well, I’m a good person giving these people a good show when life is hard and miserable”.

You’re basically like that Patch Adams doctor? You’re entertaining people FOR FREE to make them feel better. You’re basically a saint.

I’ve been married for eight years and I have two school-aged children. My husband has never changed a nappy. He has never made a meal. I am exhausted. I have told him so many times I can’t do this anymore. He ignores me. What should I do? I feel like I need to leave him.

I think you’ve answered your own question friend. I know it is frightening to leave and to step into the unknown, but of all of the people I know who have left their marriages - they’re all happier now. They have full, beautiful and magical lives. Was it painful? Yes. Hard? Yes. But as the saying goes - you can do hard things.

Divorced women, even if they’re solo mums, have more leisure time than married women. Long-term, low-quality marriages have significant negative effects on overall well-being.

Short term, I encourage you to follow Clementine Ford on Instagram or Facebook for some good pep talks about stepping out into a new world where you’re not someone’s servant.

If you aren’t sure if you should stay or go - I have found in challenges in my relationship it has helped to talk to my girlfriends openly and honestly. They know you and your partner (probably) so can give you genuine advice as to whether this is a pattern of behaviour that will never change or a blip in an otherwise good and solid relationship.

You’re not alone. All the best x

What do you think of all of these supermarket shops on a budget, under $150 groceries challenges, and swap this for that, and grow your own veges advice that’s on Facebook and Instagram? I am struggling to make ends meet and they upset me so much. It feels like people are pretending to be broke for fun or implying there’s something wrong with you if you can’t afford to get everything you need for under a certain amount of money. I find it hard to breathe in the supermarket. I dread going.

I’m not a fan of these challenges personally either. I wish people would instead discuss why they’re currently so popular - it’s because people are struggling in greater numbers than ever with food insecurity.

To ignore that fact by omission makes me uncomfortable, and I think probably the reason why it’s not discussed with these challenges is because the people setting the narrative are very comfortable financially and maybe aren’t seeing what everyone else is seeing.

But I think it’s important to say first: You are not alone in struggling right now. Sometimes it can feel like you’re the only one struggling when on Instagram people are flaunting wealth or having fun with budgets. It is not your fault that you are struggling. And I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that you and so many others are under so much pressure.

One in five children aged two to 14 live in households that are considered “food insecure”. Due to the impact of the pandemic, as well as rising inflation, food insecurity is likely to get worse. The cost of living was up by 7.7% in the year ending March, according to new Stats NZ figures. The cost of food was up 12% for the average household.

I think another thing we don’t talk about around these “supermarket challenges” is that they’re essentially advertising.

Every day, the major supermarkets are making more than $1 million in excess profits. This is because of high prices, high profits and high barriers to enter the market according to the Commerce Commission. Last year estimated supermarkets were making about $430 million a year in excess profits.

It is free advertising for supermarkets and it’s advertising for the business or influencer pushing the “challenges” to present the idea that a budget, organisation, a fruit tree and a vege patch is all you need to get by in 2023.

The excellent Dr Rebekah Graham has written about this extensively - ‘If only they made better life choices’ – how simplistic explanations of poverty and food insecurity miss the mark.

I don’t think there’s any harm in sharing your budget or talking about how you shop at the supermarket or even gamifying your shopping experience if that’s what you’re into. I do wish though that there were more Food Bank Challenges or more How To Make a Commerce Commission Complaint about supermarket gifting challenges though or How To Care About Food Poverty challenges.

And just very personally, as the mum to a kid with a paediatric feeding disorder [4-6% of the paediatric population have feeding problems] - the swaps drive me up the wall. My son eats three things. And they have to be the same brand, same packet, same exact taste. He doesn’t eat meat. He ate apple until a teacher made a comment about how he had to finish his apple and that was enough to stop him eating apples and now he’s fucking afraid of apples. So it’s just like…the swaps are absolute garbage if you’re neurodivergent or have allergies or have health issues. God what I wouldn’t give to just be able to give my child normal food and have him eat it.

Anyway, that’s a tangent and a very long answer. But in short - yes, I feel you, it’s grim. I understand why people find them distasteful.

I have a type one diabetic daughter who is ten like Eddie. She does not want a pump because she says it’s scary. Does Eddie have one? How did you convince him to get one?

Eddie does not have an insulin pump. There are two reasons. 1) He doesn’t want one. He also thinks they’re scary and he doesn’t want something so big attached to him. I totally get this and my husband and I figure that as a kid with T1 he gets very few choices in life when it comes to his diabetes so whether or not he gets a pump should be his choice. 2) is that he’s doing well without a pump. He has a really good HBa1c with us injecting him. In order to get funding for a pump he would need to have a not good (I don’t know how else to say it?) HBa1c. And right now, we aren’t prepared to do that. He is still on morning and night insulin instead of before food insulin so that’s a big part of it.

Without 2) we wouldn’t be prioritising Eddie’s feelings about the pump. So I just need to say that as a bit of a disclaimer. If your daughter is struggling without a pump then ignore my advice.

I know that getting a pump has been a real game changer for a lot of kids and their parents. More freedom, more independence, and less injections. I think diabetes is a minefield and it’s really hard to know what to do. I don’t know if we are doing the right thing. But the team at the hospital say we’re doing well so I’ll just go with that.

When that changes, we will ask friends who have kids with pumps if we can meet up with them so Eddie can ask questions. If Eddie gets a pump before your daughter - I’d be happy to arrange a catch-up or Zoom.

I’m sorry I can’t be more help right now. You sound like you’re doing a great job. Hang in there.

What’s the best thing about having a neurodivergent kiddo?

Everything. I feel so incredibly lucky to be Ham’s parent. He’s such a freakin’ joy. I feel like parents of neurodivergent kids are so lucky - I mean, you don’t know happiness until you’ve seen an autistic child show they’re happy with their whole body. When he’s excited, I see it in his fingers first and then his shoulders, he waves his head from side to side, he touches his ears, then he spins. And he makes the most beautiful humming sound.

He questions everything and I learn so much from him - not in that weird Autism Mom Inspo Porn way of saying he teaches me to be a better person - but I mean stuff like there is a state museum in Russia where they have a whole team of staff employed just to look after cats. Or that Saudi Arabia has no rivers. Or that the US has more airports than anywhere in the world. Or that Queen Elizabeth drank six alcohol units per day.

I love the way he loves things. I love the way he shows his love for Bruce his cat, and for me and his brother and dad and his family and friends. He loves so openly and unconditionally, without any embarrassment or distance. Whether it’s love for a Queen song or love for a soft blanket - it’s deep and rich and unashamed. I adore that. I wish we could all be so easy and willing with our love for people and things.

I adore how much he knows his own mind. He will just say “I’m done” when he’s done. Will never stay at a party or drag a social event past his comfort level. He will just say “no” as a full sentence if he doesn’t want to do something. It’s frustrating sometimes but mostly it’s inspiring. Imagine if we could all be so comfortable setting boundaries and sticking to them!

Mostly though, I just love him in all of his beautiful perfectness. Just like I love his brother and his dad. They’re all perfectly themselves. And I feel so grateful to be able to witness and be part of their incredible lives as they grow and change and thrive.

Thank you so much! That was fun and we will do it again soon x