The Christopher Luxon Excuse Generator

Can I just say?

For over a year, Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has refused to go on TVNZ’s Q&A with Jack Tame. Under immense pressure to front up to the public, he decided to train hard and on Sunday he made his first appearance.

There’s a reason why he chooses to be interviewed by the likes of Heather du Plessis-Allan, where she tries to interview him with his boot firmly in her gob, Jack Tame simply walked all over him.

From having to admit that the Treaty Principles Bill being supported was not a bottom line in Act negotiations to trying to say there hasn’t been a rent increase in the whole country - from start to finish the interview was a shit show for L uxon.

By Newstalk ZB political editor Jason Walls' count, Luxon stammered the phrase "what I'd say to you is" 21 times. That’s on average at least one ‘what I’d say to you is’ every minute of the interview.

Nick Rockel

has a great take, pointing out that a few days ago, Te Ao with Moana from Māori TV posted:

Despite multiple attempts, Christopher Luxon will go another year without a sit-down interview on Te Ao with Moana. The first AND last interview he agreed to was in April, 2022. Between 2023-2024 we have interviewed every political leader from every party currently in Parliament - including both Jacinda Ardern & Chris Hipkins twice each while PMs. We hope the Prime Minister and his team will one day understand the need to front to Māori media.

This is a man who cannot, if his life depended on it, answer a question and be transparent.

This government has been terrible for everyone except landlords and the already ludicrously wealthy. So, for those of us getting nothing but sky rocketing unemployment, an even worse cost-of-living crisis, and endless cuts to our public sector - it might seem like Luxon has nothing to offer us.

Wrong!

He’s provided us with endless excuses we can now use in our day-to-day lives to hide behind when we make bad (like really bad) choices.

Welcome to the Christopher Luxon Random Excuse Generator. I’ve used full quotes from Luxon as often as I can.

You turned up at work drunk after the staff Christmas Party the night before. Your boss is furious because you made his wife giggle in a way that he’s never been able to. You called your manager a capitalist pig and peed in a pot plant in the smoko room. Your boss has called you into his office. Now what you say is:

“Look, what I can say is, it’s Christmas. And Christmas is in December - generally. And at the end of the day, it will be time to go home. And I can tell you, that I am making a commitment to banning mistletoe at staff parties from now on, unless the measurements we have for recognising staff shenanigans change, which I’m not saying they will, but they may do”.

Your child keeps biting other children at school. He’s 10 so really, he should not be doing this anymore. The principal, sporting teeth marks on her arm, is fuming and she wants to chat. Now what you say is:

“Look, what I can say to you is that we’re working really hard. Ultimately, my parents are likely to blame for my son’s biting because even though they’re not raising him, they raised me and yes, even though I’m in charge, they used to be in charge. And at the end of the day, when all is said and done, what I will tell you is that yes, I have bitten someone before”.

You bought a sausage dog and your husband said you weren’t allowed a dog and now you’ve come home with a sausage dog and he’s not happy about it. Say this:

“Look, what I can say to you, is that ultimately, there was a negotiation. Because the children voted for a dog. And at the end of the day, I was thinking about sausages, and compromise happens. Sometimes you want a dog that looks like sausage and this is what the children asked for, I’m not happy about it, you’re not happy about it, but this is what compromise is. What I can say to you is, if you back up, none of us are happy.”

Your landlord has given you a rent increase and you can’t afford rent as well as your electric bill.

“Look, what I can say to you is that Christopher Luxon said there wasn’t any rent increases so you’re lying. That’s the reality. That’s what we’re dealing with.”

You spent too much time in the sun and now you’re brutally sun burnt. You have blisters all of your arms and you have to face your GP to get after burn care.

“Look, it’s been a really tough time no doubt about it but what I can say to you is that at the end of the day, I thought it was late enough that the sun wouldn’t burn me. And ultimately, climate change is on track.”

You missed your sister’s wedding because you got stoned and fell asleep on the couch.

“Look, what I can say is that there’s been a lot of growth. Not with me. But in general. Generally, there’s been growth. Again, what I would say to you is that we have to take our medicine. We have to move through and take our medicine. You’ve got to work through this sequentially. And look, ahhh what I can say is that it’s good, it’s a start, it’s better than where we were at your last wedding”.

Your best friend’s husband heard you call him an ‘arrogant dickface who has a face like a rushed omelette’. Here’s what you say:

‘Look, what I can is that we’ve inherited a hell of a mess. Starting with, your general attitude. And at the end of the day, I’ve got a very balanced approach, the forecasts are forecasts and we get to change things as we go along with the uhhh forecasts. Our forecasts are really challenged, what I can tell you - what I want to be clear about is, I’m fixing it and isn’t it great?”

Feel free to share your problems and Luxon will always have an answer ready for you that’s at the end of the day not an answer.

What I can say is, good grief is this New Zealand’s best?