The David Seymour excuse generator

The Unseasoned Steak gives us something useful

Since 5 December 2023, it’s been rough time to be wee David Seymour. I imagine it has always been rough being him, and that’s why he is the way he is. But oof this is what they mean by an Annus horribilis right?

He went into Parliament so excited. He was like a delighted dung beetle. He’d scooped up all of the poop from his many ultra rich donors, rolled it into a big ball and just gobbled it all up. He was so ready to regurgitate it in Parliament and push through steaming piles of capitalist dung to make his racist feeders richer.

But oh, it went so bad so quickly.

He thought everyone in Aotearoa was as racist as his donor base. He thought his whakapapa would serve as a cover for his greed and bigotry. He thought he’d chewed up that dung well enough that he could disguise it as progress. He thought you were stupid. And now he’s suddenly finding out that’s not the case. It’s a huge FAFO moment.

Poor poor David. His Treaty Principles Bill was dead before it could even live. And now the Regulatory Standards Bill is going the same way (but make sure you send in a submission).

So what does he do? What does he do when he’s backed into a corner and he’s hungry for his master’s excrement? Well - he comes up with excuses.

David Seymour

You’d think he has nothing to offer us other than sky rocketing unemployment, more hungry children, the worst race relations our country has had in recent history, and an ever worsening cost-of-living crisis - but you’re wrong!

Seymour the sentient unseasoned steak has provided us with endless excuses we can now use in our day-to-day lives to hide behind when we make bad (like really bad) choices.

Welcome to the The David Seymour excuse generator!

I’ve used full quotes from Seymour for almost all of this.

You have been called into the police station. A detective has informed you that there are thousands of hours of CCTV footage of you whipping your willy around while yelling ‘Helicopter! Helicopter!’. There have been hundreds of thousands of complaints about your behaviour. Now what you say is:

Look, 99.5 percent of the people who complained were bots. Somebody figured out how to make a bot do fake feedback that inflated the numbers. Any decent detective would know the online campaigns against me, I suspect the general public certainly will. Any decent detective would also know that presenting non-representative samples as reflecting public opinion is breaching basic standards of police work. Did I get my dick out constantly? No. Anyone saying otherwise is a bot.

Your child keeps biting other children at school. He’s 10 so really, he should not be doing this anymore. The principal, sporting teeth marks on her arm, is fuming and she wants to chat. Now what you say is:

I would say that most of the children who were bitten - they used the same words to describe the biting yes? Said the same things? Like it was ‘painful’ or they called my child a ‘demon’ yeah? Well, it sounds like an orchestrated campaign then. Because many similar points made across most of the complaints generally means my child did nothing wrong thank you very much. They should be discounted.

You were caught by your friend gossiping about her husband to a large group of people. You said he is a pathetic man child who needs to be repeatedly kicked in the nuts. You also said he looks like he would enjoy being the middle part of a human centipede and you said his tiny hands creep you out. Now what you say is:

I think you’re nitpicking. I think what you should be saying is: ‘Yep, you know what? It's not what happens to you in life; it's how you deal with it. And each time there's been a problem, I’ve been upfront, I’ve solved it, and it's kept getting better. Not in this case at all. But in other cases. Cases that I can’t name right now. But I’m sure somewhere, some time I have solved things.

You fed your in-laws and the pastor and his wife death cap mushrooms at lunch. You are worried that you’re in serious trouble. Your ex-husband asks you if you poisoned them. Now what you say is:

My answer is very simple, which is a loaf of bread, a jar of Marmite, an apple isn't rocket science. Actually, parents should take responsibility for providing their lunches.

Your wife has spent the entire day baking a cake for your birthday. It has six layers and is a malted drip cake, smothered in cream cheese icing and drizzled with a dark chocolate ganache. You get home and see it on the bench. You throw it on the floor. She comes in and starts crying. The cake is destroyed. Now what you say is:

It's actually a positive story.

Also, Rawiri Waititi did it not me.

Your husband said you could not get a dog. So you bought a Pomeranian but it’s actually just a really hairy chihuahua and it’s also psychotic. Your husband has just walked in and the dog is barking and biting him. There is piss all over the floor. Your husband says “You did not just get another dog. Tell me you didn’t get a dog”. Now what you say is:

That question is racist. And the people of New Zealand are sick and tired of these race based attacks. I actually think you’re being very thuggish and primitive and if I can think of anymore intensely racist slurs I’m going to use them. Also Debbie Ngarewa-Packer did it not me.

You are on a dancing competition in an attempt to rehabilitate your image as a cold, socially inept racist. The difficulty is, all of the staff working on the programme can’t stand you because of your general vibe which can only be described as creepy and off-putting. You decide the best way to deal with this is to snapchat a bunch of teenagers and now you’re also starring on To Catch a Predator. When you’re asked how it went so wrong, you know exactly what to say:

If you believe you have special rights because of your ethnicity, you're going to be disappointed. I am your worst nightmare. I will snapchat any kid I like and my mate Bish will too. If I proved anything, it’s that anyone can dance, not always that well, but well enough to earn people’s respect and give a lot of entertainment along the way.

Don’t say David Seymour never does anything for you! And if you’re still looking for excuses try the The Christopher Luxon Excuse Generator!

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