The new dawn is not miraculous

But you might be

So many of us went into 2022 teeth bared and ready as if heading into a storm. We were exhausted, already burnt out, and hoping for change. For some of us, last year’s days were mostly sunshine. For others, the days were just dark. So dark.

I have spoken to friends who have said they found no joy in 2022. As the question of highlights of the year came around they couldn’t find a spark to share.

I entered 2023 full of hope. I am easily led. Optimistic at the worst of times. I am drawn to ritual - the countdown, a first swim, fireworks in the night saying: We’re here! We’re not going anywhere! The click over from 11.59 to 12 matters to me more than it should. A new dawn isn’t just a new dawn. It’s miraculous.

I started off well, I really did. Getting up at 6am to swim at the beach on my own. Imagining a new independence, a new ease of life. I marvelled at the behaviour of the children, so relaxed, so easy. They played in the sand for hours, jumped over waves, entertained us with singing and performances…

And then we went home. And life, life sneaks in. I sat down to write after a break that’s longer than many get. I tried to write and nothing came. I walked around my room. Checked my notes. My back began to ache and then a punch in the guts. The tell tale panic rising.