To help you get through....
Time for some meditations!
There’s a bad guy taking over from a bad guy as president of the US and he’s the most awful piece of shit you can ever imagine and there’s a rich guy by his side who maybe definitely did a Nazi salute and who gets other people to pretend to be good at games ??? for him and the apartheid state is trying to break the fragile ceasefire and the new health minister is an anti-abortion misogynist and the Ministry of Health had consultation on private healthcare open to transphobes…
It’s a lot! I can understand how you might want to dig a hole and hide inside the hole! But, we can’t all be mole people, try as we might. So let’s do some meditations eh?
Breathe. You are a standard poodle and your devoted owner has a can of hair spray as big as her arm. She is spraying your poofs and you feel fancy and proud. Your Best in Breed and Best in Group ribbons flutter in the wind. You are focused. You know you are majestic and beautiful and fluffy. You are lifted to the ground from your beautifying station and you are ready. You trot into the ring. Your tail poof high, your butthole just on show(!), your toe nails painted, your snout haughty. You can hear the sighs of wonder from the audience. You are the fanciest dog they have ever seen. The judge in her patent leather court shoes raises her arm - Best in Show. It’s you. It’s always been you.
You are a feral pig the size of an elephant. You are a dangerous and wild beast. You are ungovernable, uncontrollable, you are free. No laws apply to you. Nobody can catch you. You are part of an increasing number of wild pigs terrorising tourists in a small South Island town. Nobody knows what to do about you. You are ugly and angry and you live by your own rules. After you attacked a man in his own backyard, you have been hunted by hundreds. But they cannot find you. They cannot think like you. You know your home, these acres and acres of farmland, in a way no human ever can. This land is your land, its filth is your filth, it is fertile and luscious and it is all yours. You come from a place that capitalism cannot touch. You are untouched. Unbreakable. Nobody can stop you.
(Apologies to the man in Ōamaru who inspired this one by being attacked by a boar - that sounds bad and I’m sorry).
You are a journalist writing a piece called ‘Six Takeaways from the Trump Inauguration’. Your piece has been sent back to you countless times to ensure it properly reflects the political viewpoint of the owners of the newspaper who insist they do not have political viewpoints. You look out the window. The sun is shining. You close your laptop and walk out of the newsroom. You walk out the door and into the street. You keep walking. You walk and walk until you reach the sea. You walk into the water in your clothes. You watch your iPhone 12 float way.
Breathe. You are a fish in an aquarium. No - you are the star. The star of the Kaikyokan Aquarium in Shimonoseki, Japan. You have been described as a sociable sunfish and you think - yeah, that’s me! The aquarium was recently closed for renovations and to be honest, you didn’t notice much. You swim all day, you eat when you’re hungry, you want for nothing. But the humans seemed worried. They stared at you through the glass and wrote things down. You became worried for them. Which made them more worried. You worry more and so do they. You don’t feel like eating your lunch (but it’s OK you’re around 1000kg and you just aren’t hungry). One day there is a flurry of activity. The humans have set up cardboard cut outs of humans facing you. The humans look so happy that you feel happy for them. You have some lunch and they are even happier. It is easy to make them happy and you like it. The cardboard humans unnerve you a little but honestly, it’s fine - you just keep swimming.
Breathe. You are Melania Trump’s hat. Your only job today is to shield her face from Melania’s ugly husband’s thin and dry lips. Do you like Melania? No. She will not be spared in the revolution. But, you are a hat and you have a job to do. Your brim is wide. You are what they call a ‘custom ensemble’. Melania practised the kiss with the milliner. The milliner, skin soft and sweet, lips plump and full, leaned forward again and again and you shielded Melania. The milliner, hair long and sleek, breasts heaving, eventually pushed you to the side and you watched her and Melania tangled in passion. Later Donald Trump’s face will smush against your brim, his rancid breath will appear for a second but be gone quickly, but you will have done your job. You will have kept him away. And then you will be placed above the wardrobe where you will watch lovers parade through Melania’s bedroom. Until the day comes that a hot commie will stick you atop their head and beam into their phone as the palace burns. The revolution will be televised after all.
Breathe. You are an ostrich. Your eye is bigger than your brain. You have more space in your skull for your eyes than your brain. You lack the ability to construct the complex social structures seen in other bird species. You’re just an ostrich. Nobody expects anything from you. You just stand there and that’s all you have to do. Sometimes you walk around in circles. Why? You do not know. More importantly, you do not care to know. You do not pursue happiness. You are simply happy. Because you are an ostrich. And that’s all you need to be.
Breathe. You are a school-aged child. You are enjoying the school holidays. Your parents are tired and stressed but they are committed to making sure you have fun. They have created unique opportunities almost every day for you to play and learn and relax. Every day they give you their time and attention. You have been to the beach many times, clip and climb, the gardens, so many playgrounds, you have been able to watch your favourite TV show and play your favourite game while your parents serve you your favourite foods. You were given water guns and got to spend two hours in the bath with your brother spraying water everywhere. Your parents clean up after you and love you and provide everything you could ever need. You’re slightly bored. Not really bored, just in the mood for something. You see your mum smile at you lovingly. She is kind and patient. You watch her open her laptop - you decide this is the perfect time to wail that she never does anything for you. You take a deep breath and unleash.
You are a pistachio nut. You are nestled in a plastic baggie with other nuts. Nuts you’ve never met before (whole blanched peanuts, cashews, almonds). There are also whole other species in this baggie with you - dried fruit (raisins and diced apricots) and even chocolate. You are being gently jostled in the darkness of a pocket and you feel happy and at ease. Everyone is excited. You can smell pine trees and fresh grass. It is so wonderful to be out of your packet and in a world with so many others. Suddenly you stop and bright light washes over you. You see a view that is as blindingly beautiful as the sudden sunshine. You’re somewhere up high, you know that much. You are looking down on an awe-inspiring world. You’ve never seen such majesty. You can see hills, lakes, little houses that seem tiny from here. This world is so full of loveliness. You feel so thankful for everything you’ve seen from inside this little plastic baggie. A giant hand reaches in and you’re brought even closer to the wonder. You close your eyes and take a moment to consider how lucky you are. You’re a little pistachio nut who got to see the world. You are grateful scroggin.
That’s all folks! Be gentle with yourself. Touch grass. Pat a dog. Live, laugh, lube. I am on your side, cheering you on.
grateful scroggin 🙏
Current favourite is Melania’s hat, but this may change as I reread…