I can remember sobbing “I’m not cut out for this” on my husband’s shoulder in our hallway, as our newborn twins cried and cried in the living room. The first nine months at home with two babies were the darkest days of my life. I found being at home with them so hard that I became physically ill, and in the longer term I chose to run myself ragged tackling a full-on uni degree from when they were 14 months old (part time until they turned three, because I felt bad about not being home with them and instead half-killed myself trying to combine being a hands-on Mum with being really busy with assignments), and then full time at uni.
I am so thankful that those days are behind me, and I honestly marvel at anybody who has more than one pregnancy, because I couldn’t have lived through it all again (admittedly two babies are insanely hard, but even so!). I’ve most recently felt mother-related rage when my younger sister - a mother of two older teenagers and one three year old who has reinvented herself as a #gentleparent and is extremely sanctimonious with it - just casually dropped into a conversation that she’s obviously much more maternal than me because, unlike me, she’s chosen to make her third child the sun around which the rest of their household orbits. I somehow managed to resist the urge to swear profusely as I politely challenged her views and pointed out that I’m extremely maternal towards my kids, who are eight years old and adore me, but that ‘maternal’ isn’t a static state or a gold star we earn by ‘doing’ motherhood in a particular way.
Yes I love what you said about the term “maternal”. It really resonates with me. Maternal is a word so often used to hurt and grade and denigrate mums!
Caring for children is the most important thing a person can do for the sake of this world. The work that mothers do is the work that creates a society. That society shapes the world we live in, our environment, the cities and towns we live in. When will this be realised, acknowledged and appreciated? That is what makes me angry.
What will it take for people to realise that parenthood (especially motherhood) is completely incongruous with modern life?
This country has failed mothers for decades. I felt it and my daughter is now 31. You're left at home with no support and everyone feels free to criticise every decision you make and everything you do for your baby. Your husband has to work to earn the daily bread (and in my day there was no such thing as paid parental leave). So he's too tired to do more than a little bit of interaction with the children when he finally gets home from work. Unless you know other mothers in the same position you are totally isolated and starved of adult company. THIS COUNTRY FAILS ITS MOTHERS. The parents of its next generation. I still rage 31 years later.
Em. I read this on a day where I'm at home with a sick baby, trying to be present on a zoom call even though my baby needs me to be present with him. I'm not doing either job properly. I read this and cried.
Fuckkkk yes!! To all of this! I’ve been told by family they miss the ‘OLD ME’ because I’m so angry these days... I have SO much to be angry about. We have so much to be angry about. Also... what kind of friend says you look like motherhood doesn’t suit you?! Tf? Reading rants in the dark when pregnant was immeasurably helpful to sift through all the falsehoods were fed about motherhood being a dreamy bliss land where you laze in bed with your babe all loved up 24/7.
Oh my, this resonates so much... I’ve been trying for some time to come to terms with the feelings of anger/bitterness I have after my third child. I’m just so entirely fucked in regards to my career or in having any kind of gratifying life outside what feels like the prison of my family commitments... meanwhile hubby goes up and up and up.... I look at this situation and feel completely screwed by the the whole system. I used to earn more than him! But it seems now I’m damned if I go try and work (because I’ll be tired, overworked and overwhelmed) and I’m damned if I don’t work and stay home and lose my dignity, self respect, feeling of success and recognition of a job well done etc... “working from home” is a thankless, soul-destroying if it’s not your thing and as much as I love my children, I’m furious that the responsibility for their well-being is on me alone and I have NO CHOICE in the matter.
I’m thinking of writing a tell all book for young women called “No, you most certainly cannot have it all, bcos this world won’t let you!... So choose a career or children or you’ll go mad mad mad!” 😂
YES!!!!! I felt this most after my second child. Absolutely trapped too. And so so angry. I tried to talk to people but they either didn't listen, or didn't WANT to listen? Some Friends, family, partner. I found other friends. We now Rage together. And refuse to keep quiet.
I feel powerful and justified reading this. I get told I'm wasting time feeling this way. Like shut up and do the dishes. This drives me, this intense love and the work I do for it and equally the rage that it's so hard and lonely and vital to my children having a less shit world to grow in and for their love to be easier than mine. And my insides feel like that picture screaming and screaming. You are so important Emily thank you for writing this, it's a relief to see bits of the thoughts that live in some kind of pre lingual ooze in my brain strung into something more eloquent than my "fucking fuck"s 😂
Thank you for acknowledging rage as a mechanism for driving things forward. My husband died by suicide 2 years ago, and when I got to the rage part of grief I knew I would survive it. I harnessed it to drive me through and to create a really good plan b. Rage is like the driving force you use to make things better. As a single mother to a special needs child, I tell you what, society often renders us invisible. Working feels impossible. Unsolicited advice gets thrown at me all the time, in a way that I know wouldn’t happen if it was my husband in this position. I’ve actually got this, me and my can of flyspray 😉.
I can remember sobbing “I’m not cut out for this” on my husband’s shoulder in our hallway, as our newborn twins cried and cried in the living room. The first nine months at home with two babies were the darkest days of my life. I found being at home with them so hard that I became physically ill, and in the longer term I chose to run myself ragged tackling a full-on uni degree from when they were 14 months old (part time until they turned three, because I felt bad about not being home with them and instead half-killed myself trying to combine being a hands-on Mum with being really busy with assignments), and then full time at uni.
I am so thankful that those days are behind me, and I honestly marvel at anybody who has more than one pregnancy, because I couldn’t have lived through it all again (admittedly two babies are insanely hard, but even so!). I’ve most recently felt mother-related rage when my younger sister - a mother of two older teenagers and one three year old who has reinvented herself as a #gentleparent and is extremely sanctimonious with it - just casually dropped into a conversation that she’s obviously much more maternal than me because, unlike me, she’s chosen to make her third child the sun around which the rest of their household orbits. I somehow managed to resist the urge to swear profusely as I politely challenged her views and pointed out that I’m extremely maternal towards my kids, who are eight years old and adore me, but that ‘maternal’ isn’t a static state or a gold star we earn by ‘doing’ motherhood in a particular way.
Yes I love what you said about the term “maternal”. It really resonates with me. Maternal is a word so often used to hurt and grade and denigrate mums!
Caring for children is the most important thing a person can do for the sake of this world. The work that mothers do is the work that creates a society. That society shapes the world we live in, our environment, the cities and towns we live in. When will this be realised, acknowledged and appreciated? That is what makes me angry.
What will it take for people to realise that parenthood (especially motherhood) is completely incongruous with modern life?
This country has failed mothers for decades. I felt it and my daughter is now 31. You're left at home with no support and everyone feels free to criticise every decision you make and everything you do for your baby. Your husband has to work to earn the daily bread (and in my day there was no such thing as paid parental leave). So he's too tired to do more than a little bit of interaction with the children when he finally gets home from work. Unless you know other mothers in the same position you are totally isolated and starved of adult company. THIS COUNTRY FAILS ITS MOTHERS. The parents of its next generation. I still rage 31 years later.
Em. I read this on a day where I'm at home with a sick baby, trying to be present on a zoom call even though my baby needs me to be present with him. I'm not doing either job properly. I read this and cried.
Aroha nui Alison ❤️
Fuckkkk yes!! To all of this! I’ve been told by family they miss the ‘OLD ME’ because I’m so angry these days... I have SO much to be angry about. We have so much to be angry about. Also... what kind of friend says you look like motherhood doesn’t suit you?! Tf? Reading rants in the dark when pregnant was immeasurably helpful to sift through all the falsehoods were fed about motherhood being a dreamy bliss land where you laze in bed with your babe all loved up 24/7.
I’m so glad it was a help ❤️
Oh my, this resonates so much... I’ve been trying for some time to come to terms with the feelings of anger/bitterness I have after my third child. I’m just so entirely fucked in regards to my career or in having any kind of gratifying life outside what feels like the prison of my family commitments... meanwhile hubby goes up and up and up.... I look at this situation and feel completely screwed by the the whole system. I used to earn more than him! But it seems now I’m damned if I go try and work (because I’ll be tired, overworked and overwhelmed) and I’m damned if I don’t work and stay home and lose my dignity, self respect, feeling of success and recognition of a job well done etc... “working from home” is a thankless, soul-destroying if it’s not your thing and as much as I love my children, I’m furious that the responsibility for their well-being is on me alone and I have NO CHOICE in the matter.
I’m thinking of writing a tell all book for young women called “No, you most certainly cannot have it all, bcos this world won’t let you!... So choose a career or children or you’ll go mad mad mad!” 😂
YES!!!!! I felt this most after my second child. Absolutely trapped too. And so so angry. I tried to talk to people but they either didn't listen, or didn't WANT to listen? Some Friends, family, partner. I found other friends. We now Rage together. And refuse to keep quiet.
Oh my god - I LOVE this. And My baby’s nearly 19 and at university - and I still rage.
YES. So much yes. I'm sure most of my feelings these days are to do with barely contained rage.
An amazing piece of writing Emily, you articulated those feelings of early motherhood so well ❤️. Happy/angry International Women’s Day!
The anger that fuels the heart- because it myst be possible for life to be better for everyone. Thanks Emily ❤️
I definitely believe it’s possible ❤️
Ps... HAPPY FIRST DAY SELF EMPLOYED!
Thank you! It’s very exciting!!
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I feel powerful and justified reading this. I get told I'm wasting time feeling this way. Like shut up and do the dishes. This drives me, this intense love and the work I do for it and equally the rage that it's so hard and lonely and vital to my children having a less shit world to grow in and for their love to be easier than mine. And my insides feel like that picture screaming and screaming. You are so important Emily thank you for writing this, it's a relief to see bits of the thoughts that live in some kind of pre lingual ooze in my brain strung into something more eloquent than my "fucking fuck"s 😂
Thank you for acknowledging rage as a mechanism for driving things forward. My husband died by suicide 2 years ago, and when I got to the rage part of grief I knew I would survive it. I harnessed it to drive me through and to create a really good plan b. Rage is like the driving force you use to make things better. As a single mother to a special needs child, I tell you what, society often renders us invisible. Working feels impossible. Unsolicited advice gets thrown at me all the time, in a way that I know wouldn’t happen if it was my husband in this position. I’ve actually got this, me and my can of flyspray 😉.
Shit that's a powerful piece of writing Em!
I too have never felt rage like I've felt since having children. This is such a hopeful piece though. Rage is a powerful call to action.