Can you believe this shocking new podcast is so shocking!!!!

It's shockingly shocking.

Fully grown adult and failed car wash owner Matthew Ridge is probably best known for exploiting 97 of his employees and having multiple breaches of employment law. But if you don’t know him, he’s desperately hoping you will soon, thanks to his “shocking” new podcast.

The 55-year-old (yes, he’s literally a grown man) has just launched a podcast called something like Dull Unemployed Men Desperately Try To be Relevant. He’s also had a bunch of free publicity for this podcast thanks to his use of homophobic slurs and his public admission that he’s desperate, to the point of physical pain, to be cancelled.

I thought it would be useful to write up a transcript of his “shocking” new podcast. And it is “shocking”. Believe me. You will have only heard this kind of banter…on most podcasts of has-beens trying to get attention.

Surely, this unemployed man will be fired from his job that he doesn’t have. Surely, even though he ‘fell from grace’ 25 years ago, he will be ‘cancelled’ now.

You decide. Given you, and you alone, have the power to make or break the career of a man who does not have a career. And does not have the skills to run a car wash.

Read the transcript and make up your own mind! Don’t let the WOKE brigade make up your mind for you!!!

Dull Unemployed Men Desperately Try To be Relevant - with Generic White Guy and Matthew Ridge. Episode one.

Generic White Guy: Hi I’m a guy nobody has ever heard of. Welcome to Dull Unemployed Men Desperately Try To be Relevant.

Matthew Ridge: Faggot.

Generic White Guy: Awesome banter!

Matthew Ridge: WOW DON’T CANCEL ME. Please, please I’m begging you, I am on my knees and I’m trembling. Please don’t cancel me! I would be so sad if you did! I just would be so sad if people paid attention to me!

Generic White Guy: Look, you’re just saying what people aren’t allowed to say now.

Matthew Ridge: Nobody is allowed to say it!

Generic White Guy: But it’s what everyone is thinking.

Matthew Ridge: But nobody can say it. But I’m saying it.

Generic White Guy: I’m also saying it-

Matthew Ridge: Mainly me, saying what you’re not allowed to say. But everyone is thinking it but not saying it but I’m saying it. The thing nobody is allowed to say. I’m just saying the thing that everyone is thinking but can’t say. Nobody has said this before.

Generic White Guy: Nobody has ever said this stuff! You can’t even say this stuff! This is wild!

Matthew Ridge: Faggot. Faggot. Faggot.

Generic White Guy: Amazing banter!

Matthew Ridge: OK, don’t cancel me! Please, please I’m begging you don’t cancel me. Don’t come over to my house at say 5.30pm and cancel me. Don’t come over and have some dinner with me and watch a bit of TV and cancel me. Don’t cancel me while we hang out. Please I’m so lonely. Don’t cancel me. I haven’t been hugged in so long that sometimes I wonder if I’ve forgotten what it feels like!

Generic White Guy: I’m not offended! This is banter!

Matthew Ridge: I said DON’T CANCEL ME! I don’t give a fuck if you cancel me! Sometimes I look in the mirror and the bottomless emptiness that exists inside me feels like it will overwhelm me so cancel me. Cancel me! Faggot. Faggot. Faggot. Homo. Gay. Faggot. Fucking queer. Faggot. Pink. Pink faggot.

Generic White Guy: We are just two guys. Telling it like it is. Just saying the things nobody-

Matthew Ridge: Do you ever sit at home and look around and think it’s so quiet? It’s so quiet here. I am alone. I am completely alone? Gay people are faggots.

Generic White Guy: I think the thing is that nobody is saying what we are saying. No two men have ever been on a podcast together and tried to get cancelled. It’s never happened. Certainly no straight guy has ever called gay people faggots. Or queers. Or pink faggot queers.

Matthew Ridge: *sobbing into the microphone* JUST CANCEL ME. PLEASE. PLEASE. I need this. I need to be relevant again. I used to be on a TV show. Do you remember? Do you remember me? What if I say the N word? Will that work? I’ll say it!

Generic White Guy: That’s all we have time for today. Thanks for listening to our original podcast which is brand new and like nothing you’ve ever listened to before podcast! We will see you next week when we will talk about things that we are not allowed to talk about but we will talk about them. That’s all from us - just two guys absolutely desperate for someone, anyone, to care about them.

Matthew Ridge: Faggot.