Many decades ago my friend and I, who were both single parents, facilitated a couple of ante-natal courses for couples in a middle class area. They were first time parents and I noticed that most people were mainly concerned about the birth which was the big thing ahead of them. We talked about how babies don't sleep much and you do what feels right for you, and that breastfeeding can hurt incredibly for several weeks, abdominal pains, as well as exhaustion, looking after yourself, and a lot of other stuff. The main benefit of ante-natal classes is that you have a ready made support group post birth, and sometimes those relationships last for years. We met up with the parents for a few months and we often heard 'why didn't you tell us about x'. We had. I think it is better to have specific groups for new parents separate from ante-natal classes. There used to be a 10 week New Mothers Support Group course, with child care provided, facilitated by other parents, which covered a lot of the practical and change of identity stuff. Something like that could be updated for today's new parents.
So well said Hillary - I mean I did an antenatal class and always said the best thing was the people I met. I can’t believe how little I knew - I didn’t know you have to push the placenta out haha (I thought it just came out with the baby) I didn’t know you can bleed like big clot things after birth. I didn’t know afterpains continue. Everyone told me if breastfeeding hurts “you’re doing it wrong” so I just blamed myself. It’s such a confusing time - support groups post birth is crucial. My midwife was my lifeline but you only have them for six weeks. I used to be a Plunket in Neighbourhood (PIN) group facilitator - and it’s sad those aren’t operating anymore. If I ever won Lotto I’d make a house where mums drop in and have support and a place for a coffee, a place to get help with baby etc I wish we had something that prioritises mums and birthing parents and their health.
The problem is at the top with the Ministry of Health who demonize Breastfeeding. My baby starved for the first 3.5 days because I had a breast condition that meant I lacked sufficient glands to produce milk. Despite everyone on the maternity ward recognizing this (& failing to tell us this was a problem) it wasn't until the 3.5 day mark when my baby stopped his 24/7 crying (was starving, he got jaundice and lost 15% of his body weight in 3 days, was almost admitted to pediatrics ward) that a lovely midwife finally came in and said 'this is ridiculous, your baby is severely dehydrated, no one is telling you your boobs don't work and we need to give this baby a bottle'. How is starving a baby better than just giving a baby some food?! Mental. It was such a traumatic experience and I just don't see how offering a bottle is supposedly so much worse than what we (& sooo many others) go through post partum with their feeding Journeys.
Imagine how much more amazing midwives would be if they were allowed to talk about formula feeding and safe co-sleeping! The directive is coming from the top and there needs to be a change so that every parenting journey is supported. This would actually ensure safe formula feeding/co-sleeping is taught. To be educated is always the best solution.
O I had the same experience - word for word with the jaundice, the screaming starving baby, me in hysterics no idea what is happening and trying to recover from c section. I literally looked at my husband and said I want to run away. Then finally (after 3 days) I cracked and said I want formula I don't care, please I just want to sleep and him to stop screaming. And I remember in the pitch black a nurse bringing me some formula and a piece of paper that I had to sign to say I understand the dangers of me feeding him formula. That was the straw that broke the camel's back to be honest. I still can't believe it all and it was seven years ago. Seared into my brain. :(
The antenatal class I did in 2017 was a waste of time. They focused so much on the birth and having our "rights" respected. It all went out the window when I was induced (not wanted) and ended up in an emergency C-section 38 hours later.
The classes were over 8 weeks I think and there was one 2 hour session on a Saturday that covered "how to change a nappy", and they played a sound file of a baby crying then passed around a doll and said "now you have to get them to stop crying". WTF. And the doll didn't stop crying so it was a waste of time.
I was really angry after my birth and I felt there was such a huge missed opportunity with the antenatal classes. Teach us something useful about parenting a newborn, not about how you should take lip balm into hospital for the birth because your lips might get dry.
While they told us that a newborn poops 8 - 10 times a day, they didn't say that you need to try different nappies to avoid baby shitting through their clothes every time. Noone explained the differences between disposible vs cloth, benefits vs negatives of each, how to pull out the frill on a disposible so it caught poop, how different brands of disposables are different sizes.
How you can use a microwave to warm milk and you don't have to boil a bloody bottle. How to double sheet a cot with a mattress protector /sheet /mattress protector /sheet so you weren't having to make a cot at 2am (though sometimes you would need more than 2 changes in one night). How many changes of clothes for baby you would really need in hospital if you end up with a C-section (yes, we ran out).
I wish I still had the chat log from my bewildered and distressed fellow mums who were just shell-shocked post birth - I do remember one friend saying "oh my god, why did noone tell us it was like this?"
It makes me mad just thinking about it but I did consider setting up a "this is the real shit you need to know" classes but I was too freaking exhausted from parenting. There is no support post partum either so if you don't have a family that is super supportive you are on your own.
Honestly this is so useful and heaps of it I didn’t know and I’ve been a parent for a decade! I think as well this is why we need the village right? And the ability to share without shame or judgement to support new parents...
If we can ressurect the village that would be wonderful. I feel like capitalism has killed it completely - when it takes two incomes to sustain even a basic living for a couple, let alone with kids, then the at home support you need to sustain a village becomes really difficult.
I hear ya, we needed a course with some old school wisdom and survival techniques to help to get through the first few months with a little less hardship. Many of us didn’t have the wisdom of mums/aunties/sisters/friends to guide us through the tricks and nuances of caring for baby and keeping ourselves alive. This is the information we need for future mammas.
I wish I’d had given up breastfeeding after a few months.. it made me exhausted, damaged my back, I gained heaps of weight and I often felt totally overwhelmed and miserable. If that helps anyone, I’m glad.
This is exactly what we need. I didn't have any family around who came to stay or even visit after the baby (other than the obligatory cup of tea and newborn cuddles).
I struggled with breast feeding from day one and hated it. I gave up and went fully formula at 3 months and still remember balling my eyes out at his last feed because I felt like such a failure.
I didn't even know that you should be pumping to start your milk flow, especially if you are induced. It took 4 days for my milk to even start to come in and about that long for someone in the hospital to mention there was a pump I should be using.
I also recall a nurse telling me that formula would sit in my babies stomach like a brick. This was 2017.
Sorry to whinge but the post natal experience for me was bloody awful and I have often thought about what we can do to help other parents avoid my experience, but I'm not qualified to go out and start parenting courses.
Ooof this hurts my heart. I had such a terrible time at antenatal class - our baby was born early, spent time in NICU, and HAD to be formula fed cuz my milk never came in. and there’s just no talk of what to do when it all falls apart. Now my experience was shitty in comparison to most, and I don’t think anyone can prepare you for walking to NICU from your own hospital bed to their incubator to feed them at 3am.
I know my story isn’t most peoples. But just having an antenatal educator say “things will go wrong, it doesn’t mean you’re doing a bad job” would have made such a difference to how I experienced the whole thing.
Yes. So so true. I wish the focus hadn’t been so much on a “healthy” baby with no disabilities...there’s such an emphasis on the perfect birth and the perfect postpartum period and it is very isolating if your experience isn’t anything like that. I don’t think they need to cover every angle, they do need to talk about how we can show up with empathy for ourselves ❤️ even when that’s the hardest thing to do.
Such a great article Emily! My antenatal class was such a waste of time and the lack of info added to me developing postpartum anxiety and PTSD. Over six weeks, five were dedicated to the birth - but only vaginal births. Week six was a very quick rushed session on nappies, breastfeeding, sleep etc. Luckily I had done a separate day course on breastfeeding with Liora Noy, otherwise I would have had even less of a clue of what to do. The antenatal class didn't cover how to safely make up a bottle, or talk about realistic sleep expectations or how to co-sleep safely if needed.
They didn't cover c-sections at all. So when I had to have an emergency c-section I had no idea what to expect, which added to how scary it felt. One woman was due to have an elective c-section so left the class as it wasn't useful for her at all.
We did a tour of the hospital and when someone asked what SCBU was, she said oh you don't need to know about that- only premature babies go there. But my full-term baby did end up there, and it again was very scary because I didn't know what it was or what to expect. Luckily SCBU did an awesome session for SCBU parents, which gave valuable information for us.
Thank yo Melanie! I now run also CBE classes for Parent Centre South and I am as honest as can be about the challenges of 4th trimester, I do talk about safe bed sharing, and only 1/3 of my class is about the birth, 2/3 is about after...
I agrees the guidelines need to be revised. Before having my daughter (now 6), I had no idea that formula feeding was a choice. I did an antenatal class (I thought it was great!) but I didn't know that too much or too little breast milk was a thing. It wasn't until I was in it, unable to feed my baby enough from my breast that I learned about it, and also heard from others who were formula fed themselves or formula fed their little ones (multi generational too!). I always assumed I'd be able to breastfeed, but the reality was a very challenging time, with a lot of tears and frustration. In comparison, my best friend is Scottish and she told me that in Scotland breastfeeding is very rare. She had no qualms about bottle feeding - said she'd give the breast a go but wouldn't get hung up on it. So different to my experience and I wish I'd been forewarned so I knew about various outcomes.
Fuck, it can be so hard. Years on I'm still traumatised by the early months of parenting. I took all the support I could get and we were both healthy but inside I was a mess. Breastfeeding did get better for me but the physical pain and mental anguish early on...
The Antenatal and Parenting Education space has been a mixed bag for some years. The medicalisation of parenting and funding based on health messages and outcomes has skewed it and left parents shortchanged.
10 years ago I lead the rewrite of Plunket’s parenting programme. As a non clinical person in a clinical organisation it was initially a challenge to get some changes through. One of those was the idea that you couldn’t discuss bottle feeding. The WHO code is often trotted out as being the reason. And yet the bottom line of the code is about parents having information to feed their baby safely and nutritionally. Knowing about bottle feeding is not only about breast milk alternatives. To close the conversation down is missing lots of opportunities to discuss relationship, safe use of bottles, how to mimic breast feeding etc. As we liked to say feeding is much more than food! And it is about respecting parents agency.
Safe sleep was also something we encouraged facilitators to talk about. How to make every sleep a safe sleep whether in your bed or not!
Sadly in some parts of the country the programme was not delivered in the way it was written due to interference by some staff who neither understood adult learning and facilitation or understood parenting.
Communicating health messages be it antenatal or after baby is born needs conversation. Parents are not empty vessels to be filled with information.
DHB funding for Antenatal comes with the need to provide certain messages. This needn’t negate providing information that parents need and allowing parents to make the choices that are right for them and their situation.
While a review of how both antenatal and parenting programmes is needed, the problem with guidelines is it requires the people delivering them to work within those guidelines and standards. That will always be a challenge. Especially when funding is involved.
Trying to fit birth education and parenting into a small window will inevitably leave parents shortchanged. Sadly.
I’m thankful for the antenatal classes from Parents Centre and the couple of honest birth classes at the hospital I got 35years ago. Parenting was learned through the relationships developed in groups I joined. Forever thankful for those groups and friends made.
Great article! So many feelings! I did the parent center antenatal class and a DHB breastfeeding class that was basically ‘breastfeeding is great, everyone can do it, now watch this WHO promotional video’. They actually said it was extremely rare to have supply issues. Of course we were completely unprepared when our daughter didn’t gain weight and needed formula. We had no education about formula types, bottles etc. I think there should be formula consultants just like lactation consultants. I get so angry looking back on all of this! Becoming a parent is such a hard transition already, and the lack of education (and actual lies) just add to the anguish. I combo fed for six months and it was so much work, but I felt she needed to have breastmilk. She would have been, and is, totally fine and healthy on just formula. The book Cribsheet by Emily Oster is outstanding and I think all expectant parents should read it.
This is so similar to my story. Arohanui Mama. I gave breastfeeding everything (also combo fed) for 6 months and it still didn’t work out. I was so so cross that the DHB rams breastfeeding down your throat when you’re pregnant and if you have problems after the baby arrives there’s basically no support. I did a Parents Centre ante natal course with 14 other women. We were all 100% committed to breastfeeding but every one of us did some form of bottle feeding, be it formula or expressed. Thank you for sharing your stories, the more we talk about this the better.
So good to hear similar stories! Thank you ❤️I wish someone would just ease the burden and say that it doesn’t really matter. I took domperidone to increase my supply and it had a terrible impact on my mental health. Midwife, dr, consultant all recommended it. Breastmilk should not be more important than the wellbeing of a new parent.
I felt the same way, even though at my peak my output was 5ml (!!!) of breastmilk per day (my newborn needed 30ml every 3 hours so do the math...!), I still felt that I needed to put baby on the boob for half an hour, then give him formula, then hand express for 1/2 hour afterwards, just because I was told that even the smallest amount of breastmilk was better than none. I kept this up for 6 months b4 bubs refused the boob. WTF was I thinking? Exclusively formula feed is totally fine and I'm pretty certain the minute quantities my son was extracting from me didn't make any difference except to contribute to my sleep deprivation.
Yes!!! Every feed was such a mission. Trying to keep formula warm while breastfeeding, then pumping while holding a baby. My daughter eventually refused the boob at about 6 months too. I also look back and think WTF was I thinking. Was so determined at the time though.
We should be told that feeding your baby is enough. Just keeping them alive is an achievement in itself in that newborn haze, let alone all the pressure put on us to BF at ALL costs. I was so much more rested and happier when I finally went 100% formula. Formula feeding also isn't the easy way out, so much more equipment to keep sterile, issues with preparing feeds when out of the house, and more expensive too. Both are hard options whichever route you take, but a fed baby is best for everyone!
At different times as a volunteer, I facilitated an under 1's Playgroup. I often said "The organisation says this, but this is my experience" as a way to stop these new parents from feeling so adrift. It was the best I could do in the situation. I also know locally that there has always been talk questioning why even bottle feeding itself isn't talked about, as babies who are exclusively feed chest milk may also be offered pumped chest milk in a bottle.
The freak out over formula and bottles is intense. I bottle fed pumped breat milk as a top up and later did 50/50 breast and formula. So hard to get good info without judgement. Also couldn't understand why formula always came in stonking great tins like you only ever completely replace breastmilk?
Ugh this! This is why I’m so excited to start my new business - it’s called The Early Days NZ. It’s about post-partum education - not antenatal but there are similar issues in this space. There are soooooo many unregulated ‘post partum educators’ out there with NO clinical experience or deeper understanding of the complex biological, cultural, psychosocial and socio economical factors that can influence a families post partum experience. I would love everyone’s feedback if you have a chance to check out my Instagram (if you scroll to the beginning of my grid there is an intro post as to who I am and why I’m doing it).
But essentially I’m a nurse with relevant clinical experience, and I’m also a solo mum to a 15 month old, and I suffered badly with PPD. I’m designing a holistic and evidence based post partum education workshop which I’m hoping to deliver in person and online, to paying customers and to non-paying customers referred to me through healthcare providers or cultural organisations.
The goal is to arm new parents with the tools and knowledge that they need to navigate post partum - and my doing so hopefully improve outcomes for babies, and lesson incidences of PPD in our country. Lofty goals but I do believe they’re achievable, and I’m working my butt off to get this off the ground by the end of the year.
Thanks Emily! I want it to be a really inclusive space, so if you have a chance to have a look and can give me any constructive criticism from that lens, I’d really appreciate it. Hope you’re feeling a little bit better tonight too x
This is so cool! If you haven't already seen the work by Holli McEntergart at Inhabit Postpartum you should check her out. She is also really passionate about the postpartum space. Could be a great opportunity for collaboration somewhere there.
Oh yay! Yea I used her as my post partum doula (which I wish was provided to everyone like midwives in NZ not just for the privileged). She was amazing and supported us with our first bub thru lockdowns.
I hated the laser focus on breastfeeding in our antenatal classes; when I went back the next year as a helper, I 100% talked about formula at the one class we (the volunteers) led (in the absence of the official facilitator).
Not to mention how inevitable it is that tired parents will fall asleep full stop. Falling asleep on the couch is way more dangerous than in a bed, as is falling asleep at the wheel (happened to my cousin). I exclusively co-slept with my 3rd for years because it meant I never had to leave bed, never fully woke up (and I also have an awesome partner who deals with sleep deprivation much better than I do so took over on the nights that co-sleeping wasn’t enough)
I was lucky in the respect that the Plunket facilitator that took a few of our antenatal sessions did talk about formula and told us candidly that her three children were formula fed. She absolutely knew this was a taboo topic, but I bet her sharing her experience meant a hell of a lot to the families who went on to formula feed after their babies were born. She said, "when you look across the playground, can anyone tell which children were breastfed and which were bottle fed?" And she was so right.
The midwife who taught us about giving birth clearly had a lot of opinions she wanted to share but couldn't. She was very anti pain relief in labour, I remember that well. She talked a lot about her own home births. I think she conveyed a lot of judgement towards people who wanted or needed hospital births, and who wanted pain relief. It annoys me when I think of it now...
I don't know if regulation is the answer or not, but the standard curriculum could for sure be updated. Midwives know the realities of those early weeks and months of parenting. They know that babies want to be held in the night. They know that some people allow other people to breastfeed their babies for them and that is totally an option. I'm sure they wish they could talk about that stuff more, and maybe take a more understanding approach.
This is a great article, thank you. I went to antenatal classes in my first pregnancy, our facilitator did a good job of covering off some aspects of early parenting life, like cluster feeding and how often newborns wake at night. It would have been really helpful to have learnt about safe co-sleeping though because my daughter was one of those babies who woke up every 2 hours for a feed for months. There were many nights where I fell asleep in the armchair while feeding her. I ended up co-sleeping/feeding with her when I went back to work because it was the only way I could function. And we got taught some scaremongering about epidurals, which was unfortunate because I needed one during labour and would have liked to have been better informed about that!
I am a first time mum to an 8 week old baby. I left the hospital where I gave birth not knowing what breastfeeding was meant to feel like and ended up spending 8 nights in a neonatal ward because my daughter wasn't feeding properly and had lost a bunch of weight. Although we discussed breastfeeding in my antenatal class I was totally unprepared for how hard it was. If a lactation consultant had been able to visit me soon after birth to check my latch, and keep visiting me on a regular basis for a few weeks after, I think I would have had a much more positive experience.
Re co-sleeping, I have started following Dr Heather Johnston (cradlednz) on Instagram. She provides some great info on how to co-sleep safely.
Oh gosh Meghan that sucks so much that you had to go through that - I feel so strongly that if you’d been given access to the information that you needed on feeding your newborn you might have avoided that really challenging experience. I’m sorry that the system let you down - but so glad to hear that your baby is feeding well now - well done you!
Yes yes yes, this piece is amazing Emily! Our antenatal classes (bless the educator though, she was lovely) spent a whole session on how to get the right bath temperature and it goes without saying, nothing about formula, bottle feeding, or even anything about sleeping, let alone safe cosleeping. When we ended up formula feeding our first baby, we had literally no idea about how to sterilise bottles, prepare one, anything of the sort. Our midwife came over and taught us, and for that we are so grateful. Although the classes did help us understand birth better and meet other parents who were a great support system, it was definitely lacking in what the reality of caring for a baby would be like, for us anyway.
Many decades ago my friend and I, who were both single parents, facilitated a couple of ante-natal courses for couples in a middle class area. They were first time parents and I noticed that most people were mainly concerned about the birth which was the big thing ahead of them. We talked about how babies don't sleep much and you do what feels right for you, and that breastfeeding can hurt incredibly for several weeks, abdominal pains, as well as exhaustion, looking after yourself, and a lot of other stuff. The main benefit of ante-natal classes is that you have a ready made support group post birth, and sometimes those relationships last for years. We met up with the parents for a few months and we often heard 'why didn't you tell us about x'. We had. I think it is better to have specific groups for new parents separate from ante-natal classes. There used to be a 10 week New Mothers Support Group course, with child care provided, facilitated by other parents, which covered a lot of the practical and change of identity stuff. Something like that could be updated for today's new parents.
So well said Hillary - I mean I did an antenatal class and always said the best thing was the people I met. I can’t believe how little I knew - I didn’t know you have to push the placenta out haha (I thought it just came out with the baby) I didn’t know you can bleed like big clot things after birth. I didn’t know afterpains continue. Everyone told me if breastfeeding hurts “you’re doing it wrong” so I just blamed myself. It’s such a confusing time - support groups post birth is crucial. My midwife was my lifeline but you only have them for six weeks. I used to be a Plunket in Neighbourhood (PIN) group facilitator - and it’s sad those aren’t operating anymore. If I ever won Lotto I’d make a house where mums drop in and have support and a place for a coffee, a place to get help with baby etc I wish we had something that prioritises mums and birthing parents and their health.
The problem is at the top with the Ministry of Health who demonize Breastfeeding. My baby starved for the first 3.5 days because I had a breast condition that meant I lacked sufficient glands to produce milk. Despite everyone on the maternity ward recognizing this (& failing to tell us this was a problem) it wasn't until the 3.5 day mark when my baby stopped his 24/7 crying (was starving, he got jaundice and lost 15% of his body weight in 3 days, was almost admitted to pediatrics ward) that a lovely midwife finally came in and said 'this is ridiculous, your baby is severely dehydrated, no one is telling you your boobs don't work and we need to give this baby a bottle'. How is starving a baby better than just giving a baby some food?! Mental. It was such a traumatic experience and I just don't see how offering a bottle is supposedly so much worse than what we (& sooo many others) go through post partum with their feeding Journeys.
Holy shit, that's awful.
.. So many stories of amazing midwives cutting through the bullshit, eh.
Imagine how much more amazing midwives would be if they were allowed to talk about formula feeding and safe co-sleeping! The directive is coming from the top and there needs to be a change so that every parenting journey is supported. This would actually ensure safe formula feeding/co-sleeping is taught. To be educated is always the best solution.
O I had the same experience - word for word with the jaundice, the screaming starving baby, me in hysterics no idea what is happening and trying to recover from c section. I literally looked at my husband and said I want to run away. Then finally (after 3 days) I cracked and said I want formula I don't care, please I just want to sleep and him to stop screaming. And I remember in the pitch black a nurse bringing me some formula and a piece of paper that I had to sign to say I understand the dangers of me feeding him formula. That was the straw that broke the camel's back to be honest. I still can't believe it all and it was seven years ago. Seared into my brain. :(
The antenatal class I did in 2017 was a waste of time. They focused so much on the birth and having our "rights" respected. It all went out the window when I was induced (not wanted) and ended up in an emergency C-section 38 hours later.
The classes were over 8 weeks I think and there was one 2 hour session on a Saturday that covered "how to change a nappy", and they played a sound file of a baby crying then passed around a doll and said "now you have to get them to stop crying". WTF. And the doll didn't stop crying so it was a waste of time.
I was really angry after my birth and I felt there was such a huge missed opportunity with the antenatal classes. Teach us something useful about parenting a newborn, not about how you should take lip balm into hospital for the birth because your lips might get dry.
While they told us that a newborn poops 8 - 10 times a day, they didn't say that you need to try different nappies to avoid baby shitting through their clothes every time. Noone explained the differences between disposible vs cloth, benefits vs negatives of each, how to pull out the frill on a disposible so it caught poop, how different brands of disposables are different sizes.
How you can use a microwave to warm milk and you don't have to boil a bloody bottle. How to double sheet a cot with a mattress protector /sheet /mattress protector /sheet so you weren't having to make a cot at 2am (though sometimes you would need more than 2 changes in one night). How many changes of clothes for baby you would really need in hospital if you end up with a C-section (yes, we ran out).
I wish I still had the chat log from my bewildered and distressed fellow mums who were just shell-shocked post birth - I do remember one friend saying "oh my god, why did noone tell us it was like this?"
It makes me mad just thinking about it but I did consider setting up a "this is the real shit you need to know" classes but I was too freaking exhausted from parenting. There is no support post partum either so if you don't have a family that is super supportive you are on your own.
Honestly this is so useful and heaps of it I didn’t know and I’ve been a parent for a decade! I think as well this is why we need the village right? And the ability to share without shame or judgement to support new parents...
If we can ressurect the village that would be wonderful. I feel like capitalism has killed it completely - when it takes two incomes to sustain even a basic living for a couple, let alone with kids, then the at home support you need to sustain a village becomes really difficult.
I hear ya, we needed a course with some old school wisdom and survival techniques to help to get through the first few months with a little less hardship. Many of us didn’t have the wisdom of mums/aunties/sisters/friends to guide us through the tricks and nuances of caring for baby and keeping ourselves alive. This is the information we need for future mammas.
I wish I’d had given up breastfeeding after a few months.. it made me exhausted, damaged my back, I gained heaps of weight and I often felt totally overwhelmed and miserable. If that helps anyone, I’m glad.
This is exactly what we need. I didn't have any family around who came to stay or even visit after the baby (other than the obligatory cup of tea and newborn cuddles).
I struggled with breast feeding from day one and hated it. I gave up and went fully formula at 3 months and still remember balling my eyes out at his last feed because I felt like such a failure.
I didn't even know that you should be pumping to start your milk flow, especially if you are induced. It took 4 days for my milk to even start to come in and about that long for someone in the hospital to mention there was a pump I should be using.
I also recall a nurse telling me that formula would sit in my babies stomach like a brick. This was 2017.
Sorry to whinge but the post natal experience for me was bloody awful and I have often thought about what we can do to help other parents avoid my experience, but I'm not qualified to go out and start parenting courses.
Ooof this hurts my heart. I had such a terrible time at antenatal class - our baby was born early, spent time in NICU, and HAD to be formula fed cuz my milk never came in. and there’s just no talk of what to do when it all falls apart. Now my experience was shitty in comparison to most, and I don’t think anyone can prepare you for walking to NICU from your own hospital bed to their incubator to feed them at 3am.
I know my story isn’t most peoples. But just having an antenatal educator say “things will go wrong, it doesn’t mean you’re doing a bad job” would have made such a difference to how I experienced the whole thing.
Yes. So so true. I wish the focus hadn’t been so much on a “healthy” baby with no disabilities...there’s such an emphasis on the perfect birth and the perfect postpartum period and it is very isolating if your experience isn’t anything like that. I don’t think they need to cover every angle, they do need to talk about how we can show up with empathy for ourselves ❤️ even when that’s the hardest thing to do.
Such a great article Emily! My antenatal class was such a waste of time and the lack of info added to me developing postpartum anxiety and PTSD. Over six weeks, five were dedicated to the birth - but only vaginal births. Week six was a very quick rushed session on nappies, breastfeeding, sleep etc. Luckily I had done a separate day course on breastfeeding with Liora Noy, otherwise I would have had even less of a clue of what to do. The antenatal class didn't cover how to safely make up a bottle, or talk about realistic sleep expectations or how to co-sleep safely if needed.
They didn't cover c-sections at all. So when I had to have an emergency c-section I had no idea what to expect, which added to how scary it felt. One woman was due to have an elective c-section so left the class as it wasn't useful for her at all.
We did a tour of the hospital and when someone asked what SCBU was, she said oh you don't need to know about that- only premature babies go there. But my full-term baby did end up there, and it again was very scary because I didn't know what it was or what to expect. Luckily SCBU did an awesome session for SCBU parents, which gave valuable information for us.
❤️❤️❤️ thanks for sharing. I’m so sorry you had such a bad experience. Liora Noy is a saint isn’t she? I love her.
Thank yo Melanie! I now run also CBE classes for Parent Centre South and I am as honest as can be about the challenges of 4th trimester, I do talk about safe bed sharing, and only 1/3 of my class is about the birth, 2/3 is about after...
I agrees the guidelines need to be revised. Before having my daughter (now 6), I had no idea that formula feeding was a choice. I did an antenatal class (I thought it was great!) but I didn't know that too much or too little breast milk was a thing. It wasn't until I was in it, unable to feed my baby enough from my breast that I learned about it, and also heard from others who were formula fed themselves or formula fed their little ones (multi generational too!). I always assumed I'd be able to breastfeed, but the reality was a very challenging time, with a lot of tears and frustration. In comparison, my best friend is Scottish and she told me that in Scotland breastfeeding is very rare. She had no qualms about bottle feeding - said she'd give the breast a go but wouldn't get hung up on it. So different to my experience and I wish I'd been forewarned so I knew about various outcomes.
Fuck, it can be so hard. Years on I'm still traumatised by the early months of parenting. I took all the support I could get and we were both healthy but inside I was a mess. Breastfeeding did get better for me but the physical pain and mental anguish early on...
The Antenatal and Parenting Education space has been a mixed bag for some years. The medicalisation of parenting and funding based on health messages and outcomes has skewed it and left parents shortchanged.
10 years ago I lead the rewrite of Plunket’s parenting programme. As a non clinical person in a clinical organisation it was initially a challenge to get some changes through. One of those was the idea that you couldn’t discuss bottle feeding. The WHO code is often trotted out as being the reason. And yet the bottom line of the code is about parents having information to feed their baby safely and nutritionally. Knowing about bottle feeding is not only about breast milk alternatives. To close the conversation down is missing lots of opportunities to discuss relationship, safe use of bottles, how to mimic breast feeding etc. As we liked to say feeding is much more than food! And it is about respecting parents agency.
Safe sleep was also something we encouraged facilitators to talk about. How to make every sleep a safe sleep whether in your bed or not!
Sadly in some parts of the country the programme was not delivered in the way it was written due to interference by some staff who neither understood adult learning and facilitation or understood parenting.
Communicating health messages be it antenatal or after baby is born needs conversation. Parents are not empty vessels to be filled with information.
DHB funding for Antenatal comes with the need to provide certain messages. This needn’t negate providing information that parents need and allowing parents to make the choices that are right for them and their situation.
While a review of how both antenatal and parenting programmes is needed, the problem with guidelines is it requires the people delivering them to work within those guidelines and standards. That will always be a challenge. Especially when funding is involved.
Trying to fit birth education and parenting into a small window will inevitably leave parents shortchanged. Sadly.
I’m thankful for the antenatal classes from Parents Centre and the couple of honest birth classes at the hospital I got 35years ago. Parenting was learned through the relationships developed in groups I joined. Forever thankful for those groups and friends made.
Beautifully said. Thank you for your work in this space and for sharing that with us ❤️
Great article! So many feelings! I did the parent center antenatal class and a DHB breastfeeding class that was basically ‘breastfeeding is great, everyone can do it, now watch this WHO promotional video’. They actually said it was extremely rare to have supply issues. Of course we were completely unprepared when our daughter didn’t gain weight and needed formula. We had no education about formula types, bottles etc. I think there should be formula consultants just like lactation consultants. I get so angry looking back on all of this! Becoming a parent is such a hard transition already, and the lack of education (and actual lies) just add to the anguish. I combo fed for six months and it was so much work, but I felt she needed to have breastmilk. She would have been, and is, totally fine and healthy on just formula. The book Cribsheet by Emily Oster is outstanding and I think all expectant parents should read it.
This is so similar to my story. Arohanui Mama. I gave breastfeeding everything (also combo fed) for 6 months and it still didn’t work out. I was so so cross that the DHB rams breastfeeding down your throat when you’re pregnant and if you have problems after the baby arrives there’s basically no support. I did a Parents Centre ante natal course with 14 other women. We were all 100% committed to breastfeeding but every one of us did some form of bottle feeding, be it formula or expressed. Thank you for sharing your stories, the more we talk about this the better.
So good to hear similar stories! Thank you ❤️I wish someone would just ease the burden and say that it doesn’t really matter. I took domperidone to increase my supply and it had a terrible impact on my mental health. Midwife, dr, consultant all recommended it. Breastmilk should not be more important than the wellbeing of a new parent.
I felt the same way, even though at my peak my output was 5ml (!!!) of breastmilk per day (my newborn needed 30ml every 3 hours so do the math...!), I still felt that I needed to put baby on the boob for half an hour, then give him formula, then hand express for 1/2 hour afterwards, just because I was told that even the smallest amount of breastmilk was better than none. I kept this up for 6 months b4 bubs refused the boob. WTF was I thinking? Exclusively formula feed is totally fine and I'm pretty certain the minute quantities my son was extracting from me didn't make any difference except to contribute to my sleep deprivation.
Yes!!! Every feed was such a mission. Trying to keep formula warm while breastfeeding, then pumping while holding a baby. My daughter eventually refused the boob at about 6 months too. I also look back and think WTF was I thinking. Was so determined at the time though.
We should be told that feeding your baby is enough. Just keeping them alive is an achievement in itself in that newborn haze, let alone all the pressure put on us to BF at ALL costs. I was so much more rested and happier when I finally went 100% formula. Formula feeding also isn't the easy way out, so much more equipment to keep sterile, issues with preparing feeds when out of the house, and more expensive too. Both are hard options whichever route you take, but a fed baby is best for everyone!
At different times as a volunteer, I facilitated an under 1's Playgroup. I often said "The organisation says this, but this is my experience" as a way to stop these new parents from feeling so adrift. It was the best I could do in the situation. I also know locally that there has always been talk questioning why even bottle feeding itself isn't talked about, as babies who are exclusively feed chest milk may also be offered pumped chest milk in a bottle.
The freak out over formula and bottles is intense. I bottle fed pumped breat milk as a top up and later did 50/50 breast and formula. So hard to get good info without judgement. Also couldn't understand why formula always came in stonking great tins like you only ever completely replace breastmilk?
Ugh this! This is why I’m so excited to start my new business - it’s called The Early Days NZ. It’s about post-partum education - not antenatal but there are similar issues in this space. There are soooooo many unregulated ‘post partum educators’ out there with NO clinical experience or deeper understanding of the complex biological, cultural, psychosocial and socio economical factors that can influence a families post partum experience. I would love everyone’s feedback if you have a chance to check out my Instagram (if you scroll to the beginning of my grid there is an intro post as to who I am and why I’m doing it).
But essentially I’m a nurse with relevant clinical experience, and I’m also a solo mum to a 15 month old, and I suffered badly with PPD. I’m designing a holistic and evidence based post partum education workshop which I’m hoping to deliver in person and online, to paying customers and to non-paying customers referred to me through healthcare providers or cultural organisations.
The goal is to arm new parents with the tools and knowledge that they need to navigate post partum - and my doing so hopefully improve outcomes for babies, and lesson incidences of PPD in our country. Lofty goals but I do believe they’re achievable, and I’m working my butt off to get this off the ground by the end of the year.
Love your work Abigail.
Thanks Emily! I want it to be a really inclusive space, so if you have a chance to have a look and can give me any constructive criticism from that lens, I’d really appreciate it. Hope you’re feeling a little bit better tonight too x
This is so cool! If you haven't already seen the work by Holli McEntergart at Inhabit Postpartum you should check her out. She is also really passionate about the postpartum space. Could be a great opportunity for collaboration somewhere there.
I just discovered Holli’s mahi in the last few days, isn’t she wonderful? That is a fabulous idea x
Oh yay! Yea I used her as my post partum doula (which I wish was provided to everyone like midwives in NZ not just for the privileged). She was amazing and supported us with our first bub thru lockdowns.
I hated the laser focus on breastfeeding in our antenatal classes; when I went back the next year as a helper, I 100% talked about formula at the one class we (the volunteers) led (in the absence of the official facilitator).
Good on you ❤️
Not to mention how inevitable it is that tired parents will fall asleep full stop. Falling asleep on the couch is way more dangerous than in a bed, as is falling asleep at the wheel (happened to my cousin). I exclusively co-slept with my 3rd for years because it meant I never had to leave bed, never fully woke up (and I also have an awesome partner who deals with sleep deprivation much better than I do so took over on the nights that co-sleeping wasn’t enough)
I’ve written about this before. I am convinced that the advice suggesting there’s no safe way to co-sleep puts babies at risk. I recently had a very aggressive doctor messaging me and others trying to get my articles about co-sleeping taken down. It’s a hysterical reaction that puts lives at risk. https://thespinoff.co.nz/parenting/07-08-2017/emily-writes-is-the-advice-on-co-sleeping-actually-realistic
I was lucky in the respect that the Plunket facilitator that took a few of our antenatal sessions did talk about formula and told us candidly that her three children were formula fed. She absolutely knew this was a taboo topic, but I bet her sharing her experience meant a hell of a lot to the families who went on to formula feed after their babies were born. She said, "when you look across the playground, can anyone tell which children were breastfed and which were bottle fed?" And she was so right.
The midwife who taught us about giving birth clearly had a lot of opinions she wanted to share but couldn't. She was very anti pain relief in labour, I remember that well. She talked a lot about her own home births. I think she conveyed a lot of judgement towards people who wanted or needed hospital births, and who wanted pain relief. It annoys me when I think of it now...
I don't know if regulation is the answer or not, but the standard curriculum could for sure be updated. Midwives know the realities of those early weeks and months of parenting. They know that babies want to be held in the night. They know that some people allow other people to breastfeed their babies for them and that is totally an option. I'm sure they wish they could talk about that stuff more, and maybe take a more understanding approach.
This is a great article, thank you. I went to antenatal classes in my first pregnancy, our facilitator did a good job of covering off some aspects of early parenting life, like cluster feeding and how often newborns wake at night. It would have been really helpful to have learnt about safe co-sleeping though because my daughter was one of those babies who woke up every 2 hours for a feed for months. There were many nights where I fell asleep in the armchair while feeding her. I ended up co-sleeping/feeding with her when I went back to work because it was the only way I could function. And we got taught some scaremongering about epidurals, which was unfortunate because I needed one during labour and would have liked to have been better informed about that!
Great article, thanks Emily!
I am a first time mum to an 8 week old baby. I left the hospital where I gave birth not knowing what breastfeeding was meant to feel like and ended up spending 8 nights in a neonatal ward because my daughter wasn't feeding properly and had lost a bunch of weight. Although we discussed breastfeeding in my antenatal class I was totally unprepared for how hard it was. If a lactation consultant had been able to visit me soon after birth to check my latch, and keep visiting me on a regular basis for a few weeks after, I think I would have had a much more positive experience.
Re co-sleeping, I have started following Dr Heather Johnston (cradlednz) on Instagram. She provides some great info on how to co-sleep safely.
Yes! She is great. Such an important service. We need her info in every antenatal group. I’m so sorry you had such a hard time ❤️
I agree! It's okay - we got the help we needed and now my daughter feeds like an absolute champ 🥰
Oh gosh Meghan that sucks so much that you had to go through that - I feel so strongly that if you’d been given access to the information that you needed on feeding your newborn you might have avoided that really challenging experience. I’m sorry that the system let you down - but so glad to hear that your baby is feeding well now - well done you!
Thanks Abigail! I agree - I think lactation consultants need to be more readily available to all mums!
She is a treasure with all her amazing posts!
Yes yes yes, this piece is amazing Emily! Our antenatal classes (bless the educator though, she was lovely) spent a whole session on how to get the right bath temperature and it goes without saying, nothing about formula, bottle feeding, or even anything about sleeping, let alone safe cosleeping. When we ended up formula feeding our first baby, we had literally no idea about how to sterilise bottles, prepare one, anything of the sort. Our midwife came over and taught us, and for that we are so grateful. Although the classes did help us understand birth better and meet other parents who were a great support system, it was definitely lacking in what the reality of caring for a baby would be like, for us anyway.