55 Comments
Jun 1, 2022Liked by Emily Writes

Many decades ago my friend and I, who were both single parents, facilitated a couple of ante-natal courses for couples in a middle class area. They were first time parents and I noticed that most people were mainly concerned about the birth which was the big thing ahead of them. We talked about how babies don't sleep much and you do what feels right for you, and that breastfeeding can hurt incredibly for several weeks, abdominal pains, as well as exhaustion, looking after yourself, and a lot of other stuff. The main benefit of ante-natal classes is that you have a ready made support group post birth, and sometimes those relationships last for years. We met up with the parents for a few months and we often heard 'why didn't you tell us about x'. We had. I think it is better to have specific groups for new parents separate from ante-natal classes. There used to be a 10 week New Mothers Support Group course, with child care provided, facilitated by other parents, which covered a lot of the practical and change of identity stuff. Something like that could be updated for today's new parents.

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Jun 1, 2022Liked by Emily Writes

The problem is at the top with the Ministry of Health who demonize Breastfeeding. My baby starved for the first 3.5 days because I had a breast condition that meant I lacked sufficient glands to produce milk. Despite everyone on the maternity ward recognizing this (& failing to tell us this was a problem) it wasn't until the 3.5 day mark when my baby stopped his 24/7 crying (was starving, he got jaundice and lost 15% of his body weight in 3 days, was almost admitted to pediatrics ward) that a lovely midwife finally came in and said 'this is ridiculous, your baby is severely dehydrated, no one is telling you your boobs don't work and we need to give this baby a bottle'. How is starving a baby better than just giving a baby some food?! Mental. It was such a traumatic experience and I just don't see how offering a bottle is supposedly so much worse than what we (& sooo many others) go through post partum with their feeding Journeys.

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Jun 1, 2022Liked by Emily Writes

The antenatal class I did in 2017 was a waste of time. They focused so much on the birth and having our "rights" respected. It all went out the window when I was induced (not wanted) and ended up in an emergency C-section 38 hours later.

The classes were over 8 weeks I think and there was one 2 hour session on a Saturday that covered "how to change a nappy", and they played a sound file of a baby crying then passed around a doll and said "now you have to get them to stop crying". WTF. And the doll didn't stop crying so it was a waste of time.

I was really angry after my birth and I felt there was such a huge missed opportunity with the antenatal classes. Teach us something useful about parenting a newborn, not about how you should take lip balm into hospital for the birth because your lips might get dry.

While they told us that a newborn poops 8 - 10 times a day, they didn't say that you need to try different nappies to avoid baby shitting through their clothes every time. Noone explained the differences between disposible vs cloth, benefits vs negatives of each, how to pull out the frill on a disposible so it caught poop, how different brands of disposables are different sizes.

How you can use a microwave to warm milk and you don't have to boil a bloody bottle. How to double sheet a cot with a mattress protector /sheet /mattress protector /sheet so you weren't having to make a cot at 2am (though sometimes you would need more than 2 changes in one night). How many changes of clothes for baby you would really need in hospital if you end up with a C-section (yes, we ran out).

I wish I still had the chat log from my bewildered and distressed fellow mums who were just shell-shocked post birth - I do remember one friend saying "oh my god, why did noone tell us it was like this?"

It makes me mad just thinking about it but I did consider setting up a "this is the real shit you need to know" classes but I was too freaking exhausted from parenting. There is no support post partum either so if you don't have a family that is super supportive you are on your own.

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Jun 1, 2022Liked by Emily Writes

Ooof this hurts my heart. I had such a terrible time at antenatal class - our baby was born early, spent time in NICU, and HAD to be formula fed cuz my milk never came in. and there’s just no talk of what to do when it all falls apart. Now my experience was shitty in comparison to most, and I don’t think anyone can prepare you for walking to NICU from your own hospital bed to their incubator to feed them at 3am.

I know my story isn’t most peoples. But just having an antenatal educator say “things will go wrong, it doesn’t mean you’re doing a bad job” would have made such a difference to how I experienced the whole thing.

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Jun 1, 2022Liked by Emily Writes

Such a great article Emily! My antenatal class was such a waste of time and the lack of info added to me developing postpartum anxiety and PTSD. Over six weeks, five were dedicated to the birth - but only vaginal births. Week six was a very quick rushed session on nappies, breastfeeding, sleep etc. Luckily I had done a separate day course on breastfeeding with Liora Noy, otherwise I would have had even less of a clue of what to do. The antenatal class didn't cover how to safely make up a bottle, or talk about realistic sleep expectations or how to co-sleep safely if needed.

They didn't cover c-sections at all. So when I had to have an emergency c-section I had no idea what to expect, which added to how scary it felt. One woman was due to have an elective c-section so left the class as it wasn't useful for her at all.

We did a tour of the hospital and when someone asked what SCBU was, she said oh you don't need to know about that- only premature babies go there. But my full-term baby did end up there, and it again was very scary because I didn't know what it was or what to expect. Luckily SCBU did an awesome session for SCBU parents, which gave valuable information for us.

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Jun 1, 2022·edited Jun 1, 2022Liked by Emily Writes

I agrees the guidelines need to be revised. Before having my daughter (now 6), I had no idea that formula feeding was a choice. I did an antenatal class (I thought it was great!) but I didn't know that too much or too little breast milk was a thing. It wasn't until I was in it, unable to feed my baby enough from my breast that I learned about it, and also heard from others who were formula fed themselves or formula fed their little ones (multi generational too!). I always assumed I'd be able to breastfeed, but the reality was a very challenging time, with a lot of tears and frustration. In comparison, my best friend is Scottish and she told me that in Scotland breastfeeding is very rare. She had no qualms about bottle feeding - said she'd give the breast a go but wouldn't get hung up on it. So different to my experience and I wish I'd been forewarned so I knew about various outcomes.

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Jun 1, 2022Liked by Emily Writes

The Antenatal and Parenting Education space has been a mixed bag for some years. The medicalisation of parenting and funding based on health messages and outcomes has skewed it and left parents shortchanged.

10 years ago I lead the rewrite of Plunket’s parenting programme. As a non clinical person in a clinical organisation it was initially a challenge to get some changes through. One of those was the idea that you couldn’t discuss bottle feeding. The WHO code is often trotted out as being the reason. And yet the bottom line of the code is about parents having information to feed their baby safely and nutritionally. Knowing about bottle feeding is not only about breast milk alternatives. To close the conversation down is missing lots of opportunities to discuss relationship, safe use of bottles, how to mimic breast feeding etc. As we liked to say feeding is much more than food! And it is about respecting parents agency.

Safe sleep was also something we encouraged facilitators to talk about. How to make every sleep a safe sleep whether in your bed or not!

Sadly in some parts of the country the programme was not delivered in the way it was written due to interference by some staff who neither understood adult learning and facilitation or understood parenting.

Communicating health messages be it antenatal or after baby is born needs conversation. Parents are not empty vessels to be filled with information.

DHB funding for Antenatal comes with the need to provide certain messages. This needn’t negate providing information that parents need and allowing parents to make the choices that are right for them and their situation.

While a review of how both antenatal and parenting programmes is needed, the problem with guidelines is it requires the people delivering them to work within those guidelines and standards. That will always be a challenge. Especially when funding is involved.

Trying to fit birth education and parenting into a small window will inevitably leave parents shortchanged. Sadly.

I’m thankful for the antenatal classes from Parents Centre and the couple of honest birth classes at the hospital I got 35years ago. Parenting was learned through the relationships developed in groups I joined. Forever thankful for those groups and friends made.

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Jun 1, 2022Liked by Emily Writes

Great article! So many feelings! I did the parent center antenatal class and a DHB breastfeeding class that was basically ‘breastfeeding is great, everyone can do it, now watch this WHO promotional video’. They actually said it was extremely rare to have supply issues. Of course we were completely unprepared when our daughter didn’t gain weight and needed formula. We had no education about formula types, bottles etc. I think there should be formula consultants just like lactation consultants. I get so angry looking back on all of this! Becoming a parent is such a hard transition already, and the lack of education (and actual lies) just add to the anguish. I combo fed for six months and it was so much work, but I felt she needed to have breastmilk. She would have been, and is, totally fine and healthy on just formula. The book Cribsheet by Emily Oster is outstanding and I think all expectant parents should read it.

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Jun 1, 2022Liked by Emily Writes

At different times as a volunteer, I facilitated an under 1's Playgroup. I often said "The organisation says this, but this is my experience" as a way to stop these new parents from feeling so adrift. It was the best I could do in the situation. I also know locally that there has always been talk questioning why even bottle feeding itself isn't talked about, as babies who are exclusively feed chest milk may also be offered pumped chest milk in a bottle.

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Jun 1, 2022Liked by Emily Writes

Ugh this! This is why I’m so excited to start my new business - it’s called The Early Days NZ. It’s about post-partum education - not antenatal but there are similar issues in this space. There are soooooo many unregulated ‘post partum educators’ out there with NO clinical experience or deeper understanding of the complex biological, cultural, psychosocial and socio economical factors that can influence a families post partum experience. I would love everyone’s feedback if you have a chance to check out my Instagram (if you scroll to the beginning of my grid there is an intro post as to who I am and why I’m doing it).

But essentially I’m a nurse with relevant clinical experience, and I’m also a solo mum to a 15 month old, and I suffered badly with PPD. I’m designing a holistic and evidence based post partum education workshop which I’m hoping to deliver in person and online, to paying customers and to non-paying customers referred to me through healthcare providers or cultural organisations.

The goal is to arm new parents with the tools and knowledge that they need to navigate post partum - and my doing so hopefully improve outcomes for babies, and lesson incidences of PPD in our country. Lofty goals but I do believe they’re achievable, and I’m working my butt off to get this off the ground by the end of the year.

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Jun 1, 2022Liked by Emily Writes

I hated the laser focus on breastfeeding in our antenatal classes; when I went back the next year as a helper, I 100% talked about formula at the one class we (the volunteers) led (in the absence of the official facilitator).

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Jun 1, 2022Liked by Emily Writes

Not to mention how inevitable it is that tired parents will fall asleep full stop. Falling asleep on the couch is way more dangerous than in a bed, as is falling asleep at the wheel (happened to my cousin). I exclusively co-slept with my 3rd for years because it meant I never had to leave bed, never fully woke up (and I also have an awesome partner who deals with sleep deprivation much better than I do so took over on the nights that co-sleeping wasn’t enough)

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Jun 1, 2022·edited Jun 1, 2022Liked by Emily Writes

I was lucky in the respect that the Plunket facilitator that took a few of our antenatal sessions did talk about formula and told us candidly that her three children were formula fed. She absolutely knew this was a taboo topic, but I bet her sharing her experience meant a hell of a lot to the families who went on to formula feed after their babies were born. She said, "when you look across the playground, can anyone tell which children were breastfed and which were bottle fed?" And she was so right.

The midwife who taught us about giving birth clearly had a lot of opinions she wanted to share but couldn't. She was very anti pain relief in labour, I remember that well. She talked a lot about her own home births. I think she conveyed a lot of judgement towards people who wanted or needed hospital births, and who wanted pain relief. It annoys me when I think of it now...

I don't know if regulation is the answer or not, but the standard curriculum could for sure be updated. Midwives know the realities of those early weeks and months of parenting. They know that babies want to be held in the night. They know that some people allow other people to breastfeed their babies for them and that is totally an option. I'm sure they wish they could talk about that stuff more, and maybe take a more understanding approach.

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Jun 1, 2022Liked by Emily Writes

This is a great article, thank you. I went to antenatal classes in my first pregnancy, our facilitator did a good job of covering off some aspects of early parenting life, like cluster feeding and how often newborns wake at night. It would have been really helpful to have learnt about safe co-sleeping though because my daughter was one of those babies who woke up every 2 hours for a feed for months. There were many nights where I fell asleep in the armchair while feeding her. I ended up co-sleeping/feeding with her when I went back to work because it was the only way I could function. And we got taught some scaremongering about epidurals, which was unfortunate because I needed one during labour and would have liked to have been better informed about that!

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Jun 1, 2022Liked by Emily Writes

Great article, thanks Emily!

I am a first time mum to an 8 week old baby. I left the hospital where I gave birth not knowing what breastfeeding was meant to feel like and ended up spending 8 nights in a neonatal ward because my daughter wasn't feeding properly and had lost a bunch of weight. Although we discussed breastfeeding in my antenatal class I was totally unprepared for how hard it was. If a lactation consultant had been able to visit me soon after birth to check my latch, and keep visiting me on a regular basis for a few weeks after, I think I would have had a much more positive experience.

Re co-sleeping, I have started following Dr Heather Johnston (cradlednz) on Instagram. She provides some great info on how to co-sleep safely.

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Jun 1, 2022Liked by Emily Writes

Yes yes yes, this piece is amazing Emily! Our antenatal classes (bless the educator though, she was lovely) spent a whole session on how to get the right bath temperature and it goes without saying, nothing about formula, bottle feeding, or even anything about sleeping, let alone safe cosleeping. When we ended up formula feeding our first baby, we had literally no idea about how to sterilise bottles, prepare one, anything of the sort. Our midwife came over and taught us, and for that we are so grateful. Although the classes did help us understand birth better and meet other parents who were a great support system, it was definitely lacking in what the reality of caring for a baby would be like, for us anyway.

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