Does parenting get easier?

Are the You'll See-ers wrong?

In a few weeks my baby turns nine. This is quite unfathomable to me as he’s still a baby in my eyes. He is most certainly not a baby though. And that got me thinking about all of the ‘you’ll see, it gets harder!” comments I got when he was little. Racing after two small kids, I was routinely told it does NOT get easier. Back then, I called bullshit. But was it bullshit?

My two boys are close in age. When they were small they were the usual combination of whirlwind energy and frenetic sleep-deprived double-nightmare slash joy that all kids are.

Yes we had chronic health problems, hospitalisations, some unusual ways of processing the world and an absurd lack of sleep, but in many ways they were (and are) just like all kids.

They were not the kids I imagined they would be, and that's on me, not them. They're far, far better humans than I could have imagined - I was just very silly and imagined children as mainly just Very Cute and That Was It. I hadn’t factored in that kids are little human beings who get tired and too excited and overwhelmed and all of that fun stuff. I used to say some REALLY DUMB SHIT before I had kids.

Dumb shit included (but was not limited to):

• "We plan to take our kids everywhere because that's how you get them to just go with the flow"

• "They need to fit around us, not the other way around"

• "They just need you to be calm and then they'll be calm"

• "I'm not going to be one of those parents whose life is ruled by her child's routine"

• "They won't be like those other kids because I will set boundaries"

Why was I so insufferable? Why? Who knows. Maybe I'm just a douchebag.

Having children has been a thoroughly humbling experience because I have learned that my assumptions were wrong and silly.

#CherishEveryMoment

The reality is that my children, at all ages, have been thoroughly and beautifully human - they were (and are) often cranky as shit and totally hyperactive. When they were little they were barely able to concentrate long enough to hear me say FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T TOUCH THAT. Now I spend a significant portion of time saying: “HELLO?! Is anyone listening to me? It’s your mother? HELLO?” as they stare off into the distance, steadfastly ignoring me as I beg them to please put shoes on so we can leave the fucking house. Some things have changed, some things have stayed the same.

They weren’t, and aren’t, behaving in any way that is designed to upset me or anyone else. And that single understanding has helped me a great deal.

Is life easier now that they’re older? Undoubtedly. For me, it’s remarkably different, astonishingly different. So, so much easier - even with even more health problems.

When they were little, so many attempts at socialising were Too Much and there was Great Regret. Now, they’ve grown and can handle things they couldn’t before but more importantly, I’ve grown. I know so much more about neurodivergency now that I am no longer setting up my little one for an awful time.

Generally, going out with a two year old and four year old involved one brother whacking the other brother for God knows what, then the other brother whacking him back and then both screaming at each other like two wet cats while two perfectly behaved angel (older) children looked on in horror.

Mostly, it was me saying: ‘I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry’ as my kids screamed and threw things at each other. I felt constantly inadequate as I watched other children drawing in colouring books as my child drew on his arms, his feet, the floor, the chair, the desk and my hand as I tried to wrestle the pen from him. I feel like I spent so much of that time just trying to stop my kid eating a glue stick.

I would try to have a conversation while always trying to stop my children from CLIMBING ON THE TABLE I MEAN WHAT ON EARTH. They know they're not allowed to climb on the table. Why would they? They would never do that at home?!?

"I don't know why they're being like this", I would constantly hiss as if their default wasn’t licking the part of the escalator that everyone touches or running onto the road as often as possible.

I was constantly exhausted from trying to make food they’d eat which they always said was horrible and wouldn’t eat, BECAUSE WHY WOULD THEY EAT DELICIOUS FOOD WHEN THEY CAN JUST SAY MUM MUM MUM MUM MUM MUM MUM MUM MUM I'M HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNGGRRRRRYYYY over and over and over and over again.

Delicious.

I mean, there are so many happy memories in amongst trying to stop my child from braining himself on the concrete constantly. Don’t get me wrong, there was so much joy.

But you know, I went for a swim yesterday as my youngest played with a little baby. He was so attentive and adorable. And he was just gazing at this baby like - “You are perfect”.

Do you know, when my youngest was like two, he bit a baby on the foot on the bus???

He was like: "I wonder if I squeeze this baby's foot really hard will it make a loud noise" or I dunno: "What would this tiny baby hand taste like if I just bit it like a little bit".

Do you know how stressful it is to be a semi-known parenting figure whose child tried to eat a baby on the bus? Probably as stressful as being a new parent and having some kid BITE YOUR BABY OUT OF NOWHERE.

I mean, that point alone should be enough that I can slam my gavel and say “I rest my case” or whatever lawyers do.

I mean, your honour, my eldest once climbed into someone else’s car while I was chasing my youngest. Willingly. Like they did not want to kidnap him. He was just like 'hmmm what should I do now that all of my needs in the world have been met?' l'll just orchestrate my own kidnapping.'

I turned from him for three seconds. Honestly. I swear. And he just adopted another family.

Do you know what that same child is doing now? He went for a walk with the dog because he was bored. He said “I’m bored, I’m going to go for a walk”.

Do you know what my youngest is doing now?

I don’t know. He is probably researching how deep Lake Tanganyika is or preparing a powerpoint on the population demographics of Baku, which thanks to him I now know is the capital and largest city of Azerbaijan

I. Rest. My. Case.

It wasn’t even my computer which would have been bad enough - we were VISITING! And this happened in ten quiet seconds. That’s all he needed. He even coloured in their Swiss ball!

It’s so much easier. Is it hard too? Of course. There’s more feelings than ever for a start (so many, many feelings) - but you grow as they grow. You gain confidence as parent, you find out more about how to help them thrive, you build your little village….You care less about what people think and you have more reliable sources for advice.

Do I still cry down the phone to family and friends? Sure. But I don’t cry in the shower anymore lol.

I promise, if you’re on two hours sleep right now and you’re thinking I CANNOT DO THIS - babe, you can. And also, (in my opinion) it gets so much easier.

I am also on only a few hours sleep because of diabetes and a sleepover that went south - and I can still say that. Truly, madly, deeply.

It gets so much easier. So hang in there, you’re not alone.

Also, babies are objectively delicious and snuggly and it’s lovely to cuddle them but also nobody talks about the beautiful and precious and astonishing intimacy of your nearly teen child who is taller than you casually placing their arm around your neck and kissing you on the forehead out of nowhere??? And then you want to cry but you don’t because you don’t want to weird them out but also they look like both a child and a young adult all at once and it literally takes your breath away because you love them so much? YEAH THAT?