I am in the throes of newborn challenges with my second child and it’s harder this time?! Even though I know more? Or maybe I know less...the sleep deprivation isn’t any easier that’s for sure! Thank you for this this timely and reassuring article Emily, especially as a 2.5 year old screams at me as I read it 😅
Honestly one to two was so hard!! I remember absolutely despairing thinking - what have I done?! Another mum said "this isnt hard imagine having twins" and I went on the multiples website looking for a place to donate 😂😂 arohanui x you're doing great!
Ugh the sleep deprivation. You know more about some things, but then you're flummoxed when the second one does things differently! And you've never parented a toddler before, so you're still doing something new, at the same time as having a newborn! It's bloody hard. Your best is good enough 👍
I feel like the kind of hard mainly changes. Of course some parts are harder than others, but it’s often in completely different ways. For me, with all three of my children, I loved the newborn stage. I was sleep deprived but feeding, cuddling, and changing even with bouts of reflux was easier for me than playing. I’ve always found the play part very very hard, like I don’t know how to do it?! I spent a lot of years beating myself up for it too. I’m less hard on myself these days. They’re 7, 12, and 13. My eldest starts high school soon and recently got his first phone as a primary graduation present, he was the last of his friends to get one and I was dreading it and held off as long as possible. But I’ve found it’s actually been a cool new way for us to bond and communicate with each other, which has been a nice wee surprise. I’m fearful of what the teenage years will bring, mine were very tumultuous, but for the most part, these last couple of years have been easier than those toddler to early school years, and man am I grateful that beach trips are so much more enjoyable without trying to navigate naps, changes, feeds, and sand eating 😂 a lot of therapy and the right meds has helped too!
Beach trips are so amazing now! Even with having to cart a diabetes bag everywhere and having to handle insulin pump stuff I still find it sooo much easier! And being able to actually get input from them on what they want to do instead of constantly trying to set up activities they ended up not liking! I am worried too about the teenage years but will cross that bridge when I get to it haha
Emily, my eldest just turned 45 and in my experience, sometimes it gets easier and sometimes it gets harder, but it never ends. He proudly shared with me that he is now 16 months sober and clean (not for the first time) and from my perspective, the hardest thing in motherhood is when you have to stand by and watch your beautiful babies wreck their lives, because sometimes, that's what adults do. So, hang onto all those precious memories because they may come in handy some day when you need to remember just how much you love your kids.
My 17 yo has fallen in love with someone ~ they even had a wedding. My partner and I have watched our beautiful empathic adventurous creative child turn into a husk of themselves through the relationship over only a couple of weeks.
The tension of knowing when to intervene and when to stand alongside is hard.
Holding the line to maintain a strong bond and not drive them away.
Arohanui Katie. Really relate to this watching dear friends in abusive relationships I cannot imagine what it’s like when it’s your child x sending you all the love.
I think that most parents want their children to hopefully avoid making the mistakes that we made and the realisation that our children have to find their own path (that may involve some awful things) is not easy for us to navigate. I hope your teen finds their way out and learns that true love makes you more yourself, rather than subtracting what makes you, you.
Thank you so much for this, Emily. I really think it will help some people.
I was in the depths of postnatal depression with my first newborn when I asked a friend with older children, "At least it gets easier, right?" She stared straight at my tear-streaked face and said, "No, it really doesn't". That statement broke me even further and stuck with me for a long time. But she couldn't have been more wrong, thank goodness. I guess some people find the baby stage easy, but my colicky babies plus my postnatal mental health was a horrific combination.
This is what my sister in law said to me when i was struggling with a non-sleeping newborn "just wait, it gets harder", I've never forgotten it! Why people say this stuff, I'll never understand. And yes, it's still hard as they grow, but i agree with Emily, it's SO much easier now. Yesterday i had a nap on the couch while my 4 & 5 year old played together for an hour - mind blown!
My older child has left home, and the younger child is blooming in their absence. And oh my God it’s much easier to bond with a teenager than a newborn! I mean, he seems to be physically incapable of taking dishes from his room to the dishwasher and talks about computer games too much, but he tells me he’ll never get bored of native forests and gives me random cuddles and does his own laundry (sometimes without even being prompted) and has in-jokes with me. It’s not “easier” in other ways though, and the older one is still causing me to lose sleep, despite not living on the same motu...
I think they must have the capacity to make us lose sleep no matter what their age eh? Mind you now I lose sleep worrying about older family members so maybe what goes around comes around haha and honestly the dishes I get out of my eldest son's room 🤮 he finally cleaned his room the other day and was like "it's so nice in here". No shit dude 😂
A friend once asked me ‘do you parent like your parents?’ Hell no! That was a different time and affection and love weren’t vocalised. Don’t get me wrong we knew we were loved but any overt affection was definitely frowned upon. So of course I showered kisses and cuddles and I love yous on my kids. As my children approached teenage years that was tested! I can remember thinking ‘I’ve done everything wrong!’ But now they’re extraordinary awesome humans that I have an awesome relationship with. So trust yourself. You’re doing great!
It gets so much easier. I remember feeling like my face was falling off with exhaustion. Literally aching all over with sleep deprivation. Both of them crying at once while my heart rate went up and up. Finally getting one down for a nap just for the other to wake up. Being vomited on daily. Bra cups filled with vomit. Cleavage as a vomit funnel. A baby wipe to the face while doing a nappy change was my self-care "hack."
The gaps between them needing you subtly increase. You get to breathe more, expand more into the time you have to get things done. Mine are 11 months apart and will both be three for the next month, it's still full on but it's so fun and beautiful for the most part. My husband and I have found time again for ourselves and each other.
Yes!! Oh my gosh I remember running for the bus in a front pack with my eldest in a buggy and the baby just puking all down my front into my bra and I just had to sit in it 😂 you’re so right about the gaps to breathe!
A great self care hack. I think when they’re vomiting on you it is ssssso much harder because of all the extra work cleaning it all up. I used to take extra clothes for me in the nappy bag. But it was quite funny one time when it happened at the Plunket rooms and the other (blissfully ignorant) mothers looked so shocked and I was literally trying to keep it contained on me and not on the Plunket sofa and carpet. Best wishes!
Oh how I was also that person that said those things before I had children! I don't think we were douchebags, we just did not know!
I was absolutely lied to by everyone I knew who already had babies. They told me that newborns are so easy, it's the easiest stage, easy, easy easy. All they do is eat, sleep and poo apparently. Liars.
So yes, I have to agree, things get easier. There are new challenges always but like you said, we grow and gain confidence as our children do.
And wow that last paragraph in italics got me! Thanks for another great read Emily.
Omg Emily the PS bit (and in fact the whole article). But my big baby boy can look into my eyes without standing on tip toe or me bending over, and say love you mum. It unbearable and beautiful at once.
Thanks so much for this Emily, I've had a super challenging day with my 4 year old and 2 year old. They are constantly fighting at the moment. I laughed out loud at the mummm I'm hungry paragraph...as that's all I hear right now while I'm making snack number 894 🫠
I felt so seen and understood reading this, and less alone x
Yessss! Mother of a 2 and 4 year old here. The sibling fighting is incessant at the moment. I've wondered if it gets easier and been told that it doesn't, by well-meaning friends :( but I've always known, somewhere in the depths of my soul, that it will. The sleep deprivation is a killer and I've found the loss of identity (in changing relationships, what's important, what I have time for now) has been very difficult at times. But even with a 2 and 4 year old, I can see that it will change again... and hopefully soon!
I’ll never understand how people so gleefully say it gets harder. Maybe their kids sleep because that alone is enough for me 😂 like three hours broken sleep a night was the norm for me. My hair fell out! It’s so much better now 😂 and you’re so right on the loss of identity! I couldn’t even see a movie when the kids were wee!
I can’t imagine the challenges of dealing with two or more young kids at different ages and stages - that has always looked diabolical to me. But with twins, the early days were really fucking hard and I would scoff at people who told me that I should cherish every moment, but it would be harder when they got older (I also stopped spending time with people who said stupid shit like that). But now my kids are turning 11 next week, and I dunno... with the benefit of hindsight, I have realised that the toddler and preschooler stages were bloody hard, but the kids’ needs were quite basic: they needed to be fed, given naps and nice experiences, and kept safe - but any nice person could provide those things, which enabled us to pay for help as we worked and studied. But now, as they’re hitting the tween years and coping with their various ND traits and friendship dramas and gender and sexual identities, I’ve realised that this IS bloody hard on us as parents, because none of the support and help they need can be outsourced: they need us as their parents to guide them and help them. And given that I feel wholly under qualified 99% of the time, it’s daunting. Looking back, I’ve realised that ages 6 - 9 were particularly awesome, so my advice to any parents of younger kids is to really enjoy that stage. And if anybody has twins under the age of two, don’t feel bad about finding that stage really hard. It is REALLY hard, and crèche or daycare is your saviour.
Kindy was an absolute lifesaver! Could not have done it without them. I think because my kids needs were so not basic then it makes it all feel different now. I feel like I am so much better equipped at coping now than I was then - mainly because I just didn’t know anything back then about how to meet the needs of my youngest! It’s probably very individual too because health issues really kicked in back then and now I finally feel like I have a better grasp on everything. I think every stage is hard but some feel easier than others just depending on where you or your kid is at!
The stage my 6.5 year-old is going through right now is anything but particularly awesome. He is waiting for an ADHD assessment though so maybe I'll really enjoy that stage when he's medicated 🫠
Oh, I hope that gets sorted soon! And you’re right, things like that are an added challenge - our son was diagnosed as autistic just before he turned eight (we’re still trying to get an ADHD diagnosis, which seems to be a challenge when you’re dealing with inattentive rather than hyperactive behaviour). Argh, it’s all just hard!
I’m not sure it is easier, but it is definitely different. My oldest is nearly 7 and the youngest is coming up 3 late Feb (I also have a just turned 5 year old) so they are more independent and there is the odd night that none of them wake until morning. It’s also fun seeing their different personalities and how well they all get on 70% of the time 🤣
Totally agree. The baby stage was super difficult for me for a number of reasons so I’m glad that mine are now 11 and 9. I especially don’t miss the constant vigilance, that was exhausting. We can go places now and just enjoy!
I am in the throes of newborn challenges with my second child and it’s harder this time?! Even though I know more? Or maybe I know less...the sleep deprivation isn’t any easier that’s for sure! Thank you for this this timely and reassuring article Emily, especially as a 2.5 year old screams at me as I read it 😅
Honestly one to two was so hard!! I remember absolutely despairing thinking - what have I done?! Another mum said "this isnt hard imagine having twins" and I went on the multiples website looking for a place to donate 😂😂 arohanui x you're doing great!
Ugh the sleep deprivation. You know more about some things, but then you're flummoxed when the second one does things differently! And you've never parented a toddler before, so you're still doing something new, at the same time as having a newborn! It's bloody hard. Your best is good enough 👍
I said things like “why cook separate meals? If kids are hungry enough they’ll eat the food you put in front of them” lolololol
😅
😂 saaame
I feel like the kind of hard mainly changes. Of course some parts are harder than others, but it’s often in completely different ways. For me, with all three of my children, I loved the newborn stage. I was sleep deprived but feeding, cuddling, and changing even with bouts of reflux was easier for me than playing. I’ve always found the play part very very hard, like I don’t know how to do it?! I spent a lot of years beating myself up for it too. I’m less hard on myself these days. They’re 7, 12, and 13. My eldest starts high school soon and recently got his first phone as a primary graduation present, he was the last of his friends to get one and I was dreading it and held off as long as possible. But I’ve found it’s actually been a cool new way for us to bond and communicate with each other, which has been a nice wee surprise. I’m fearful of what the teenage years will bring, mine were very tumultuous, but for the most part, these last couple of years have been easier than those toddler to early school years, and man am I grateful that beach trips are so much more enjoyable without trying to navigate naps, changes, feeds, and sand eating 😂 a lot of therapy and the right meds has helped too!
Beach trips are so amazing now! Even with having to cart a diabetes bag everywhere and having to handle insulin pump stuff I still find it sooo much easier! And being able to actually get input from them on what they want to do instead of constantly trying to set up activities they ended up not liking! I am worried too about the teenage years but will cross that bridge when I get to it haha
Emily, my eldest just turned 45 and in my experience, sometimes it gets easier and sometimes it gets harder, but it never ends. He proudly shared with me that he is now 16 months sober and clean (not for the first time) and from my perspective, the hardest thing in motherhood is when you have to stand by and watch your beautiful babies wreck their lives, because sometimes, that's what adults do. So, hang onto all those precious memories because they may come in handy some day when you need to remember just how much you love your kids.
❤️❤️❤️ arohanui never easy. Sending you and your son big love x
I feel you Robin.
My 17 yo has fallen in love with someone ~ they even had a wedding. My partner and I have watched our beautiful empathic adventurous creative child turn into a husk of themselves through the relationship over only a couple of weeks.
The tension of knowing when to intervene and when to stand alongside is hard.
Holding the line to maintain a strong bond and not drive them away.
It’s hard because I love them SO FIERCELY.
Arohanui Katie. Really relate to this watching dear friends in abusive relationships I cannot imagine what it’s like when it’s your child x sending you all the love.
I think that most parents want their children to hopefully avoid making the mistakes that we made and the realisation that our children have to find their own path (that may involve some awful things) is not easy for us to navigate. I hope your teen finds their way out and learns that true love makes you more yourself, rather than subtracting what makes you, you.
Beautifully said Robin x
Thanks for this 🌈🥰🌈
Thank you so much for this, Emily. I really think it will help some people.
I was in the depths of postnatal depression with my first newborn when I asked a friend with older children, "At least it gets easier, right?" She stared straight at my tear-streaked face and said, "No, it really doesn't". That statement broke me even further and stuck with me for a long time. But she couldn't have been more wrong, thank goodness. I guess some people find the baby stage easy, but my colicky babies plus my postnatal mental health was a horrific combination.
Yes me too and those statements cut like a knife for me too. It's the worst thing you can tell a mum that's struggling.
This is what my sister in law said to me when i was struggling with a non-sleeping newborn "just wait, it gets harder", I've never forgotten it! Why people say this stuff, I'll never understand. And yes, it's still hard as they grow, but i agree with Emily, it's SO much easier now. Yesterday i had a nap on the couch while my 4 & 5 year old played together for an hour - mind blown!
My older child has left home, and the younger child is blooming in their absence. And oh my God it’s much easier to bond with a teenager than a newborn! I mean, he seems to be physically incapable of taking dishes from his room to the dishwasher and talks about computer games too much, but he tells me he’ll never get bored of native forests and gives me random cuddles and does his own laundry (sometimes without even being prompted) and has in-jokes with me. It’s not “easier” in other ways though, and the older one is still causing me to lose sleep, despite not living on the same motu...
I think they must have the capacity to make us lose sleep no matter what their age eh? Mind you now I lose sleep worrying about older family members so maybe what goes around comes around haha and honestly the dishes I get out of my eldest son's room 🤮 he finally cleaned his room the other day and was like "it's so nice in here". No shit dude 😂
A friend once asked me ‘do you parent like your parents?’ Hell no! That was a different time and affection and love weren’t vocalised. Don’t get me wrong we knew we were loved but any overt affection was definitely frowned upon. So of course I showered kisses and cuddles and I love yous on my kids. As my children approached teenage years that was tested! I can remember thinking ‘I’ve done everything wrong!’ But now they’re extraordinary awesome humans that I have an awesome relationship with. So trust yourself. You’re doing great!
That's so wonderful to hear and since I know one of your kids I know that's true that they're wonderful!
Omg not crying in the shower is enough hope for my future.
❤️❤️❤️
It gets so much easier. I remember feeling like my face was falling off with exhaustion. Literally aching all over with sleep deprivation. Both of them crying at once while my heart rate went up and up. Finally getting one down for a nap just for the other to wake up. Being vomited on daily. Bra cups filled with vomit. Cleavage as a vomit funnel. A baby wipe to the face while doing a nappy change was my self-care "hack."
The gaps between them needing you subtly increase. You get to breathe more, expand more into the time you have to get things done. Mine are 11 months apart and will both be three for the next month, it's still full on but it's so fun and beautiful for the most part. My husband and I have found time again for ourselves and each other.
Yes!! Oh my gosh I remember running for the bus in a front pack with my eldest in a buggy and the baby just puking all down my front into my bra and I just had to sit in it 😂 you’re so right about the gaps to breathe!
A great self care hack. I think when they’re vomiting on you it is ssssso much harder because of all the extra work cleaning it all up. I used to take extra clothes for me in the nappy bag. But it was quite funny one time when it happened at the Plunket rooms and the other (blissfully ignorant) mothers looked so shocked and I was literally trying to keep it contained on me and not on the Plunket sofa and carpet. Best wishes!
Oh how I was also that person that said those things before I had children! I don't think we were douchebags, we just did not know!
I was absolutely lied to by everyone I knew who already had babies. They told me that newborns are so easy, it's the easiest stage, easy, easy easy. All they do is eat, sleep and poo apparently. Liars.
So yes, I have to agree, things get easier. There are new challenges always but like you said, we grow and gain confidence as our children do.
And wow that last paragraph in italics got me! Thanks for another great read Emily.
Lol mine never slept or ate so I felt like even that wasn't true!! I always say it will be best and worst time of your life 😂
Omg Emily the PS bit (and in fact the whole article). But my big baby boy can look into my eyes without standing on tip toe or me bending over, and say love you mum. It unbearable and beautiful at once.
YES! It's so glorious. Truly the loveliest thing and you're not all touched out so you can appreciate it ♥️
Touched out such a good expression. Also I saw the most delicious small human today clad in a sun hat and crocs (total attire).
It was so hot today I wish I’d been able to cruise around in just a hat and crocs 😂
The world would be significantly better
Thanks so much for this Emily, I've had a super challenging day with my 4 year old and 2 year old. They are constantly fighting at the moment. I laughed out loud at the mummm I'm hungry paragraph...as that's all I hear right now while I'm making snack number 894 🫠
I felt so seen and understood reading this, and less alone x
I’m glad it helped! I have no idea how they eat so much?! But also no variety 😂
Yessss! Mother of a 2 and 4 year old here. The sibling fighting is incessant at the moment. I've wondered if it gets easier and been told that it doesn't, by well-meaning friends :( but I've always known, somewhere in the depths of my soul, that it will. The sleep deprivation is a killer and I've found the loss of identity (in changing relationships, what's important, what I have time for now) has been very difficult at times. But even with a 2 and 4 year old, I can see that it will change again... and hopefully soon!
I’ll never understand how people so gleefully say it gets harder. Maybe their kids sleep because that alone is enough for me 😂 like three hours broken sleep a night was the norm for me. My hair fell out! It’s so much better now 😂 and you’re so right on the loss of identity! I couldn’t even see a movie when the kids were wee!
I can’t imagine the challenges of dealing with two or more young kids at different ages and stages - that has always looked diabolical to me. But with twins, the early days were really fucking hard and I would scoff at people who told me that I should cherish every moment, but it would be harder when they got older (I also stopped spending time with people who said stupid shit like that). But now my kids are turning 11 next week, and I dunno... with the benefit of hindsight, I have realised that the toddler and preschooler stages were bloody hard, but the kids’ needs were quite basic: they needed to be fed, given naps and nice experiences, and kept safe - but any nice person could provide those things, which enabled us to pay for help as we worked and studied. But now, as they’re hitting the tween years and coping with their various ND traits and friendship dramas and gender and sexual identities, I’ve realised that this IS bloody hard on us as parents, because none of the support and help they need can be outsourced: they need us as their parents to guide them and help them. And given that I feel wholly under qualified 99% of the time, it’s daunting. Looking back, I’ve realised that ages 6 - 9 were particularly awesome, so my advice to any parents of younger kids is to really enjoy that stage. And if anybody has twins under the age of two, don’t feel bad about finding that stage really hard. It is REALLY hard, and crèche or daycare is your saviour.
Kindy was an absolute lifesaver! Could not have done it without them. I think because my kids needs were so not basic then it makes it all feel different now. I feel like I am so much better equipped at coping now than I was then - mainly because I just didn’t know anything back then about how to meet the needs of my youngest! It’s probably very individual too because health issues really kicked in back then and now I finally feel like I have a better grasp on everything. I think every stage is hard but some feel easier than others just depending on where you or your kid is at!
The stage my 6.5 year-old is going through right now is anything but particularly awesome. He is waiting for an ADHD assessment though so maybe I'll really enjoy that stage when he's medicated 🫠
Oh, I hope that gets sorted soon! And you’re right, things like that are an added challenge - our son was diagnosed as autistic just before he turned eight (we’re still trying to get an ADHD diagnosis, which seems to be a challenge when you’re dealing with inattentive rather than hyperactive behaviour). Argh, it’s all just hard!
I’m not sure it is easier, but it is definitely different. My oldest is nearly 7 and the youngest is coming up 3 late Feb (I also have a just turned 5 year old) so they are more independent and there is the odd night that none of them wake until morning. It’s also fun seeing their different personalities and how well they all get on 70% of the time 🤣
I love how beautifully my two get on. They really miss each other when they're not together. It's a big change haha
Totally agree. The baby stage was super difficult for me for a number of reasons so I’m glad that mine are now 11 and 9. I especially don’t miss the constant vigilance, that was exhausting. We can go places now and just enjoy!
Yes! The going places is so great. Even when it just doesn’t work that’s still not as often for us as back then!