I really love when you write pieces like this. I remember the silent and sometimes not-silent judgment my mum used to receive over the foods my sister would eat as a child and teenager. Her food aversions were so strong, and my mum had promised herself she would never force her to eat something she didn't want to. So no matter where we were or who was there, she ate the same few things every day. But that meant a lot of criticism from people who didn't get it. I appreciate so much you drawing attention to these types of issues so that people will hopefully be less critical when they meet a child who simply cannot eat from every food group, and for whom 5+ a day is just not even in the realm of something they could cope with!
Food is a topic people feel very free to sermonise about, very much like children's sleeping habits 😬 And we live in a world where ideas of diet and lifestyle are fetishized. So people take their ideas about diet, which they hold very dearly, and bestow that wisdom on others, whether it has been asked for or not. And some are almost religious about the topic at times, and some will have a lot of supporters.
However, I would venture to say 99.999% of parents are not remotely interested in what other people think their children should eat. We all feed our children in whatever way we can manage!!
Thank you. I have a young family member with severe eating restrictions, and yes, it's difficult, for everyone. One of the best things I found recently was a statement that despite the apparently hopelessly inadequate diet, most kids like this do grow and do survive - no-one seems quite sure how, but they do. There is the hope that things will improve with age, but there are no guidelines because every kid is different. Providing what goes down, when it's wanted, seems to be the only practical approach, no matter how much we might wish it was different!
Such a great piece Emily! I used not (i.e physically couldn’t bring myself to) eat practically ANYTHING as a child and I’m sure broke my poor parents hearts in the process but I grew up just fine in the end! Still struggle with some food stuff from time to time but as an adult I have the agency to be ‘allowed’ to manage it myself, so it’s so important to be kind and help the kiddos who may struggle and not make it any harder than it needs to be. Meri Kirihimete! xxx
Reading this - really helped to give myself as a parent some compassion. Also to give my now grown up children some compassion for the journey we all went on.
It really is ok to not be at the table when family gets together - its ok: they don't feel excluded, they don't a deal to be made of it. - Please Auntie don't try to make them sit at the table. Instead enjoy the space and maybe a book can be read together if the Lego or new computer game is not too distracting. Even then a wave and a smile is enough, its hug without touching.
I learned to not hug unless requested. I learned that food in tins has a taste that my kids didn't like. I learned the hard way not to make my kids sit at the table until they had finished their meal.
I learned that kids refusing to eat will out last my patience, my tolerance.
I "gave up" and learned to work with them. My kids grew up. :-) They make their own choices, they chose to come around and spend time with us parents .
My kid has issues with food. Because my Mum has battled an eating disorder all her life I have consciously tried to never make food a battleground. Because my kid also really likes routine, and slowly falls apart during the summer holidays without the routine that school provides, I have come up with some micro-routines that will hopefully help us.
One of those (suggested to me by another mum) was to have the same meal on the same night of the week every week. So every Monday pasta, every Tuesday rice, etc. I now have a magnetic board on the fridge outlining what we eat on each night of the week. Obviously we mix up the flavours for those who like variety, but by retaining the same staple - ie pasta, rice, corn, etc - we can meet everyone's needs. So while my daughter will have plain pasta on Mondays and Thursdays, I can make different sauces for the rest of the family.
I know we're less than a week into the holiday, but so far it seems to be working, with what she'll have for dinner not being a major point of contention come 5:30pm every day! Also we are doing our own family Xmas this year, so no unwanted commentary to deal with, woohoo! (Plus there'll be pasta, because it falls on a Monday 😄)
I love this. Last year my mum cooked a platter of chicken nuggets amongst the roasts and salads for our fussy eater. Unfortunately they were the wrong brand but I appreciated the thought.
We’ve planned Xmas day food with my daughter. She’s pretty keen on eating fresh bread and mashed potatoes. And probably just her fave fish sticks. Luckily it’s a small Xmas this year and she can eat as many meringues as she likes.
On Xmas my son will be eating the same things he eats each day (lunch and dinner are identical). Thankfully, none in my family questions that. He will also eat chocolate, which is a bonus.
It’s a pity food can be such a hot topic. I have a few food aversions, but have managed to outgrow the worst of it and hubby cannot eat cooked veges (greens, will eat potato and kumera) and literally gags with peas and corn. I have one fussy eater and we sometimes struggle to get him to eat anything at dinner time. It takes a lot to fight the voices in my head that say ‘he needed to eat veges/meat/etc’ because I was brought up with the idea that you need to try everything. He seems to be okay though because he eats a good breakfast and lunch (which are probably more predictable). Christmas lunch he’s happy to sit up and be served, but he usually won’t eat any of it, just some of the nibbles and desert. My mum is good in that she made sure there was food all 3 kids were happy to eat, but unfortunately the in-laws Christmas is a little less flexible.
Thank you for this piece. I used to be very smug about children and eating until my gorgeous grandson came to live with us. None of my old strategies worked and I have come to accept that, for some children, food and mealtimes are not pleasurable but something to be endured. This boy has endured trauma in many facets and the food he eats is, or was his only way to have some kind of control over his life. We happily provide him with safe food but yearn for a time when he might actually take pleasure in mealtimes.
His diet is quite balanced, but not varied. We have chosen to go with it rather than make a big deal over his choices.
Oh my goodness, I get this so much. My teenage daughter has ARFID and it is so hard. As she's NT she was just labelled "picky" for years, but now we have a way of describing her relationship to food. She helped plan Christmas dinner and she's looking forward to it: we figured out how to incorporate some safe foods in a way everyone can share so that she is included.
I really love when you write pieces like this. I remember the silent and sometimes not-silent judgment my mum used to receive over the foods my sister would eat as a child and teenager. Her food aversions were so strong, and my mum had promised herself she would never force her to eat something she didn't want to. So no matter where we were or who was there, she ate the same few things every day. But that meant a lot of criticism from people who didn't get it. I appreciate so much you drawing attention to these types of issues so that people will hopefully be less critical when they meet a child who simply cannot eat from every food group, and for whom 5+ a day is just not even in the realm of something they could cope with!
Food is a topic people feel very free to sermonise about, very much like children's sleeping habits 😬 And we live in a world where ideas of diet and lifestyle are fetishized. So people take their ideas about diet, which they hold very dearly, and bestow that wisdom on others, whether it has been asked for or not. And some are almost religious about the topic at times, and some will have a lot of supporters.
However, I would venture to say 99.999% of parents are not remotely interested in what other people think their children should eat. We all feed our children in whatever way we can manage!!
Thank you. I have a young family member with severe eating restrictions, and yes, it's difficult, for everyone. One of the best things I found recently was a statement that despite the apparently hopelessly inadequate diet, most kids like this do grow and do survive - no-one seems quite sure how, but they do. There is the hope that things will improve with age, but there are no guidelines because every kid is different. Providing what goes down, when it's wanted, seems to be the only practical approach, no matter how much we might wish it was different!
Such a great piece Emily! I used not (i.e physically couldn’t bring myself to) eat practically ANYTHING as a child and I’m sure broke my poor parents hearts in the process but I grew up just fine in the end! Still struggle with some food stuff from time to time but as an adult I have the agency to be ‘allowed’ to manage it myself, so it’s so important to be kind and help the kiddos who may struggle and not make it any harder than it needs to be. Meri Kirihimete! xxx
Reading this - really helped to give myself as a parent some compassion. Also to give my now grown up children some compassion for the journey we all went on.
It really is ok to not be at the table when family gets together - its ok: they don't feel excluded, they don't a deal to be made of it. - Please Auntie don't try to make them sit at the table. Instead enjoy the space and maybe a book can be read together if the Lego or new computer game is not too distracting. Even then a wave and a smile is enough, its hug without touching.
I learned to not hug unless requested. I learned that food in tins has a taste that my kids didn't like. I learned the hard way not to make my kids sit at the table until they had finished their meal.
I learned that kids refusing to eat will out last my patience, my tolerance.
I "gave up" and learned to work with them. My kids grew up. :-) They make their own choices, they chose to come around and spend time with us parents .
Fab piece of writing Emily!!
We have our trusty packet Mac'n'Cheese ready to go to Aunty's place on Xmas day, safe reliable food for our girl 😍
My kid has issues with food. Because my Mum has battled an eating disorder all her life I have consciously tried to never make food a battleground. Because my kid also really likes routine, and slowly falls apart during the summer holidays without the routine that school provides, I have come up with some micro-routines that will hopefully help us.
One of those (suggested to me by another mum) was to have the same meal on the same night of the week every week. So every Monday pasta, every Tuesday rice, etc. I now have a magnetic board on the fridge outlining what we eat on each night of the week. Obviously we mix up the flavours for those who like variety, but by retaining the same staple - ie pasta, rice, corn, etc - we can meet everyone's needs. So while my daughter will have plain pasta on Mondays and Thursdays, I can make different sauces for the rest of the family.
I know we're less than a week into the holiday, but so far it seems to be working, with what she'll have for dinner not being a major point of contention come 5:30pm every day! Also we are doing our own family Xmas this year, so no unwanted commentary to deal with, woohoo! (Plus there'll be pasta, because it falls on a Monday 😄)
I love this. Last year my mum cooked a platter of chicken nuggets amongst the roasts and salads for our fussy eater. Unfortunately they were the wrong brand but I appreciated the thought.
I loved this sentence so much … “it’s right and kind to extend the same”… Yes!
We’ve planned Xmas day food with my daughter. She’s pretty keen on eating fresh bread and mashed potatoes. And probably just her fave fish sticks. Luckily it’s a small Xmas this year and she can eat as many meringues as she likes.
On Xmas my son will be eating the same things he eats each day (lunch and dinner are identical). Thankfully, none in my family questions that. He will also eat chocolate, which is a bonus.
It’s a pity food can be such a hot topic. I have a few food aversions, but have managed to outgrow the worst of it and hubby cannot eat cooked veges (greens, will eat potato and kumera) and literally gags with peas and corn. I have one fussy eater and we sometimes struggle to get him to eat anything at dinner time. It takes a lot to fight the voices in my head that say ‘he needed to eat veges/meat/etc’ because I was brought up with the idea that you need to try everything. He seems to be okay though because he eats a good breakfast and lunch (which are probably more predictable). Christmas lunch he’s happy to sit up and be served, but he usually won’t eat any of it, just some of the nibbles and desert. My mum is good in that she made sure there was food all 3 kids were happy to eat, but unfortunately the in-laws Christmas is a little less flexible.
so much of this rings true for my childhood and hangs around to this day! Thanks Emily.
Thank you for this piece. I used to be very smug about children and eating until my gorgeous grandson came to live with us. None of my old strategies worked and I have come to accept that, for some children, food and mealtimes are not pleasurable but something to be endured. This boy has endured trauma in many facets and the food he eats is, or was his only way to have some kind of control over his life. We happily provide him with safe food but yearn for a time when he might actually take pleasure in mealtimes.
His diet is quite balanced, but not varied. We have chosen to go with it rather than make a big deal over his choices.
Oh my goodness, I get this so much. My teenage daughter has ARFID and it is so hard. As she's NT she was just labelled "picky" for years, but now we have a way of describing her relationship to food. She helped plan Christmas dinner and she's looking forward to it: we figured out how to incorporate some safe foods in a way everyone can share so that she is included.