Although you are clearly a bit tormented by it (which I totally get), the fact that you are being a self-aware and analytical parent is a sign you are a good one. Although I admire and envy your husband's approach, some of us just aren't built that way!
When I became a parent I just couldn't believe the torrent of advice and how people didn't hesitate to stick their noses in. And that ghastly competitiveness: "Oh, your baby isn't attending music lessons yet? Tarquin is only 18 months old but is playing the clarinet and is showing promising signs of being an Olympic skiier, and I am now as thin as I was when I was 12" and all that shite. Thank god for Playcentre, which provided a (mostly) sane and supportive environment. And thank god for people like you who write honestly, movingly and amusingly about the joys and frustrations of parenthood!
I only know you and the boys through your writing and Instagram but I’d be stoked if my kids turned out as kind as Eddie and Ham. I’m often wowed at how empathetic they are and brave enough to raise awareness for causes that are important. So you must not be totally shit is all I’m saying!
I asked myself if I was enough, and doing enough so many times while my kids were growing. I still ask myself those questions now, when they are adults. It's a tough one and everyone has their version of enough. I gave some of my kids formula, during the rabid "breast is best" years. I didn't make my kids pack their own lunches for school, because who can be bothered cleaning up that mess and policing 4 kids at the same kitchen bench? I let them sneak into our bed at night when I was too tired to put them back in theirs. Ultimately, they are great young adults, who make their own lunches now and sleep in their own beds, they even pay their own bills and know how the washing machine works. It turns out that I didn't mess them up too badly and when I did mess it up, they seem to have worked it out. Still doesn't stop me asking though 😄. My insecurities haven't stopped my kids from being their best.
“It all works out” is just what I needed right now. Been very caught up in the “I must be perfect or I’ll fuck everyone up and they’ll all hate me forever” mindset for a Monday. Thank you for sharing 🙏🏼
Being a perfect parent involves not being perfect. No one was allowed to so much as raise their voice to my baby sister let alone say no to her. It lead to so many issues at school and now that she’s in a relationship it’s even harder for her. Kids need to see you make mistakes and deal with them, to see that it’s okay to apologise. That if you aren’t perfect you can still be loved and be a valued, valuable person. From outside looking in you seem to be doing great. You have two loving, loved children that shows you’re doing it right enough and that’s all anyone can ask
I feel this all so much! My husband is a bit like yours - is happy the kids are happy and doesn’t worry every second if he’s completely fucked them up(like I do). I wonder if it’s a mum thing - maybe it’s easier for dads to see how happy the kids are because they don’t get the same barrage of right and wrong messages like we do? Thanks Emily x
Yes! I reckon Dad’s get way less (if not none) unsolicited advice. And they get put on a pedestal if they manage to ‘babysit’ their own children for a night or a weekend 😂
Emily you provide for your kids, obviously love and show love to your kids, and spend time with your kids. You also somehow managed to write a fricken book this year that is giving many people joy - me included! I truly hope you take some time off over Christmas as you absolutely deserve it.
I feel this so hard, thank you for putting into words what I feel. My kids say to me sometimes “you’re the best mama in the whole world” but it’s usually when I help
them clean up their crap or say they can watch telly so I really don’t put much stock in their opinion.
I feel this. And I still feel like the biggest piece of shit crappy parent. No matter what I do or say, no matter how vigilant and forward thinking I am, it’s not enough.
Thank you. Tired but trying sums up much of the last 8 months since I had my second daughter! I'm reading this sitting in a chair next to the cot, waiting for her to wake up and freak out at not being in our bed - we've been co-sleeping til now and this is night 1 of cot training. It's gonna be a long night (probably many) and I don't know if it'll stick because I'm tired, but I'm trying!! I'll give her my best and trust it's enough. Great timing for this post, ngā mihi nui.
And if it doesn’t stick and what you need right now is just to bring her back into bed with you then that’s fine too. As my mother in law (who co-slept with her two boys on a fairly regular basis) says “they’ll decide they want their own space at some point.”
I am nearly 70 and still remember all the advice I was given . Someone warned me that you get so much advice from well meaning people but pick someone out that you like the way they parent and only listen to that person . They may not always be right but they are consistent . Worked amazingly for me. I watch my children now, tear themselves to pieces worrying about if they are doing the right thing and I realise that parenthood continues to inflict guilt !
Although you are clearly a bit tormented by it (which I totally get), the fact that you are being a self-aware and analytical parent is a sign you are a good one. Although I admire and envy your husband's approach, some of us just aren't built that way!
When I became a parent I just couldn't believe the torrent of advice and how people didn't hesitate to stick their noses in. And that ghastly competitiveness: "Oh, your baby isn't attending music lessons yet? Tarquin is only 18 months old but is playing the clarinet and is showing promising signs of being an Olympic skiier, and I am now as thin as I was when I was 12" and all that shite. Thank god for Playcentre, which provided a (mostly) sane and supportive environment. And thank god for people like you who write honestly, movingly and amusingly about the joys and frustrations of parenthood!
I only know you and the boys through your writing and Instagram but I’d be stoked if my kids turned out as kind as Eddie and Ham. I’m often wowed at how empathetic they are and brave enough to raise awareness for causes that are important. So you must not be totally shit is all I’m saying!
❤️ ngā mihi x
This is brilliant, and I feel this so hard.
Also, a counsellor once told me "stop shoulding yourself" and it's great advice I carry with me to this day.
Fucking love this, and I needed this too.
Thank you.
I asked myself if I was enough, and doing enough so many times while my kids were growing. I still ask myself those questions now, when they are adults. It's a tough one and everyone has their version of enough. I gave some of my kids formula, during the rabid "breast is best" years. I didn't make my kids pack their own lunches for school, because who can be bothered cleaning up that mess and policing 4 kids at the same kitchen bench? I let them sneak into our bed at night when I was too tired to put them back in theirs. Ultimately, they are great young adults, who make their own lunches now and sleep in their own beds, they even pay their own bills and know how the washing machine works. It turns out that I didn't mess them up too badly and when I did mess it up, they seem to have worked it out. Still doesn't stop me asking though 😄. My insecurities haven't stopped my kids from being their best.
“It all works out” is just what I needed right now. Been very caught up in the “I must be perfect or I’ll fuck everyone up and they’ll all hate me forever” mindset for a Monday. Thank you for sharing 🙏🏼
Also I hate Lego
Being a perfect parent involves not being perfect. No one was allowed to so much as raise their voice to my baby sister let alone say no to her. It lead to so many issues at school and now that she’s in a relationship it’s even harder for her. Kids need to see you make mistakes and deal with them, to see that it’s okay to apologise. That if you aren’t perfect you can still be loved and be a valued, valuable person. From outside looking in you seem to be doing great. You have two loving, loved children that shows you’re doing it right enough and that’s all anyone can ask
I feel this all so much! My husband is a bit like yours - is happy the kids are happy and doesn’t worry every second if he’s completely fucked them up(like I do). I wonder if it’s a mum thing - maybe it’s easier for dads to see how happy the kids are because they don’t get the same barrage of right and wrong messages like we do? Thanks Emily x
Yes! I reckon Dad’s get way less (if not none) unsolicited advice. And they get put on a pedestal if they manage to ‘babysit’ their own children for a night or a weekend 😂
Agreed I definitely don’t think they get bombarded as much and there’s a weird assumed incompetence that some dads take advantage of.
Emily you provide for your kids, obviously love and show love to your kids, and spend time with your kids. You also somehow managed to write a fricken book this year that is giving many people joy - me included! I truly hope you take some time off over Christmas as you absolutely deserve it.
I am looking forward to a break. It’s been a hard year. ❤️
Oh mate. Thank you for this.
I feel this so hard, thank you for putting into words what I feel. My kids say to me sometimes “you’re the best mama in the whole world” but it’s usually when I help
them clean up their crap or say they can watch telly so I really don’t put much stock in their opinion.
I hear that!
I needed this - and it helps so much reading other people say the same. The constant worry about fucking them up is so hard.
❤️❤️ it helps me reading all these comments too’
I feel this. And I still feel like the biggest piece of shit crappy parent. No matter what I do or say, no matter how vigilant and forward thinking I am, it’s not enough.
It is enough and you’re enough x I’m so sorry you feel that way x
It is enough ❤️
Thank you. Tired but trying sums up much of the last 8 months since I had my second daughter! I'm reading this sitting in a chair next to the cot, waiting for her to wake up and freak out at not being in our bed - we've been co-sleeping til now and this is night 1 of cot training. It's gonna be a long night (probably many) and I don't know if it'll stick because I'm tired, but I'm trying!! I'll give her my best and trust it's enough. Great timing for this post, ngā mihi nui.
And if it doesn’t stick and what you need right now is just to bring her back into bed with you then that’s fine too. As my mother in law (who co-slept with her two boys on a fairly regular basis) says “they’ll decide they want their own space at some point.”
Sending you love! I hope it all works out x you are enough x
I think you and Alex are just the right parents for your lovely boys and YOU are doing ok! xx
Arohanui kare thank you
I am nearly 70 and still remember all the advice I was given . Someone warned me that you get so much advice from well meaning people but pick someone out that you like the way they parent and only listen to that person . They may not always be right but they are consistent . Worked amazingly for me. I watch my children now, tear themselves to pieces worrying about if they are doing the right thing and I realise that parenthood continues to inflict guilt !
So much guilt!