How do we raise gentle, kind boys?

Some books to start us off...

I have been asked so many times over the years to provide a reading list of the best books to read to our tamaiti tāne, our little boys and big boys, to show them there are many different ways to be as boys.

I’ve also been asked if there are books to read for parents to guide them in raising kind and gentle boys - that is a lot harder. I find prescriptive books - boys do this so you need to do that, boys do that so you need to do this - don’t fit my experiences as a mother to boys. I’ve tried all of the recommended books - Celia Lashlie, Steve Biddulph, Maggie Dent et al - but none of them felt expansive enough for me.

But I have found some kids’ books that have helped me start great conversations with my kids. I’d love to hear your recommendations too. I had only a few people recommend books when I asked on my Instagram about this. But - a lot of people wanted a reading list so here we go!

Wherever possible I’ve linked to an indy bookstore for you to buy from so you can support local and small. I can’t guarantee they’ll be in stock but I can promise you small bookstores LOVE to order in books for you - please consider shopping through them rather than Bezos’ owned Book Depository.

Books for parents

I really recommend Boys will be Boys: Power, patriarchy and the toxic bonds of mateship by Clementine Ford. At first glance, this might not seem like a parenting book but it really, really is. It talks about the things we have to know as parents of boys - the manosphere they’ll encounter when they’re teens online (Ford predicted Andrew Tate before he existed). Clementine is a mum to a little boy and she writes beautifully about that. It’s a hard read, but in my opinion it’s the most crucial book out there for parents of tamariki of all genders, but particularly cis boys.

Here’s a review of Boys will be Boys: Clementine Ford reveals the fragility behind ‘toxic masculinity’ in Boys Will Be Boys

“I want this world to be different for you. I want you to have more choices about the kind of boy you want to be. Boys will be boys, but we have so far collectively failed to let you all be anything other than the most rigid, damaging and reductive form of boy that we possibly can. What if we tried to do things differently?

Boys will be sensitive. Boys will be soft. Boys will be kind. Boys will be gentle. Boys will respect girls. Boys will be accountable for their actions. Boys will be expressive. Boys will be loving. Boys will be nurturing.” - Clementine Ford

I cannot even tell you how much my kids and I loved: Tell Me: What Children Really Want to Know About Bodies, Sex and Emotions. It’s a book by Katharina von der Gathen and it’s comprised of real questions children have asked adults. I read it first, then each night I would let the children pick a page and we would read one question and answer. They always picked the ones that had drawings of penises on them lol. Penii? What is the plural for penis? I should know right…

Anyway, there are 99 questions about all sorts of things. What worked so well for the kids was that they would get a bit giggly but the questions are answered really openly - so it removed embarrassment and awkwardness. I really want my kids to be able to ask me any question about anything - this book helped set the tone. I really recommend it.

I also found How To Raise an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi to be a really, really good read. If you are white (like I am) it’s a must-read and it will help you talk to your kids about race. It’s never too early or too late to become an Antiracist parent and for your children to be Antiracist too.

“I did not realize in writing ‘How to Raise an Antiracist’ that the research would point to a single finding: It’s protective to our children to raise them to be antiracist and to talk to them about race.” - Ibram X. Kendi

The New Queer Conscience by Adam Eli is a very unassuming little pocketbook. You will be able to read it quickly - but it’s sooo good. And I have thought about it so much with my parenting! I think it’s written for teens and it’s not even a parenting book - but it really inspired me. And when I’m feeling like I’m doing it all wrong, I love to refer to it. I don’t think you have to be queer to get a lot out of it. But obviously, I can’t read it as a straight person…But I loved the message of collective responsibility, collective care, of being together and working toward a better future.

Books for our tamariki

Empowering my kids is important to me because I think kids aren’t listened to a lot and I worry about how that impacts their self esteem and sense of worth. I want them to know they can use their voices and we will listen.

I don’t want them to feel despondent about the future.

The A Is for Activist Board Book by Innosanto Nagara was a huge favourite in our house when my boys were very little. It was so important to me that they grew up understanding activism and knowing they can make change in the world.

We always loved to read it together. “Y is for YOU! You. U. Youth! Your future! Your planet! Your rights! Your truth!” I believe empowering our boys to help others and to stand strong in what they know is right is such an important lesson.

The Lorax - I know, I know. I’m not the biggest fan of Dr Seuss but I would be wrong if I didn’t include this book just based on share impact. I truly think The Lorax turned my son into an environmentalist first read lol. It’s obviously available everywhere.

UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not. - The Lorax

Body image is on my mind a lot. I consider a lot about the ways boys chipped away at my self-esteem and the way I felt about my body in primary school. I do not want my boys doing that to little girls (or any children or any gender).

I bought Her Body Can by Katie Crenshaw and Ady Meschke despite the fact that there was a His Body Can option because I don’t want my boys to just expect they’ll be represented in all media (though there are sweet boys in the illustrations of this book). I want them to know about how patriarchal beauty standards are particularly brutal for girls. This is a lovely and age-appropriate book about what your body can do. I loved the gentle messaging - “Her body is beautiful—strong, kind and wise. All bodies are lovely no matter their size.” I especially liked the: “Food is her fuel” information - though I often used the last page to discuss how not every body’s body can do everything that other body’s can but all bodies are good bodies. It allowed us to discuss disability and our different skills. I couldn’t find a place to order this book but it’s read a lot on Youtube.

I want my boys to feel they can be who they are. But I also want them to explore what that means - to think about it and play with it.

My eldest Eddie LOVED Julián Is a Mermaid by Jessica Love when he was little. It’s a very gentle and subtle exploration of imagination and gender expression. It is just so beautiful and a lovely gentle example of love and community. A definite favourite.

From Julián Is a Mermaid

In a similar vein - Fred Gets Dressed was a huge hit in our house. The kids used to scream with laughter reading it and yell NUDIE BUM so you know! The story is simple, but pretty delightful. Fred is a little boy who loves to be nude. He dresses up in his mum’s clothes and his dad’s clothes. His parents find him and dress up too. It’s got a really lovely message of safety within your family to explore and express yourself.

Be Your Own Man is by Jessica Sanders, the author of the bestselling, award-winning Love Your Body which is also a great book. I really like how it outright addresses that our boys WILL be getting messages from society about what kind of boy they need to be. It’s very direct “does it sometimes feel like there’s only one way to be a boy?” is an awesome conversation starter.

A boy Like You by Frank Murphy is very similar - it talks about how kind boys are needed. Funnily enough there’s a line “Don’t say ‘you throw like a girl’ ever!” and my boys were so confused because they were like: ‘Why would anyone say that??’ It’s an example of authors writing for parents not kids. But I did like the messages of

“Smart kids ask questions.

So ask a lot of them!

The more you know - The less you’ll fear.

Here’s a secret not many people know.

Fear and bravery are partners. - A Boy Like You

And I loved the encouragement of sharing stories - and the connections we make by doing that. I couldn’t find a place to order this which wasn’t a big ugly corporation. But you can watch it on Youtube or get a bookstore to order it in.

Mophead by Selina Tusitala Marsh is such a great book. Selina shares being ridiculed for her big, frizzy hair at school. Kids call her ‘mophead’. She ties her hair up this way and that way and tries to fit in. Until one day – she decides to let her hair out, to embrace her difference, to be wild. My kids love it. And Selina Tusitala Marsh is a national treasure. They also loved Mophead Tu: The Queen's Poem - her second book. We talked about racism and bullying around this book - and how important it is to always see how much it hurts others when you put them down. We also talked about what our version of “wild” is. Loved it.

The Some Boys, Some Girls and Some Brains series by Nelly Thomas is just the most awesome series. Some Brains has been the best, most age appropriate explainer by neurodivergency I’ve seen. And I adore the illustrations in all three books (I have them all). I love seeing feeding tubes and hijabs, ear protectors and wheel chairs! So great. All three are great books for teaching kids all the ways they can be themselves but I definitely recommend Some Brains.

“I see letters fall from the page.

Leah knows everything from the Ice Age.

Jan sees numbers swirling in circles and can even smell purple.

If you want a great idea have me on your team.

I’ll show you an angle you probably won’t see”. - Some Brains

I also really loved I Talk Like A River by Jordan Scott. As the mum of a kid who has had speech problems for a long time - I wish every kid read this book. Even if they don’t - it’s a lesson in empathy and so supportive of kids who struggle to find their words.

My son really related to “bad speech days”.

“Quiet and alone with my dad. I feel a storm in my belly and my eyes fill with rain.” - I Talk Like A River

I Talk Like A River

Teaching consent is obviously a huge thing on your radar if you’re a parent. I really feel like teaching your kids the phrase “My body, my choice” is super important. Even if it bites you in the ass when you want them to have a shower and they won’t.

I found a few books really helpful with the ongoing consent and boundaries conversation. It is all about reinforcing those messages as often as possible, but some books helped to guide me with those discussions.

Respect : Consent, Boundaries and Being in Charge of YOU by Rachel Brian is really great. You might know her from the Tea Consent video which is a very entry level understanding of consent. Eddie liked to read this on his own and I read it to Ham who had little interest in it. So there you go…But I did find it gave me language I didn’t have and it now sits in his bookshelf for him to refer to any time.

Miles is the Boss of His Body by Samantha Kurtzman-Counter is also a winner in our house. This was really useful around tickling, cuddling, and kisses. It helped us come up with the language to say what each of us liked and didn’t like about touch. I couldn’t find a copy! But it’s on Youtube.

Jerome by Heart by Thomas Scotto is a lovely book about a boy called Raphael who loves a boy called Jerome. It’s very similar to From Archie to Zack. They’re about little boys loving their best friends - super important to me for my boys to know that boys love boys and that friendship and love between boys is beautiful and kind and gentle.

For older kids - You Be You! by Jonathan Bramfman is a great kid's guide to gender, sexuality, and family. It’s a great conversation starter for older kids - describing everything from the meanings of terms like genderqueer, nonbinary, gender-fluid, transgender, cisgender, asexual, aromantic, bisexual, and pansexual - removing any need for awkwardness or worry about “getting things wrong”.

When Aidan Became a Brother by Kyle Lukoff is a bit wordy but it’s sooo lovely. It’s about a little trans boy and his thoughts on being a big brother. My boys absolutely adored this because they take being a big brother very, very seriously. It has such good messages about how you can be a different boy or girl within whatever gender you are, and how we make assumptions about gender with little ones.

“Aiden knew how to love someone and that was the most important part of being a brother”. - When Aidan Became a Brother.

Under the Love Umbrella by Davina Bell is really lovely. It’s a great book about how we keep our children safe with our love. It’s such a good message for them that they can come to us no matter what. I love the concept of being under an umbrella of love.

Under the Love Umbrella

In the same vein I love A House Of Her Own by Jenny Hughes and Jonathan Bentley. It’s about growing up but always being supported by your parents. It’s an old book so I couldn’t find it to order, but it’s on Youtube.

I wanted to recommend one I haven’t read but the mum who has is awesome, so I thought I should include it. It’s by footballer Marcus Rashford and it’s called “You Are A Champion”.

“It’s all about being the best you can be. My 11 year-old sporty boy loved it so much and it helped him really focus on himself and what he could control rather than letting anxiety take over.”

He also has another book that looks good: You Can Do It: How to Find Your Voice and Make a Difference.

I’d like to give a special shout out for Kissed by the Moon by Alison Lester which I think I read every single night for five years. And It’s Ok To Be Different by Todd Parr which is very basic but my kids were so into it I know it by heart now.

I also had recommendations for Rosie Revere Engineer and Ada Twist Scientist which I haven’t read but they were praised!

So that’s my list. There will be many great ones I missed out. And probably a lot of typos. Sorry! My brain is going a mile a minute because my book is coming out next week.

Please share your recommendations! And remember most children’s books are read aloud on Youtube or you can ask your library to order them in. Please if you buy - buy local. Bookstores will always order in books if you ask them nicely by email. The IHC Library is also an amazing free resource.

I hope this helps!

Arohanui Emily x