Oh Emily. This is heartbreaking to read. Thank you for writing it. The one point I’d like to make is that we really need to acknowledge that dealing with twins (or triplets) isn’t the same as dealing with one baby at a time. It’s horrendously difficult for so, so many of us. And it feels like there has been a fair few cases of NZ baby twins being the victims of violence from parents who simply weren’t able to cope. I met a fellow twin mum in a work call today, and she told me that she went back to work when her babies were five months old because it was so overwhelming and hideous that she felt like she couldn’t be at home with her two babies. Her twins are now three and mine are now ten, but because we were both first-time mothers, we weren’t eligible to any funded support (parents with a child under five when they have twins get 250 hours of funded help to use in the first year, and parents of triplets get 1,200 hours). I had to get out of the house at 14 months.
Without wanting to be melodramatic, I think I have PTSD from my first year as a mother of twins - when I think about it or talk about it, I feel my heart racing and I start to feel a bit panicky. I don’t think I will ever get over it. It blows my mind that any it was considered ok for me to be at home alone with two newborns a week after having them. So while most of us who go through this don’t injure our babies, it does feel real to me to think about how the intense and relentless life with multiple babies might exacerbate postpartum depression.
Thanks for writing this Jacq. It’s important for mums of single birthed humans (sorry weird phrase) to understand more thank you. I did not know this about the funding… that seems ludicrous
I think it's absolutely wild that mothers are left alone with any amount of newborns, given the extreme physical trauma you've just endured in getting them out of your body. Multiples is beyond. I recognise your PTSD and I think you are very brave.
Beautiful. And sad. I had the misfortune of standing in a mechanics garage while the blokes loudly expressed their opinion and views about this case. I have not read anything about it, but was struck to the core at the complete lack of any inkling of empathy or understanding. They were so certain of their own certainty. They are all married, with children. How could they be so ignorant?
They sound like the kind of guys who would tell their wives to put their big girl panties on and that that talk would get them locked up before leaving them all weekend to go hunting. And then they'd drag them across the world away from their support system and leave them in the care of strangers while they worked (when they said they wouldn't) and socialised. And then they'd say 'she did it to punish me!' Then they'd leave her in a strange country to deal with the worst possible thing anyone could ever go through, alone.
I’m a mother who has hit the bottom and been confronted with that line. Seeing how small the step between “super mum” and “mum who lost it” is is terrifying. I will never ever forget feeling like I could trip and tumble into the abyss that was the wrong side of that line. I try not to think about it too often, it’s hurts too much. I too dream of a world where women get the support before they find themselves standing on that precipice ❤️
Beautiful words Emily. Oh how I wish this was our reality. I’m a midwife and I just wish I could fix our system, and how we treat our vulnerable new parents. Thank you for sharing, my optimistic little heart hopes that in my lifetime, this becomes the norm. Arohanui ❤️
If only we (and so many other countries) were governed by people who could see their population's real needs, and funded health care, parental leave, home help, and education as first priorities - not roads, prisons and tax cuts for the wealthy. Why can't we vote for kindness and compassion? Why have we become so callous about other people's pain? How can we change it?
You’ve illustrated how there were so many opportunities for people and systems to step in to help her, and they just didn’t. Why is it like this? The lack of support we have as mothers (the systemic and structural lack of support) is both heartbreaking and infuriating.
I too thank you for this . If only, if only . And as for those who like the mechanics are judge and jury .. mmmm . The defense wept when the jury decision was announced.. that sums it up doesn’t it?
Oh Emily. If only. Why is it so so so hard to get help. I will never forget being told I wasn’t “bad enough” to keep receiving support from the perinatal mental health service that I so badly needed. I looked back at some GP notes recently and it was really upsetting. Thank god I got through that time.
I felt this in my body. I can’t describe the depth of longing I feel for the world you just illustrated. Thanks for writing this. It’s such a great perspective to take it from. You’ve done a wonderful job 🤍🤍🤍
How has it all gone so belly up in the health system…
… that was beautifully written Emily. In truth I was worried when you said you might write about this because it has been so triggering for me and I’ve been tug of war-ing with myself over my feelings on this whole matter… her story is so relatable to me until that point when it really really isn’t …
But your piece just made me sob - thank you as always for finding the words I couldn’t find xx
Oh Emily. This is heartbreaking to read. Thank you for writing it. The one point I’d like to make is that we really need to acknowledge that dealing with twins (or triplets) isn’t the same as dealing with one baby at a time. It’s horrendously difficult for so, so many of us. And it feels like there has been a fair few cases of NZ baby twins being the victims of violence from parents who simply weren’t able to cope. I met a fellow twin mum in a work call today, and she told me that she went back to work when her babies were five months old because it was so overwhelming and hideous that she felt like she couldn’t be at home with her two babies. Her twins are now three and mine are now ten, but because we were both first-time mothers, we weren’t eligible to any funded support (parents with a child under five when they have twins get 250 hours of funded help to use in the first year, and parents of triplets get 1,200 hours). I had to get out of the house at 14 months.
Without wanting to be melodramatic, I think I have PTSD from my first year as a mother of twins - when I think about it or talk about it, I feel my heart racing and I start to feel a bit panicky. I don’t think I will ever get over it. It blows my mind that any it was considered ok for me to be at home alone with two newborns a week after having them. So while most of us who go through this don’t injure our babies, it does feel real to me to think about how the intense and relentless life with multiple babies might exacerbate postpartum depression.
Yes absolutely. Parents with multiples need so much more support. It makes no sense that first time mums are not supported with twins. Arohanui Emily
Thanks for writing this Jacq. It’s important for mums of single birthed humans (sorry weird phrase) to understand more thank you. I did not know this about the funding… that seems ludicrous
I think it's absolutely wild that mothers are left alone with any amount of newborns, given the extreme physical trauma you've just endured in getting them out of your body. Multiples is beyond. I recognise your PTSD and I think you are very brave.
You are all so kind. And for what it’s worth, I think dealing with any number of babies is mind boggling!
Beautiful. And sad. I had the misfortune of standing in a mechanics garage while the blokes loudly expressed their opinion and views about this case. I have not read anything about it, but was struck to the core at the complete lack of any inkling of empathy or understanding. They were so certain of their own certainty. They are all married, with children. How could they be so ignorant?
They sound like the kind of guys who would tell their wives to put their big girl panties on and that that talk would get them locked up before leaving them all weekend to go hunting. And then they'd drag them across the world away from their support system and leave them in the care of strangers while they worked (when they said they wouldn't) and socialised. And then they'd say 'she did it to punish me!' Then they'd leave her in a strange country to deal with the worst possible thing anyone could ever go through, alone.
Oh Emily. I bawled all the way through this. Because it's so simple, isn't it? Just to see her and help her.
I was hospitalised with my second with severe ppd. Long story - there was dv I wasn’t safe blah blah.
Now I work as a gp in perinatal support and I all I can say is there’s no funding and no time and I just wish for a lot of things.
Keep fighting the good fight hey Em. We’ll all deserve better
This is devastating. You've written this unbelievably well. How I wish this is how it went
I’m a mother who has hit the bottom and been confronted with that line. Seeing how small the step between “super mum” and “mum who lost it” is is terrifying. I will never ever forget feeling like I could trip and tumble into the abyss that was the wrong side of that line. I try not to think about it too often, it’s hurts too much. I too dream of a world where women get the support before they find themselves standing on that precipice ❤️
Beautiful words Emily. Oh how I wish this was our reality. I’m a midwife and I just wish I could fix our system, and how we treat our vulnerable new parents. Thank you for sharing, my optimistic little heart hopes that in my lifetime, this becomes the norm. Arohanui ❤️
If only we (and so many other countries) were governed by people who could see their population's real needs, and funded health care, parental leave, home help, and education as first priorities - not roads, prisons and tax cuts for the wealthy. Why can't we vote for kindness and compassion? Why have we become so callous about other people's pain? How can we change it?
You’ve illustrated how there were so many opportunities for people and systems to step in to help her, and they just didn’t. Why is it like this? The lack of support we have as mothers (the systemic and structural lack of support) is both heartbreaking and infuriating.
I too thank you for this . If only, if only . And as for those who like the mechanics are judge and jury .. mmmm . The defense wept when the jury decision was announced.. that sums it up doesn’t it?
Such an important piece of writing in response to this tragedy - thank you for reminding us that in another world it’s preventable.
Oh Emily. If only. Why is it so so so hard to get help. I will never forget being told I wasn’t “bad enough” to keep receiving support from the perinatal mental health service that I so badly needed. I looked back at some GP notes recently and it was really upsetting. Thank god I got through that time.
It’s just so heartbreaking.
I felt this in my body. I can’t describe the depth of longing I feel for the world you just illustrated. Thanks for writing this. It’s such a great perspective to take it from. You’ve done a wonderful job 🤍🤍🤍
Thank you. This must have been hard to write. Thank you.
😰
How has it all gone so belly up in the health system…
… that was beautifully written Emily. In truth I was worried when you said you might write about this because it has been so triggering for me and I’ve been tug of war-ing with myself over my feelings on this whole matter… her story is so relatable to me until that point when it really really isn’t …
But your piece just made me sob - thank you as always for finding the words I couldn’t find xx
Really powerful. The response that is missing, in this situation and so many others.