Meditations to calm your frayed nerves

You are getting very sleepy!!!!!!!!!!

It’s gonna be quite the evening huh? So let’s have some silly meditations to help to get you through. I hope you like them. Arohanui, don’t lose yourself to hopelessness today.

You are a hippo. You have spent the last six months living in luxury as you take part in a research project by the Royal Veterinary College. They encourage you to run and each time you fly through the air the scientists are stunned. Some cry. Others hug. You have brought profound joy to them. In their paper they reveal their findings - that hippopotamuses can be airborne for up to 0.3 seconds at a time when moving fast. Rhinos and elephants cannot do this. You weigh 2,000 kilograms and you can fly. You’re a marvel. And your mere existence brings delight to everybody. You also have the ability to eat people if they annoy you.

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You are watching television when suddenly a breaking news banner appears. Elon Musk had an Ayahuasca-induced epiphany and realised he’s a fucking dick. He has closed down Twitter, apologised for ever calling it X, and donated his billions to a global independent research coalition who have said they now can act to end climate change. Musk has dug a hole and he’s going to live in there and he promises you’ll never hear about him again.

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You are six years-old. You have lived at the pound for two years now. The people who care for you are nice, but you miss having a family. You know you have so much to give. Each weekend people walk by your cage. You are a stuffy crossed with something else. Maybe a kelpie? Maybe a working dog breed? You have heard yourself be described as an SPCA special and a classic pound pup. You don’t know what that means, you just know that if someone gives you a chance you’ll do anything for them. You can chase a ball, sit on a knee, you’re toilet trained (you take pride in this), you almost never bark except when you have to let your family know the courier is here. Still, they pass by your cage with barely a glance. Then one day a little moon face pops in front of you - a big gap-toothed smile appears. You are instantly in love with the child. They talk to you “Hello friend! You’re cute!”. Your tail can’t stop wagging. Is this it? Is it time? The grown-up opens the gate and you take your chance - you bound into the child’s lap, licking their face, wagging your tail. “I want this one!” the child squeals. And she squeezes your tight. You can scarcely believe it. You’re overwhelmed with love for this child already and you will care for them for as long as you can. This feeling - it is indescribable. You’ve got a home. Finally.

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You open the big box marked “Xmas”. You find that you have at some point in the year changed your usual way of putting away decorations - which is to throw them all in as if you’ll never celebrate Christmas again. Instead you find everything ordered. It’s perfect. The Christmas tree lights have new batteries, they’re completely untangled. Every ornament has a home. Everything is in its right place. Merry Christmas from past you to present you.

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You are a giant Apolemia siphonophore. Most people don’t know about you and that suits you just fine. At 55 metres you’re a monster. You make a Blue Whale look like a little bitch. You are only the second life form found to produce a red light (the scaleless dragonfish being the first) and you know there is a desperate desire to capture your light on film for the world to see. But they won’t be able to. On April 6, 2020, the Schmidt Ocean Institute discovered your brother in submarine canyons near Ningaloo Coast, they have no idea you’re double his size. Your kind is an ancient lineage that dates back to c. 640 million years ago. You have no job. No thoughts. You just are. Without even trying, everyone wants to know you.

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You’re walking along the beach. The sun is shining, warming your back. There’s a slight breeze that is just cool enough to keep you comfortable. The sand is warm but not hot. Beneath your toes it feels soft and with each step you feel unburdened. You throw a stick into the waves and watch your dog chase it, she brings it back with a goofy grin on her face. Soon you will have a nap on the couch at your bach, the quiet of this sleepy town sending you into peaceful slumber. Then you’ll wake up and eat a perfect avocado with salt and pepper on fresh bread still warm from the oven. You have a book to read and the evening lies open, no plans, maybe a crisp white or a deep red, maybe a G&T with the fresh lemons you have, maybe a cup of perfectly made tea. There’s no news. No unprecedented events. No work. No phone calls. Just you, the beach, the couch, a brilliant book and the hours ahead, filled with gentle peace.

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Your name is Holly. You were born on Christmas Eve. You are assistant to an antiques dealer who is the best in the business. You hope that serving her will mean one day you’ll have your own business. She is horrible to work with. On Christmas Eve, she calls you to say you must drop off a rare tea set to a celebrity client in a small town four hours drive away. You agree but you’re very upset. You put the address into your GPS and then put on a podcast. You arrive exhausted at a small wooden cabin. Cate Blanchett answers the door. She is holding a glass of red wine. “Come in” she says to you. You ask about the tea set but she seems uninterested in it. “You must be exhausted,” she says. You look around the cabin, which is beautiful but sparse. “You have no Christmas decorations,” you say. “Well, that’s because this is my sex cabin. I share it with Alexander Skarsgard,” she says. She bites her lip. You forget All about your dreams of being an antiques dealer. She holds up a sprig of mistletoe above your head. You lean into her kiss and from the corner of your eye you see Alexander Skarsgard appear. His V is out of control.

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You stride forward, side-by-side with your peers. You hear children shouting with conviction and joy, you see ahead of you elderly folks being supported as they march. You see people of all walks of life walking together. You feel the weight of knowing you must act, but it is not a burden - it is an honour to be able to rally in solidarity with those bravely trying to show us a better way. You know that a better world is possible. You believe it. You look down at your tamariki and know they are searching your face for signs that the earth they inherit will be a safe one. You know you will be in community with others forever, doing everything you can to make this happen for future generations. There will be justice. There will be peace. You feel the conscientious objectors, the resistors, the pacifists, the protesters and the protectors, the radicals and the rebels watching over you from times past. A hand holds yours. You reach out your hand to another. Free. Free. Free You call. The crowd calls back with powerful conviction - and you know that no matter what happens next you are not alone. You are never alone.

Feel free to vent in the comments. I will be around as much as I can be with the kids. Arohanui and wherever you are: keep safe.