My child went on puberty blockers, then they changed their mind

What happens when a child starts puberty blockers then no longer wants them?

Kia ora, a while back someone asked me about puberty blockers and I said I’d do an explainer. That’s in the works - waiting on a government report that I’d like to time it with. In the meantime, I kept thinking about what someone had said to me: “You should listen to all of the kids who changed their mind about puberty blockers”.

I soon learned this is a common line by transphobes. It’s Schrodinger’s child. Transphobes say there are countless children who have tried puberty blockers and then changed their mind. Thousands of them! Millions even! And yet there’s only ever the same parent interviewed. A parent who perhaps not coincidentally no longer speaks to their child who often is begging their parent to not use them as a political pawn.

I’ve met many parents of trans kids. Gender stuff and autism goes hand-in-hand so it’s very common in the communities I’m in. I’ve met many parents of trans kids who have had puberty blockers. Mostly, it’s a very boring story - their child has puberty blockers and is happy.

But I recently learned of a child who went on puberty blockers and then changed their mind. I asked their parent if they could share the story with me and with all of you. Names have changed obviously to protect the child and mother.

I’m pleased to finally be able to share a story that is rare but still important to know about if you want to put your two cents in about puberty blockers.

There is a lot of hysteria and misinformation about puberty blockers. People who are neither medical professionals nor transgender themselves use words like ‘chemical castration’ and ‘irreversible damage’ to drum up fear and hatred. 

People like to wring their hands and say, “What if they change their mind?”.

Well, my child did.

But puberty blockers still saved their life. 

When Ash was nine-years-old, I got a call from school to tell me they’d said “I wish I had a knife so I could stab myself, so this would all be over”. Sure, they had a lot going on at the time - their dad was ill, there were friendship dramas at school, and they had (then) undiagnosed autism and school refusal. However, a major factor in Ash’s distress (that I was unaware of at the time), was that they knew that the gender label ‘girl’ didn’t fit them, but didn’t know what that meant. 

A few months later, after they found the words, Ash came to me and said “Mum, I think I’m a boy.” It wasn’t a huge shock to me; they had never been particularly girly, but I’ll admit I felt fear for their future. 

I was fortunate to know a couple of parents with transgender children, and was soon linked with a fantastic online support group where I could get information and affirmation for what might come next. We got a referral to the paediatric gender clinic, and I knew Ash was serious about their identity when they acquiesced to blood tests without complaint. We went through all the steps of social transition - name and pronoun change, haircut and new clothes - and were advised that once they reached a certain stage of puberty, blockers would be the next thing to consider.

Photo by Inbal Marilli

For those who don’t know, puberty blockers are delivered as an injection every three months, either in the stomach or upper thigh. They literally do what it says on the box - they put a pause on natal puberty, stopping things like periods, breast growth, facial hair, and voice deepening. Puberty blockers have been used for a long time for children going through puberty very young, so this is not a new medical treatment.  Nor are they handed out like smarties - there are rigorous medical and psychological barriers to jump, usually including a wait of up to a year for an initial appointment. 

For Ash, puberty blockers gave them time to breathe. They didn’t have to worry about their body being permanently changed in ways that felt wrong, while they were already worrying about all kinds of other things, and they could live as the boy they felt they were supposed to be. I could see a weight lift from their shoulders after the first injection. Their mental health was visibly better in the months that followed. 

A couple of years later, Ash came to me for another Serious Talk. “Mum, I think I might not be a boy. I’m nonbinary.”

To some, perhaps this might seem like proof that Ash had been ‘too young to know’ their gender. But in fact, this is a relatively common experience for gender-diverse young people. It’s not that they have ‘changed their gender again’ it’s that being gender diverse is seen by society as different, or other, and most people don’t know a lot about it until they have to. Being nonbinary, agender, or another identity that doesn’t fit into a binary tick box can feel confusing and scary because we don’t talk about it. So Ash changed their name and pronouns for a second time, and it became clear that this was an identity they could wear comfortably for a long time. 

Soon after, Ash decided to stop puberty blockers. They became confident that being nonbinary didn’t require them to look a specific way, and so puberty was no longer terrifying and alien. They started taking pills to stop their periods, as these still caused dysphoria, but everything else felt okay. Once the blockers were out of their system, they went through regular female puberty, a little later than some of their peers but not markedly so, with no ill effects.

Like any medical treatment, puberty blockers have potential side effects that a doctor, the patient, and their caregivers will carefully weigh against the benefits. Many lifesaving treatments have side effects, but it only seems to be puberty blockers that concern the general public, despite these potential side effects being very minimal and closely monitored. The stark fact is, for many gender-diverse young people, the bodily changes of natal puberty can be devastating and we know that some have died by suicide because of it. 

All of the research shows that gender-affirming health care, along with family and social support, drastically reduces mental ill health, self-harm and suicidal ideation. Puberty blockers are safe, well-tested, fully reversible, and lifesaving. To oppose them in the face of all that evidence is transphobic, plain and simple. 

My child’s story is just one among dozens of voices saying the same thing: puberty blockers save lives. It’s time for people to listen.