New National housing policy a winner

Ask not what your landlord can do for you!

The National Party has offered an amazing housing policy to help renters after calls for an overhaul of the system. The party revealed today they will assist renters by allowing them to use their compulsory retirement savings to pay landlords to ensure landlords have more comfortable retirements.

The policy gives renters under the age of 30 the chance to crack open their KiwiSaver to give their savings to landlords via a tenancy agreement bond.

National’s housing spokesperson Chris Bishop has said renters have asked for help from the party. He hopes the new policy reassures them that their priorities are clear when it comes to housing.

“Some landlords only have two or three holiday homes to enjoy in retirement. We need to think about how hard that will be for them. If we can use renters’ KiwiSaver funds for bonds - which landlords know how to challenge for things like ‘air in the lounge’ and ‘grass outside on lawn’ - we can ensure landlords have real choice. Choice like do they spend the summer in Wānaka or Taupo or Mangawhai”.

Concerns about how renters will survive retirement if their KiwiSaver is treated as an ATM were unfounded, he said. “Housing stock in New Zealand is so bad that most renters won’t live long enough to get their KiwiSaver anyway. And that’s just wasted money that could go to landlords”.

Rents are “out of control in Wellington” Bishop said, and National’s plan to tackle that is not with rent controls but with a little kiss on the forehead for each landlord.

Bishop claims the current government has waged a war on landlords. Not content with reinstating no-cause tenancy terminations, Bishop would like to see a small statue erected of every landlord, including his dad, in every town square.

“Mum and Dad landlords aren’t the enemy in the housing market,” he said, referring specifically to his mum and dad.

“I’d like to see renters show their appreciation beyond paying more than the mortgage on their mouldy and damp rentals. I’d like to see them dance a little bit. Just in front of their landlords when their landlords have guests over. After dinner but before brandy. I’d like to see them make it a little bit sexy.”

“National’s changes will make it easier to be a landlord,” Bishop says. “And under a National government only a few renters will be hunted for sport”.

“We are also looking at other ways to help with housing. Like maybe renters could consider spending some of their time on all fours being footstools for their landlords. Just while they watch television and stuff. Or maybe they could use their KiwiSaver to buy a little treat for their landlord like some caviar or a voucher for Moore Wilsons”.

Renters could also consider giving their first born child as part of their bond. “Or if your mother is sprightly enough, why not see if she can clean your landlord’s Tesla?” Bishop said while eating a renter’s guinea pig. “No pets, I specifically said no pets.”

“Just get creative basically, I mean Chris Luxon - he’s got seven properties and this year he got his tenants to fight to the death in a cage match as part of the entertainment for the National Party conference. We got to throw food at them and the winner got a dehumidifier. That’s what we are talking about - think outside the box”.

The new policy comes as a survey shows young people going without medical care, food and transport because of cash shortages. The Chief Human Rights Commissioner has called for the creation of a housing watchdog, after their inquiry found many homes, particularly rentals, were making people sick. The inquiry also found major breaches of human rights in the emergency housing system. The government's own review found that over half of rental properties are not complying with Healthy Homes standards.