Is your baby going through a sleep regression?

The only guide you need

A good baby falls asleep immediately after birth. Generally, babies then sleep for six to twelve months. This is a hibernation period. If at any point they wake, it’s likely they’re having a sleep regression.

Here is your definitive guide to sleep regressions. It’s important to be able to explain why your precious baby isn’t sleeping all the time, so here is a handy list for you to match their age with their appropriate sleep regression. I’ve also provided some handy tips on how to address each sleep regression so you’ll be sleeping through the night in no time!

You can also use this list to provide helpful advice to other parents like – “That sounds like the eight month sleep regression” or “That sounds like the nine month sleep regression” or “That sounds like the 11 month sleep regression”. Once you establish what sleep regression their child is going through, you should then add “think that’s bad! Just wait until the X month sleep regression!” 

This baby isn’t real. Do you know how you know that? Because it’s asleep.

It is very helpful for parents to know that their child is having a sleep regression, and the only way they will know is if someone tells them. It’s possible that the fact that they haven’t slept in 72 hours will signal them that their child is having some kind of sleep regression, but really, it’s a public service that you tell them as well. They definitely won’t want to stab you many, many, many times.

Four week sleep regression

At around four weeks old your baby will have a sleep regression because they’ve come to realise they are no longer in the womb. It usually takes around four to six weeks for a baby to realise they’re surrounded by air and not fluid. The best way to handle this regression is to make your home more womb-like. If it’s at all possible, replace your door with a giant paper-mache vagina. Flood your house, grow gills, and live as a fish hybrid.

Five week sleep regression

At around five weeks old your child will have a sleep regression because they have everything they need and they’re just bored and I mean why not. What else are they going to do this week? They’re too young to go clubbing. Simulate the clubbing environment at home by incorporating ecstasy and glowsticks into your bedtime routine. 

Six week sleep regression

At around six weeks old your baby will have a sleep regression because they have discovered sound. This sleep regression can be handled by playing music and not playing music and talking loudly while whispering very quietly – depending on what works for your baby. A good trick is to play music loudly and if your child goes to sleep then always play music forever for the rest of your life. If you play music loudly and they cry, then never ever listen to music again.

Eight week sleep regression

At around eight weeks old your baby will have a sleep regression because the equinox has unbalanced their aural waves. Summon the energy of the great crystal god Trevalanis, create a circle out of amber beads and stand in the middle of it naked. Ignore your neighbours yelling at you to put some clothes on. They’re not enlightened like you.

10-12 week sleep regression

At around 10 to 12 weeks old your baby will have a sleep regression because they are trapped in a hysterical spiral of existential crisis. You must read the works of Ayn Rand to them while wearing ceremonial robes. Until they understand Objectivism they’re just not going to get through this period.

Four month sleep regression

At around four months old your baby will suddenly realise that their buggy is second-hand. This will cause a sleep regression. There’s not a great deal you can do regarding this sleep regression, but it should only last around four to 48 weeks.

Five month sleep regression

At five months old your baby will have a sleep regression because you put them in a jolly jumper even though that woman on the internet told you not to. You can’t take it back and that’s on you.

Six month sleep regression

At around six months old your baby will have a sleep regression because they have discovered they have feet. In most regions in New Zealand it’s not acceptable to surgically remove a child’s feet so it’s best to just leave them, but you could cover them – say in a pair of socks or a blanket washed in the tears of a mother who hasn’t slept in six months.

Seven month sleep regression

At around seven to 22 months old your baby will discover they don’t actually need to sleep. With the power of Satan they’re able to exist without rest. This is a special time and you should Cherish Every Moment.

Eight month sleep regression

At around eight months old your baby will be eating solids. Which will cause a sleep regression. Though not feeding them will make them tired, it will also make them cranky. So sadly, this isn’t the way to deal with this sleep regression. The best way to handle the eight months to two years sleep regression is to drink a lot of alcohol between the hours of 9pm and 11.30pm.

Nine month sleep regression 

At around nine months old your baby should be finished with the eight month sleep regression which carried on from the seven month sleep regression. The nine month sleep regression is just for fun, and it’s a great way to carry you through to the ten month sleep regression.

Ten month sleep regression

At around 10 months old your baby will be getting ready to turn one. As preparation for this they’re going to continue to not sleep so they can also not sleep after their birthday. This is a way of reminding you that you’re never going to sleep again. It’s the most gentle sleep regression and is really just a gift from your child who definitely isn’t the personification of evil.

11 month sleep regression

At around 11 months old your baby will have a growth spurt. They’ve been having growth spurts their whole lives but inexplicably the growth spurt they have at 11 months is behind this sleep regression that is definitely a thing and not something someone on the internet made up. The best way to deal with this is to howl at the moon at 3am every day for eight days.

12 month sleep regression

At around 12 months old your baby is a one year old! Isn’t that magical? This causes a sleep regression, because of course it does.

13 to 16 month sleep regression

From 13 to 16 months old your baby will have a sleep regression because they are committed to having sleep regressions.

17-19 months sleep regression

Your baby is walking! Maybe. Whether they are walking or not, you’re getting a sleep regression. Because waking up six thousand times a night helps them walk or something.

20 months sleep regression

At 20 months old your child will have a sleep regression because you swaddled them when they were a baby. If you didn’t swaddle them, they will also have a sleep regression. The best way to get through this sleep regression is to swaddle yourself.

21 month sleep regression

At 21 months old your child will have a sleep regression because fuck you.

23 month sleep regression

At 23 months old your child will have a sleep regression to protest the patriarchal gender norms that dictate our lives.

Two year old sleep regression

At two years old your child will have a sleep regression to celebrate two years of you never sleeping.

Congratulations! You made it two years! The good news is that you should only have 10-287 more sleep regressions until they’re teenagers and refuse to get out of bed.