This is so good Emily! I’m no expert, but I have three teenage boys and thus far we have escaped mostly unscathed and I just say to people to be interested in what your kids are interested in/doing. I 100% do not want to listen to boring game chat over the dinner table, but because I have always been open and interested, they tend to tell me about what is happening online for them, and they listen to what is happening online for me - my husband plays one of those dumb matching games so I’ll say “did you save the king yet?” to him, and then I’ll say “what’s new in Honkai Star rail?” to the 14 year old and I just like, give them the benefit of the doubt and have enough faith in the way we do relationships in our family that they’ll come to me if they’re worried about something? Plus we live in the sticks.
Yes! My son has had to have a smartphone for a long time now (I know I'm the worst person on the planet according to Some Guy) and honestly it's been fine. We have had HEAPS of talks and put safeguards in, we have revisited safeguards - and the thing that has worked most is as you say - being interested. And making sure he knows he can come to us and share what's going on. And he has. That matters to me as a parent that our child feels safe with us. Because the research is clear that shaming your child doesn't work and neither does removing devices until they're 18.
Thanks, this is great and very much in line with what I've heard from many parents who have raised kids and seemed to have avoided the worst pitfalls.
I read an article a while back on "why you shouldn't spy on your kids". Of course I immediately ran to spy on my kid (then young teen). It feels tricky. On one hand you want to build trust, on the other they can't be expected to be aware of everything that might be harmful. Or they might be being bullied (or be a bully!) and have no way to tell you.
But the most difficult reason is that you often are not spying on your own kid, but all the kids your kid is conversing with. What if you find out something about another family that's awkward? ("Dad's too drunk to drive me to your place" or "I'll check with Mum later as she's locked in the bedroom with her tennis coach for some reason"). I still think about that even now it's moot for our family. In fact given this age of AI Generated misinformation there's actually a case for our young adult son to be spying on us as he's probably better at spotting it.
Yes! So tricky! I make it clear to my kids I will read their chats and we talk about how it's about safety right now and if they get to a point where they don't want me to read them we will address it again. Because at 11 I think (even though he would never say it) that my son likes the safety net of me seeing comments and also coming to him and saying "hey it seems like X is having a hard time, can I support you through that?". Because he has had friends who have had very real intense stuff going on at home and as a child who has enough food and a roof over his head he's not necessarily equipped to support - but I am. And I have contacted a mum and said "I heard this happened because your child said in the group chat it did - can I support you". It's hard and tricky and I have no idea what teens are like!!!! But it can also be a community builder - like children need spaces to share what is really happening for them. That's a very long way of saying I agree with you haha
Thank you for this!!! It’s early days for my kids having access to anything, but this is such great entry level info for a parent like me, and not scaremongering BS either! Love it.
Thank you! I think it's so insulting to parents to sensationalise or just straight up make shit up about kids online - we already want to keep our kids safe! You don't have to lie and exaggerate and pretend the problem and issues are bigger than a they are - they're big enough! We care already!
This has prompted me to buy a dumb phone so there's something in the house the kids can call 111 on, since landlines are not a thing any more. Maybe it'll still be functional when they eventually need to take a phone with them places (they're currently 0 and 3, they're not going anywhere for a while)
This is amazing, thank you so much! some of these I had already done, some I had no idea you could do. I know that I've had a good play with one of our laptops, but not that of my 13-year-old, so I should probably talk to him about installing some tools. Thank you.
Emily, I was terrified by That Guy. I’m old but still can’t uncondition myself to listen when men shout with authority. Would you mind if I shared a link to this?
This is so good Emily! I’m no expert, but I have three teenage boys and thus far we have escaped mostly unscathed and I just say to people to be interested in what your kids are interested in/doing. I 100% do not want to listen to boring game chat over the dinner table, but because I have always been open and interested, they tend to tell me about what is happening online for them, and they listen to what is happening online for me - my husband plays one of those dumb matching games so I’ll say “did you save the king yet?” to him, and then I’ll say “what’s new in Honkai Star rail?” to the 14 year old and I just like, give them the benefit of the doubt and have enough faith in the way we do relationships in our family that they’ll come to me if they’re worried about something? Plus we live in the sticks.
Yes! My son has had to have a smartphone for a long time now (I know I'm the worst person on the planet according to Some Guy) and honestly it's been fine. We have had HEAPS of talks and put safeguards in, we have revisited safeguards - and the thing that has worked most is as you say - being interested. And making sure he knows he can come to us and share what's going on. And he has. That matters to me as a parent that our child feels safe with us. Because the research is clear that shaming your child doesn't work and neither does removing devices until they're 18.
Thanks, this is great and very much in line with what I've heard from many parents who have raised kids and seemed to have avoided the worst pitfalls.
I read an article a while back on "why you shouldn't spy on your kids". Of course I immediately ran to spy on my kid (then young teen). It feels tricky. On one hand you want to build trust, on the other they can't be expected to be aware of everything that might be harmful. Or they might be being bullied (or be a bully!) and have no way to tell you.
But the most difficult reason is that you often are not spying on your own kid, but all the kids your kid is conversing with. What if you find out something about another family that's awkward? ("Dad's too drunk to drive me to your place" or "I'll check with Mum later as she's locked in the bedroom with her tennis coach for some reason"). I still think about that even now it's moot for our family. In fact given this age of AI Generated misinformation there's actually a case for our young adult son to be spying on us as he's probably better at spotting it.
Yes! So tricky! I make it clear to my kids I will read their chats and we talk about how it's about safety right now and if they get to a point where they don't want me to read them we will address it again. Because at 11 I think (even though he would never say it) that my son likes the safety net of me seeing comments and also coming to him and saying "hey it seems like X is having a hard time, can I support you through that?". Because he has had friends who have had very real intense stuff going on at home and as a child who has enough food and a roof over his head he's not necessarily equipped to support - but I am. And I have contacted a mum and said "I heard this happened because your child said in the group chat it did - can I support you". It's hard and tricky and I have no idea what teens are like!!!! But it can also be a community builder - like children need spaces to share what is really happening for them. That's a very long way of saying I agree with you haha
Thank you for this!!! It’s early days for my kids having access to anything, but this is such great entry level info for a parent like me, and not scaremongering BS either! Love it.
Is it scaremongering or fearmongering? Either way, it’s neither
Thank you! I think it's so insulting to parents to sensationalise or just straight up make shit up about kids online - we already want to keep our kids safe! You don't have to lie and exaggerate and pretend the problem and issues are bigger than a they are - they're big enough! We care already!
This has prompted me to buy a dumb phone so there's something in the house the kids can call 111 on, since landlines are not a thing any more. Maybe it'll still be functional when they eventually need to take a phone with them places (they're currently 0 and 3, they're not going anywhere for a while)
So great
This is super helpful!
Thank you Joy!
Excellent advice. I'll be sharing this with my daughter for her tamariki
Thank you!
Our kid's are still pretty young, but they're growing up fast. This is just the kind of advice I want, thank you!!
Yay! So glad!
This is amazing, thank you so much! some of these I had already done, some I had no idea you could do. I know that I've had a good play with one of our laptops, but not that of my 13-year-old, so I should probably talk to him about installing some tools. Thank you.
I'm so glad it's helpful! I learned stuff too!
Emily, I was terrified by That Guy. I’m old but still can’t uncondition myself to listen when men shout with authority. Would you mind if I shared a link to this?
Please share I would love that!!