Something different...

It did not spark joy.

Welcome to Emily Writes Weekly in what would usually be Friday Night Chats. If you’re on Instagram you’ll know I’m unfortunately having a bit of a time. It has been five years since my last depressive episode and I’ve been struck down with the bad D (instead of the good D lol) again.

BUT - I am doing OK (I promise) and am extremely thankful for your kind words. Depression and anxiety is something I’ve lived with since I was very young. I have an amazing support network and I have professionals on hand including an amazing therapist and an awesome GP. As soon as I realised I was falling I told my husband and he talked to my therapist and booked a GP appointment. This was earlier in the week and I’m already doing much better, using all of the tools I’ve been able to develop over the many years I’ve lived with an anxiety disorder with a side of clinical depression.

I have taken a week off from the newsletter as I’ve needed to focus on my recovery. But thankfully my hilarious and brilliant friend Vee has written something for you to enjoy tonight.

Thank you again for the kind words. I’ll be back next week and I appreciate your support x

Things I have bought in the lockdown to make me feel better about lockdown.

In Lockdown Original Flavour, our national treasure Chris Parker made this video and once a week ever since then I have muttered I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY SHIPPING IS TAKING SO LONG.

chrisparker11

A post shared by @chrisparker11

Obviously capitalism has poisoned my brain because we went into lockdown and pretty much immediately I was like: what can I fucking buy to give my dumb brain five seconds of dopamine.

Don't tell my therapist  -- she thinks my impulse control is under control and stuff.

Between you and I, here’s a: Possibly Incomplete List of the Things I Have Put in my Shopping Cart this Lockdown:

1. A terry-cloth pink and green sweatsuit from a bougie linen bedding brand

The description on the website said: “Our debut terry apparel range is a playful take on a classic, inspired by 80s style icons rocking terry for an après-ski session followed by a fondue chaser.”

My thoughts: Oh yeah I'll look so CUTE I'm wearing nothing but sweatpants and hoodies anyway what if they just MATCHED and were LOUNGEWEAR oh my god I am going to be a cosy little genius and it won't even MATTER when I am in video calls and have clearly not washed my hair in the last three days.

Did it spark joy? No. My butt is too big for the trackpants to fit in a comfortably slouchy Cool Girl way and also it is made of fucking terry-cloth, a material that should stay in the towel section and which also seems to be specifically manufactured for my cat's claws to get stuck on and immediately ruin about half an hour after I first put it on.

2. A Workshop sweatshirt, colour: natural, style: Aotearoa embroidery in gothic font, size: XL

Why am I so obsessed with The Perfect Sweatshirt and why will I never find it except for the time I bought a really gay NASA hoodie at the Christchurch recycle boutique for seven dollars?

Anyway this sweatshirt is really nice quality and I think it'll be great and spark quite a lot of joy, however, huge qualification here: How am I genuinely incapable of assessing my own size against a website size chart and the drop-down menu selection?

Did it spark joy? Pending. Once I exchange this for an L I'll probably wear it quite a lot I guess…

3. An expensive liquor order from Moore Wilson online

Me, four days into lockdown: Oh look I feel like it's sort of...defeating the spirit of lockdown to order contact-free delivery alcohol. Like is that really ESSENTIAL?? I don't want to expose the courier drivers to shit just because I personally could do with a gin?

Me, two weeks into lockdown: It is 12.53am and I am spending two hundred dollars on gin AND whisky AND fancy tonic mixers because good God I could really do with a gin.

Did it spark joy? Obviously getting drunk is in the spirit of lockdown and I do not regret this in the slightest. Joy sparked.

4. Serious Popcorn sweet and salty popcorn

I bought this in the shop (not online because I'm our household's designated grocery shopper) and my partner said: “You got us...fancy popcorn with a bear on the packet? Okay, odd choice” and then we hooned the lot and I wrote down on our grocery list - “popcorn: four bags”.

My justification: I just think it's extremely important to have snacks in lockdown, like more snacks than you think you'll want, especially if you are by habit an Ingredients House, and this popcorn has been there for me at every opportunity including but not limited to:

• Watching my partner play Legend of Zelda because I PERSONALLY have no interest in playing a video game but I do enjoy seeing the little man run around. 

• Desperately manifesting an attention span while sitting at my dining table desk set up because the work doesn't stop. Sometimes shovelling popcorn into my mouth keeps my brain going.

• Lying on the couch listlessly and dramatically sighing while shouting: “I just don't want to do ANYTHING.” 

Side note: In a list of “posts that live rent-free in your head” - this one is definitely up there:

Did it spark joy? Yes. Buy this popcorn, you won't regret it. It's basically health food.

5. Proper Crisps Cheez-a-peno Tortilla Chips

The paragraph above? It applies here too. Corn chips are the best chips and these are the best corn chips and they're also vegan so again, they’re probably health food.

Did it spark joy? Yes, yes, yes.

6. Champion marble-print tracksuit

Having not learned a damn thing from the lounge-wear debacle, I spent three days researching sports brands to find a cool matching sweatshirt-joggers set. Looking at sports brands is weird because it reminds me some people wear leggings to go to the gym not to lie on the couch and watch Tiktok for five hours.

Did it spark joy? I don't know whether it'll spark any joy because it's shipping from Australia and therefore it will arrive in about one thousand years.

7. Louisiana-style frozen chicken tenders

I got really pathetic one night and all I wanted was chicken nuggets and all we had was eggplant and green beans because we are a fucking Ingredients Household.

So I bought these because APPARENTLY they taste like KFC, and like yeah maybe they do but like...the bad parts of KFC, not the sparks joy parts of KFC? Is the sparks joy bit the bit where you don't have to cook it??? I dunno, my favourite thing at KFC is the chips.

Did it spark joy? Absolutely not. Don't buy these. Just get chicken nuggets.

8. Commes des Garcon x Converse sneakers

I didn't buy these. I put them in the shopping cart and sat there for twenty minutes vacillating between “God I want these, I've wanted them for so long” and “they are way more expensive than a pair of Converse should be”. Then I left the website without buying them.

Did it spark joy? I’ll never know.

9. Some shit at Mecca I don't fucking know…

Next in the “I put this in my cart and then I didn't buy it” category is like three hundred dollars of skincare and makeup from Mecca.

My thoughts: Maybe if I get this hourglass concealer I'll just wear concealer and then I won't have to put on makeup for Zoom!

And then I just didn't put makeup on for zoom anyway. 

Side note: Tiktok makeup girls put on so much concealer AS WELL as foundation even though they're also making fun of 2016 makeup trends like heavy concealer, and is that what we're doing now? We're out here putting concealer under our eyes and pretending it won't crease into our fine lines within approximately three nanoseconds? Are we doing cream contour now? I have so many eye-shadow palettes from 2016, like do you know how much the naked3 palette costs, and now Zoomers are saying pink eye-shadow is cheugy?

They're probably right though and also if we're not putting on eye-shadow anymore that's fine ‘cos I don't. 

Did it spark joy? Sigh.

10. A sweatshirt from the merch store of an Australian Tiktok musical comedian

Wow I really am obsessed with the perfect sweatshirt.

Did it spark joy? It hasn't even arrived yet because it's also shipping from Australia but it's already sparking joy because every time I remember I bought it I also think about the Tiktok the guy made.

Watch it here because you can’t embed them on Substack for some reason.

Still, somehow I've come out the end having saved some money anyway so I guess I'll go donate to the orgs helping people doing it tough. And also: Buy a lot more popcorn and chicken nuggets.

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY SHIPPING IS TAKING SO LONG.

How are you coping with lockdown? What have you been buying or pretending to buy?

Thank you so much Vee xx You’re the best xx