The rules for Christmas don't apply
From my eight year old
I adore Christmas but I always found it stressful until we started changing the way we do things to better support our youngest child.
We thought we were changing things for him, but really - throwing the social rules out the window has been great for not just us, but our extended whānau too.
I've gone from hashtag stressed to hashtag blessed (look I’m an influencer!) thanks to our youngest and I’ve learned new ways to enjoy Christmas.
I thought I would share these lessons from my eight-year-old, as I know a lot of us are feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.
Obviously, not all of these will be things you can do in your whare. But I really think even if you can just adopt one thing it might help.
So, let's go!
Set roles for Christmas
My son loves everyone to have a role and everyone to be clear about what their role is. This way he knows exactly what is expected of him and he can negotiate doing things that fill his cup, rather than things that overwhelm him.
Since we’re adults, chances are we will have to do some things over Christmas that do not fill our cups. Like putting children to bed who are over-tired, over-stimulated, and over-excited.
But - we can focus on what will be the least stressful thing for us. Doing this helps remove resentment too. For example, in our whare - my husband does all of the cooking because my attention span is terrifyingly short and so I burn everything. I do all the gift-buying and wrapping. My eldest’s job is to get all of the Christmas wrap and put it in the bin, set the table, and load the dishwasher. My little one’s job is to hand out the presents and Christmas crackers and play Christmas songs.
Work out everything that has to be done, then try to equitably give everyone jobs (not equal, equitable - as in some folks won’t have big jobs because they’re small humans or elderly humans).
Many of us have had interactions with family members who love to claim they ‘do everything’ and ‘nobody helps me’ as you desperately try to help them - a roles list addresses this. As they say, many hands make light work - and even if you’re having a small Christmas, just knowing what is your responsibility and what isn’t can help.
Know when you’re done
The best thing my kid taught me is that at any social event you can leave at any time and you don’t have to give a reason. You can just be done.
My youngest is the master of ‘I’ve had a very nice time and I’m finished now’. Truly it’s just the best.
Some neurotypicals might think this is rude but it’s actually the opposite - it’s clearly stating that you have had a good time but your social tank is empty and it’s time to go.
It stops meltdowns, adult tantrums, hours and hours of unwanted socialising, exhaustion etc. You just can’t fault it.
If you’re hosting at home, you have two options when you’re done -
Say - ‘It has been so lovely to have you all here. We have takeaway plates on the bench do you want to grab one as you leave’. You can even say - ‘I’m hoping to start my Christmas nap in half an hour’ if you feel like you need to get folks out faster.
Say - ‘I’m going to go to my room for a nap, feel free to help yourself to any food or have a snooze on the couch’.
Trust me, you might think people will be shocked by this but actually, every time my son has said ‘everybody has to leave now’ everyone has been fine with it. Everyone leaves on a high.
So many people have told me it’s actually really nice to just have a hang-out that’s only a few hours long.
You shouldn’t have to entertain people for eight hours. And if you’re staying with them, normalise going off to your room for a kip or to read a book (more on this below).
Just make sure you don’t leave one person with all the clean up - check your roles!
You don’t have to eat everything (or anything) offered
You can decline food with a ‘no thank you’ and not give a lengthy reason why (or any reason why). You can also bring your own food.
You don’t have to explain why your child will only be eating pretzels for lunch. You don’t have to explain why you’re only eating pretzels for lunch. You don’t need to explain why you’re vegan or vegetarian.
If you’re struggling with unwanted comments about your child - a phrase we have used before is: “let’s just enjoy our kai without commenting on who is eating what and why - it makes our meal together better if we’re just kind to each other”.
In our whare, the only rule is that you’re polite. You say ‘No thank you’ if you don’t want something and you don’t yuck somebody’s yum. We also tell our tamariki that they can’t dictate what food is on the table, and they don’t have to eat at the table if the food that’s on it is stressing them out. But they do need to be polite about it. Our youngest is vegetarian and we have spent a long time teaching him not to lecture us and our guests about meat and how disgusting he thinks it is.
Everyone has the right to eat what they want. And everyone has the right to not sit at the dinner table. But you should always show respect to the chef, and thank them for their efforts, even if you’re not eating.
It’s not all on you.
You are not responsible for making Christmas magic or calming any situation. You don’t have to be the peacemaker - you can simply opt out.
Whenever my son feels like there is tension between two people, he will just leave them and go hang out somewhere else.
He’s literally never felt the need to get involved in anything and sometimes thinks I’m nuts if he sees me try to be a peacemaker. It’s in my nature to get involved in things and I’m working on stopping that because it always makes me miserable.
He knows that calming himself can be hard sometimes, so he doesn’t take on the job of calming other people. This is a good lesson. When family haven’t seen each other for a long time, sometimes weird shit can just come out - let them have at it with each other, and go hang out with the dog. It’s not your job to be everything and do everything.
Obviously it is unfortunately your job to calm your own children lol. Pain in the arse but an exception to this rule.
You can say “I don’t want to talk about that I want to talk about the French Revolution”
My son has probably never had a conversation he didn’t want to have. Whereas I’ve sat through the most painful Christmas conversations ever from drunk racist uncles and anti-vaxx conspiracy theorist cousins.
Let me tell you, there’s nothing more liberating than watching my child walk around saying ‘I don’t want to talk about that I want to talk about the population projections for Columbia’. He will literally always find the one person at a BBQ or gathering who also wants to talk about Mozart’s 1781 opera Idomeneo.
He will always have a better time than me. He will be just out there talking about the Tristan da Cunha archipelago and I’ll just be with some Winston Peters fan boy bootlicker asshole simmering with resentment. The bootlicker will be living his best life knowing his family never gives him this much attention and I’ll just be burning with rage, waiting for the chance to escape. Nothing is worse than listening to someone you can’t stand talk about a subject that infuriates you. So we shouldn’t do it!
Learning to just say ‘Let’s change the subject’ has been great for me. I highly recommend it.
You can take a book!
Or knitting. Or whatever you like. If your presence is required or requested at Christmas, then it means whoever is hosting wants you to be there. ‘Being there’ doesn’t mean you need to overexert yourself socialising all day. You can sit on the couch reading once you’ve had a catch-up. Or you can go into another bedroom for a bit to scroll your phone or play a game if you need a few minutes to yourself. You can do whatever you need to do to calm yourself if you’re feeling overwhelmed or it’s too loud.
If you’re feeling like you’re done but you can’t leave, it’s OK to just tap out quietly with a book or go for a walk on your own. Just make sure the chores you’re responsible for are done!
If you have kids, it’s totally OK to say - “the kids are exhausted so they’re going to watch a movie on their screens in the bedroom”. We always have movies downloaded or a favourite book so they can have alone time.
Remember it’s just a day
‘Christmas is a Monday’ is something my youngest told me when I was stressing last week. ‘Boxing Day is a Tuesday New Years Eve is a Sunday. And New Years Day is a Monday OK?’.
OK.
Christmas Day is just a day. If you are able to be with your family, that in itself is enough and a blessing. At a time when there’s so much pain in the world - we are lucky to get to be able to be together on Christmas Day.
But it’s also just a day. If it doesn’t go well, or you have to work, or you have Covid (like we did last Christmas) - it’s OK. It’s just a day. You can have Christmas lunch on Tuesday, or Wednesday, or Thursday.
Christmas Day is just a Day. Don’t let anyone turn it into The Most Important Day of The Year. It’s just a day, and we’re lucky to get to share a day with each other.
Meri Kerihimete and good luck - I'd love to hear what you do to lessen the stress on Christmas Day!
Love Emily (and the kids)
Lovely, lovely piece of writing which I will share with friends and whānau. For anyone reading this comment this is a reminder from your friendly neighbourhood long covid disabled Pākehā Aussie (me) to consider covid mitigations at Christmas and not just for those older family members and those with existing conditions. For everyone. If you have an immune system (I’m assuming you all do) even with up to date vaccination you’re at a 10-20% risk of long covid, and this risk goes up after each reinfection. If you won’t mask or test, at least don’t turn up symptomatic. Disabling a loved one won’t make for a Happy Christmas.
What a wise kid. I consider myself so so lucky to have been welcomed into my partner's family xmases. In the mid-late morning those of us who like cooking start on lunch. Once everything is ready we gorge ourselves on all our favourite foods until we're all borderline comatose. Then we nap/sit in a quiet corner playing phone games. Once we come back to life we have seconds and usually play a boardgame. And once we get hungry we eat pav and go home.
My family xmas is always "All that matters is that everybody has a good time" which sounds great except that it actually means "If you're not having a good time you're ruining christmas for everyone. Cheer the fuck up"