The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives reveals a not so secret secret

Worshipping Capitalism and other miseries

Some people in this world are blessed. They are blessed not to know what the “MomTok Mormon Swinging Scandal” is. They’ve never heard of “MomTok”. They have never heard of “soft-swinging” and they certainly don’t know who Taylor Frankie Paul is. For the rest of us, life has not been so divine.

And with the debut of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives everybody else who loves bad TV (guilty!) is about to learn all about it.

Let’s start with what MomTok actually is. Astonishingly it’s not just US mothers on TikTok. It is specifically Mormon US mums on TikTok from Utah. They all have big teeth, lots of hair, none of their husbands know what a clitoris is, and they like to dance on TikTok.

The dances are both sexual but also the least sexual thing you have ever seen in your life. Which is probably why the MomTok scandal was such a scandal. In June 2022, Taylor Frankie Paul (4 million followers) revealed she was splitting with her husband because a soft-swinging session with the other MomTok mums and dads had turned into a sex session and she’d gone too far.

Apparently their rule was that they could rub but not dub or something - anyway - ESCALANDO! Suddenly everyone was trying to work out which MomTokers were swinging with each other. It was a time! For about 54 seconds it was about all we could think about.

Then we all mostly forgot about it forever until this week when the “documentary” on the scandal dropped. Let’s get this out of the way first - it’s not a doco and there’s barely any talking about who is rooting who if that’s why you are watching.

It also has the most batshit pacing of any show I’ve ever seen in my LIFE. In the first episode:

• all of the Mormon Moms from the now imploded MomTok cult meet up for the first time since the Live TikTok calling them all swingers

• The Queen Mom Tok Mom says she might be pregnant (can she not just take a pregnancy test?)

• Then she says she might be having a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy

• This upsets another Mom Toker because her husband has a porn addiction

• That same Mom Tok Mom wants to be the Queen MomTok Mom and moves back to Utah from Hawaii (why??) with her husband (who was on Tinder but didn’t bang anyone he promises lol)

• Queen Mom Tok Mom then gets drunk and arrested for allegedly attacking her boyfriend whose name is Dakota.

This all happens in 47 minutes and ten minutes of that is all of the women wearing matching coats and holding hands while walking outside the church in Utah.

The next episode is ELEVEN MONTHS LATER?!?!

At the beginning of the second episode we find out the Queen Mom Tok Mom is pregnant and the other Mom Tokkers are talking about how they “want Mom Tok to be Mom Tok” whatever that means.

There are the briefest moments of the following episodes that hint at deeper conversations about gender roles, class, purity culture, and gender norms. But as quickly as they’re raised, they’re shut down.

There are earnest attempts to frame MomTok as being about breaking gender norms and changing how the world sees women, how women see each other, and how Mormon women follow or don’t follow gender norms.

But let’s be real - MomTok is about capitalism.

The show is a fascinating insight into what type of people long to be influencers. The narcissism is on full display. That to me is more interesting than the Mormon angle (though I am sure Mormons everywhere are just like - “Can you please leave us out of this?”). Mormonism only really comes up when the women want to police each other.

Ultimately, the reason why these women are showing their worst selves to the world is for brand deals. Everything comes down to brand deals and followings.

It’s about making money and continuing a lifestyle that despite all of the trappings of materialistic excess is miserable. So miserable that you search for escapism by not getting an orgasm from your friend’s husband and then talking about it online.

It’s vapid, uninspiring, embarrassing and just wildly cringe. There’s nothing these women won’t say on camera. They say things you couldn’t waterboard out of me - even though I’m an oversharer from way back.

So is it worth watching? Look, in the year of our lord 2024, let’s not pretend we aren’t all watching a lot of garbage. A lot. And it’s not really any better or worse than whatever true crime dross we are consuming.

It is possible that The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives might eventually become something more than boring posturing about who is popular on TikTok. But that does feel unlikely.

Ultimately it feels like you could make the same series about Stanley Mom Cup Tok or Fancy Ice Mom Tok or any other TikTok community that worships capitalism then sells it as empowerment.

There’s only so many beige outfits and balloon arches anyone can cope with. The great secret in the secret lives of these women is the secret of all influencers - scratch the surface and there’s just nothing underneath but a desire to sell you shit you don’t need.

Ultimately The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives is showing how the sausage is made. Except by now we all know, and we’ve not just seen the sausage being made, we’ve seen the behind the scenes of it being made - and it’s sadly just not very exciting.