Top 5 TV shows more depressing than the current state of the world

Wallowing in self-pity? I got you!

Sydney is facing another four weeks (at least) in lockdown. People are protesting lockdown by creating super-spreader protest events to extend lockdowns. The travel bubble is closed. The baby orca died. Piers Morgan still exists. The US Capitol Terrorism hearings are as grim as you’d expect them to be. Wildfires are causing 'disaster without precedence' in Sardinia, there are floods in China and torrential rains and landslides in India. It’s all terrible.

Even JLO and Ben Affleck recreating the ass picture from Jenny from the Block is not enough to stop the relentless feeling that the world is going to Hell and there’s nothing we can do about it.

So good, but not enough.

So, when I feel like this I like to pretend I’m a dirty mole (not a reach) and burrow under the covers and watch some television that is so thoroughly soul shattering that I momentarily forget how terrible all the things are, and instead just focus on the one awful thing.

So I present to you: The top 5 things you can watch on TV right now to really compound your crushing despair and hopelessness! My treat!

Dr Death on TVNZ on Demand

I will watch anything with Joshua Jackson in it because as a young’un I was hopelessly devoted to Pacey. Let’s just say Dr Death has ruined me ever finding Joshua Jackson attractive again. If you’re planning on having surgery ever - don’t watch Dr Death. It tells the story of Dr. Christopher Duntsch, a man who was quite possibly the worst surgeon to ever walk the earth (and that includes the ones in ye olden times who just blew coke up your butt to cure your broken leg). It’s a damning indictment of the medical systems we have that allow surgeons to behave as Gods without consequence in the name of the almighty dollar.

Rating: 10 dead baby ducklings run over by a double decker bus as their mum duck watches.

The Handmaids Tale on Neon

You know it’s going to be bad just by the premise right? Fertility rates have dropped world-wide. So there’s a war. The United States becomes Gilead. Women are split into those who can get pregnant, those who cannot, and those who have rich husbands. The ones who can get pregnant are sex slaves designed to be impregnated and carry offspring for the rich ones. The women who can’t get pregnant and don’t have rich husbands get banished to work as slaves. Everyone wears robes.

The thing that’s fascinating is just how fucking awful they made the awfulness. You almost have to admire the ability of the writers to say - you know what? She hasn’t been through enough. What if she gets hit by a train as well? I mean. The fuck?

Rating: Call your therapist and schedule an appointment for after you watch it.

If Anything Happens I love You on Netflix

How can something that’s only 12 minutes long completely crush you? I mean it’s animated so I really thought it wouldn’t destroy me as much as it did. It really did.

Rating: You know how the third day after you give birth your hormones go wild and you like cry for 24 whole hours? This feels worse.

Greta Thunberg: A Year To Change the World on TVNZ on Demand

Greta Thunberg hates us and we should hate us too. Watch three hour-long episodes about how we’ve completely let down this wonderful kid and then when that doesn’t feel bad enough, consider that every child is Greta Thunberg and we’ve stolen their future and there’s nothing we can do about it because we can use all the paper straws available but seventy percent of the world’s greenhouse gas emissions over the previous two decades are attributable to just 100 fossil fuel producers, one-third are from just 20 companies. Chevron, Exxon, BP and Shell are behind more than 10% of the world’s carbon emissions since 1965. Deforestation accounts for anything from 5.7% of emissions to 20% of emissions depending on who you ask. We are all going to burn.

Rating: 200 wildfires killing every last koala slowly and painfully while you watch from a glass dome that you can’t escape from.

The White Lotus on Neon

It’s like The White Lotus perfectly encapsulates where we are in the world with greed and selfishness. You know that story that did the rounds online from that woman who said she was at work in a retail store and another woman refused to put on a mask and her explanation for not wearing one was “there’s nobody here”? That’s The White Lotus. Invisible workers. Rich assholes. A theme song designed to give you severe anxiety.

Rating: 70 baby turtles dying from human diseases because tourists keep rubbing them.

Now your turn! Share the most painfully depressing shows you’ve consumed this month. Let’s go!