I think this is one of the best things you've ever written. It really resonated.
My husband was raised by a mother who suffers from a very profound mental illness, that she has never managed to recover from. And can you believe it... She was and still is a loving mother. They have a close relationship. He can trust her totally. He functions as well as any healthy adult does. He knows she is sick and he worries and cares for her like anyone would with a sick parent. But she didn't break him or traumatise him. He is more loving, and a more empathetic person than anyone I've ever met. He grew up knowing that all people are vulnerable and need to be given a helping hand sometimes. He never expects people to "soldier on" when they're not well, or judges them for needing to cry, or to rest.
If anyone reading this worries that they are fucking their children up by being a mentally unwell person (either now or in the past or future) please know that the care you have for your children transcends everything. And that your illness is not who you are as a person, or as a mother. There is so much more to you. And your children know that too.
Thankyou Emily, this is so important and such a brilliant post - how are we showing up for the mother? Stop talking over her. Hell, so often health pros don't even call mothers by their name, they just call her 'mum' as though she isn't a real person any more. So many ways we can show up, let's spread your message far and wide. And let's hope people listen and ACT!
Having a mother or parent report feelings of anxiety and depression and then being put on a wait list! No! There should be no wait list for a parents needing mental health care. You get covid and the GPs and public health are ringing and offering you immediate support. This is how it should be for parents with new babies who are struggling.
I agree with this article so strongly I just paid you $100. Keep fighting the good fight Emily. If dads were forced to take half the paid paternity leave (like in some countries overseas) I think it would help solve a lot of issues.
It's been over a decade since I've had little ones but this still hits me in the guts, how everything is twisted to be the mother's fault as if we aren't all carrying the weight of EVERYTHING all the time.
God, the way they centre everyone else instead of the mum is just disgusting!! Why focus on that, and not all of the things that are making the mum struggle.
My SIL recently gave birth to twins, which is the first grandchild in our family. After reading your writing for years, mum and I are doing our absolute best to support her without smothering her, we always mention things we've remembered. You make a difference in the world.
Clicked and read that bloody interview –!!!!!! The bit that focused my fury was the one about signalling to your baby that the world is a safe place to be. What about the many mothers for whom it isn’t! How is that supposed to work? At what cost? So please, prompt, accessible, effective help focussed on the mother in the middle of it. But also tackle the other end of the misery supply chain - all the societal inequities and pressures and harms that dump the most hurt on those who are in vulnerable positions for whatever reason. Did I imagine that the interview implied that a distressed mother’s sense of being unsafe was essentially a delusion? That the perception that world might not be so safe was always and obviously a product of “unwellness”? Anxiety, to take just one kind of distress, is a way of reacting to threat - not necessarily a fictional threat factory. Treating it can make some threats feel more manageable, and even banish the odd one; but it won’t make unpayable bills go away, and far too often it will add another one to the pile.
Fuck, yeah. I'd never thought about it like this. But that's what I love about your writing, Emily - you always make me think about things differently. And, fuck yeah - Let's look after our mothers, and for their sake, not just the sake of their babies.
Such a great post. A decade later and I still have memories of all the entitled people who showed up to 'meet the baby', including family members, who expected tea and cake and to hold and tickle and kiss the baby even if I'd just finally gotten her to fall asleep. People who commented on my messy house. One of the best supports I found was Mothers' Network in Wellington, where someone made me a hot drink and held the baby so I could actually drink my tea, and where I could safely talk about how I felt about it all – everything! My Mothers' Network friends are still my best friends today.
Shit, this is depressing and anxiety inducing. I'm not a mum and not here to take over Mums' space, but my heart hurts. I had a meeting with HR today about why my PMDD being exacerbated by perimenopause doesn't mean I'm not a valuable worker, even if I have to work from home more than the preferred maximum two days a week. The mental health of people with ovaries and uteruses is constantly undermined and even exacerbated by professionals with good intentions. I could scream.
Emily, this post makes me feel so seen. I didn’t want to tell anyone how I was feeling during pregnancy and after I had my first because I had read all those articles about how PND can affect your baby’s health and development. I felt like if I owned up to the way I felt then I was also owning up to fucking up my child. When I have said this to people recently (I have really only just started openly talking to people about it 8 years later!), I generally hear ‘oh but we tell people that so that they get help early’.
A) What help??
and B) It didn’t work like that for me and surely I’m not the only one!!
I’m in Australia so I’m not sure of the differences but I wish all those ‘maternal and child health’ appointments were a bit more focussed on the maternal and a bit less so on the child to be honest, like where is my green book charting my progress haha
I think this is one of the best things you've ever written. It really resonated.
My husband was raised by a mother who suffers from a very profound mental illness, that she has never managed to recover from. And can you believe it... She was and still is a loving mother. They have a close relationship. He can trust her totally. He functions as well as any healthy adult does. He knows she is sick and he worries and cares for her like anyone would with a sick parent. But she didn't break him or traumatise him. He is more loving, and a more empathetic person than anyone I've ever met. He grew up knowing that all people are vulnerable and need to be given a helping hand sometimes. He never expects people to "soldier on" when they're not well, or judges them for needing to cry, or to rest.
If anyone reading this worries that they are fucking their children up by being a mentally unwell person (either now or in the past or future) please know that the care you have for your children transcends everything. And that your illness is not who you are as a person, or as a mother. There is so much more to you. And your children know that too.
Thankyou Emily, this is so important and such a brilliant post - how are we showing up for the mother? Stop talking over her. Hell, so often health pros don't even call mothers by their name, they just call her 'mum' as though she isn't a real person any more. So many ways we can show up, let's spread your message far and wide. And let's hope people listen and ACT!
Having a mother or parent report feelings of anxiety and depression and then being put on a wait list! No! There should be no wait list for a parents needing mental health care. You get covid and the GPs and public health are ringing and offering you immediate support. This is how it should be for parents with new babies who are struggling.
I agree with this article so strongly I just paid you $100. Keep fighting the good fight Emily. If dads were forced to take half the paid paternity leave (like in some countries overseas) I think it would help solve a lot of issues.
It's been over a decade since I've had little ones but this still hits me in the guts, how everything is twisted to be the mother's fault as if we aren't all carrying the weight of EVERYTHING all the time.
God, the way they centre everyone else instead of the mum is just disgusting!! Why focus on that, and not all of the things that are making the mum struggle.
My SIL recently gave birth to twins, which is the first grandchild in our family. After reading your writing for years, mum and I are doing our absolute best to support her without smothering her, we always mention things we've remembered. You make a difference in the world.
Clicked and read that bloody interview –!!!!!! The bit that focused my fury was the one about signalling to your baby that the world is a safe place to be. What about the many mothers for whom it isn’t! How is that supposed to work? At what cost? So please, prompt, accessible, effective help focussed on the mother in the middle of it. But also tackle the other end of the misery supply chain - all the societal inequities and pressures and harms that dump the most hurt on those who are in vulnerable positions for whatever reason. Did I imagine that the interview implied that a distressed mother’s sense of being unsafe was essentially a delusion? That the perception that world might not be so safe was always and obviously a product of “unwellness”? Anxiety, to take just one kind of distress, is a way of reacting to threat - not necessarily a fictional threat factory. Treating it can make some threats feel more manageable, and even banish the odd one; but it won’t make unpayable bills go away, and far too often it will add another one to the pile.
Fuck, yeah. I'd never thought about it like this. But that's what I love about your writing, Emily - you always make me think about things differently. And, fuck yeah - Let's look after our mothers, and for their sake, not just the sake of their babies.
Thankyou Emily ❤️
Thankyou Emily. You hit the nail on the head as usual.
Thank you for writing this x
Thank you Emily x
Such a great post. A decade later and I still have memories of all the entitled people who showed up to 'meet the baby', including family members, who expected tea and cake and to hold and tickle and kiss the baby even if I'd just finally gotten her to fall asleep. People who commented on my messy house. One of the best supports I found was Mothers' Network in Wellington, where someone made me a hot drink and held the baby so I could actually drink my tea, and where I could safely talk about how I felt about it all – everything! My Mothers' Network friends are still my best friends today.
Shit, this is depressing and anxiety inducing. I'm not a mum and not here to take over Mums' space, but my heart hurts. I had a meeting with HR today about why my PMDD being exacerbated by perimenopause doesn't mean I'm not a valuable worker, even if I have to work from home more than the preferred maximum two days a week. The mental health of people with ovaries and uteruses is constantly undermined and even exacerbated by professionals with good intentions. I could scream.
Emily, this post makes me feel so seen. I didn’t want to tell anyone how I was feeling during pregnancy and after I had my first because I had read all those articles about how PND can affect your baby’s health and development. I felt like if I owned up to the way I felt then I was also owning up to fucking up my child. When I have said this to people recently (I have really only just started openly talking to people about it 8 years later!), I generally hear ‘oh but we tell people that so that they get help early’.
A) What help??
and B) It didn’t work like that for me and surely I’m not the only one!!
I’m in Australia so I’m not sure of the differences but I wish all those ‘maternal and child health’ appointments were a bit more focussed on the maternal and a bit less so on the child to be honest, like where is my green book charting my progress haha