Just a little additional education in case it is helpful for others. Many regions of Te Whatu Ora have a Cancer Support Team which is staffed by social workers and psychologists to provide support. Ask your oncologist or community nurse for a referral. The Cancer Society offers free counseling for patients and their family/whānau. (more info here https://www.cancer.org.nz/how-we-can-help/support-we-offer/psychology-and-counselling/) One of my personal favorite resources is Cancer Connect NZ [0800 CANCER (226 237)], a service that will connect you with a peer who had a similar cancer experience to you.
Even with a partner, family and many friends cancer can prove to be a lonely experience. My husband didn’t cope well, it felt like I was supporting him more than the other way around. Having had my own mother die from the same cancer while I was in my teens, I felt empathy and tried to ease the burden my loved ones carried. Maybe that was my downfall - I didn’t want them to have the experience I had caring for my mother, my dad (who also didn’t cope well) and my brothers who seemed to believe it was my role to be the supporter and one who gave up their own life to care. Many friends fell by the wayside but the unexpected brilliance was from the handful of people I had considered more acquaintances, who became my true friends sharing the black humour I embraced to cope and the practical things like driving me to treatment when I no longer could.
But the child with a drug problem continued to manipulate me, the child who felt hard done by extended more of the same, the “rah rah” people made me their project, the alternative ones bombarded me with their ideas for a cure (and were highly miffed when I said, “No thanks”)
So, after my ramble, my advice to anyone who has a person they know with cancer is - I know it’s hard to say the right thing, but the only wrong thing to say is nothing.
I couldn’t include everything Rachael from the Cancer Society said but she did talk about how some people fighting cancer end up supporting others and almost counselling them through it ❤️ thank you for sharing and great advice
Thank you so much for this. I was diagnosed with bowel cancer last year, also at 47. I am fine now after surgery, fingers crossed. But please, e hoa mā, if you notice ANYTHING wrong with what you see in the loo or your usual bowel habits, please see your GP. Don't let fear put you off knowing.
Thanks for this Em. The part about assuming people will be supportive really struck me - we are super lucky to have amazing support from family, friends and Child Cancer, but I’m still fucking salty about the people I considered close friends who I’ve barely heard from since Esme was diagnosed. Why are people so weird about cancer?
I so hear you x not even remotely the same as cancer but I was devastated when people didn’t check in when Eddie was diagnosed with T1. I talked to a lot of my friends from the ward and we wondered if it’s this sick kid phenomenon where your child has been in hospital so much they just think you’re used to it or something. Either way it’s pretty horrible 😔 also people only want to hear about a resolution eh? Like people say “is he all better now?” Like uhhhh
I’ve had a friend use Support Crew - and when I read this I thought that it was just randoms that could show up as well and thought “ooo I’d do that (when my kids are a bit older perhaps….!)”
Ooof. An excellent article and reminder to do better for those around us - and christ can we please sort out a better system of NGOs in Aotearoa…
I was amazed at the friends that fell away when my dad was diagnosed - and then even more so the ones that disappeared on my mum after he died. People who’d been friends for more than 20 years just slipped away seemingly not knowing what to do - when all they had to do was show up.
I think about this regularly, as someone living with cancer and a supportive partner and community. Even navigating the health system and advocating for yourself can be super a challenging thing. To do so on your own...
So much gratitude to the NGOs working in this space and the people who check in. Cancer can be such an isolating experience.
I think about this every time someone talks about “the group chat” as if everyone has one. Quite a large percentage of the world is lonely before something bad even happens.
Seriously?! Here’s a business model that sprang to mind: a shareholder funded company that employs people forced to work in unreasonable circumstances to research and advocate for more reasonable policy! I know it submits to the stinky ideas but if it ensures that someone in need does not lose their benefit nor suffers penalties….
This is such an eye opening read - I hadn’t realised there was such a stigma around cancer. It’s wonderful that there’s groups like the cancer society that can help but so so shitty that they’re not properly funded (and I guess things will only get worse over the fuckery of the next 3 years). So much aroha to Amy ❤️
Great content, opens your eyes on how to do better in life and clearly inspired many of us to look for a way to make a contribution - does the Support Crew accept randoms like us? Until then, staying alert to ensure I’m not one of the ones who ghosts out of fear of doing the wrong thing.
This was so relatable! Something I appreciated from friends who didn't know what to say was when they just sent funny memes, the cancer patient has some really good ones!! Way better than just disappearing (or in my Grandma's case, disappearing then bitching to my cousins that I didn't reach out to her to ask for help .. while going through cancer treatment during a pandemic and looking after a one year old because I had so much spare time to constantly tell everyone all the things I needed for help ....)
Thank you for this.
Just a little additional education in case it is helpful for others. Many regions of Te Whatu Ora have a Cancer Support Team which is staffed by social workers and psychologists to provide support. Ask your oncologist or community nurse for a referral. The Cancer Society offers free counseling for patients and their family/whānau. (more info here https://www.cancer.org.nz/how-we-can-help/support-we-offer/psychology-and-counselling/) One of my personal favorite resources is Cancer Connect NZ [0800 CANCER (226 237)], a service that will connect you with a peer who had a similar cancer experience to you.
*and* let's keep working to do better.
Thank you so much for sharing! ❤️
Even with a partner, family and many friends cancer can prove to be a lonely experience. My husband didn’t cope well, it felt like I was supporting him more than the other way around. Having had my own mother die from the same cancer while I was in my teens, I felt empathy and tried to ease the burden my loved ones carried. Maybe that was my downfall - I didn’t want them to have the experience I had caring for my mother, my dad (who also didn’t cope well) and my brothers who seemed to believe it was my role to be the supporter and one who gave up their own life to care. Many friends fell by the wayside but the unexpected brilliance was from the handful of people I had considered more acquaintances, who became my true friends sharing the black humour I embraced to cope and the practical things like driving me to treatment when I no longer could.
But the child with a drug problem continued to manipulate me, the child who felt hard done by extended more of the same, the “rah rah” people made me their project, the alternative ones bombarded me with their ideas for a cure (and were highly miffed when I said, “No thanks”)
So, after my ramble, my advice to anyone who has a person they know with cancer is - I know it’s hard to say the right thing, but the only wrong thing to say is nothing.
I couldn’t include everything Rachael from the Cancer Society said but she did talk about how some people fighting cancer end up supporting others and almost counselling them through it ❤️ thank you for sharing and great advice
Thank you so much for this. I was diagnosed with bowel cancer last year, also at 47. I am fine now after surgery, fingers crossed. But please, e hoa mā, if you notice ANYTHING wrong with what you see in the loo or your usual bowel habits, please see your GP. Don't let fear put you off knowing.
❤️❤️❤️ I will and always good to remind people of the symptoms https://bowelcancernz.org.nz/about-bowel-cancer/what-is-bowel-cancer/symptoms-statistics/
Thanks for this Em. The part about assuming people will be supportive really struck me - we are super lucky to have amazing support from family, friends and Child Cancer, but I’m still fucking salty about the people I considered close friends who I’ve barely heard from since Esme was diagnosed. Why are people so weird about cancer?
I so hear you x not even remotely the same as cancer but I was devastated when people didn’t check in when Eddie was diagnosed with T1. I talked to a lot of my friends from the ward and we wondered if it’s this sick kid phenomenon where your child has been in hospital so much they just think you’re used to it or something. Either way it’s pretty horrible 😔 also people only want to hear about a resolution eh? Like people say “is he all better now?” Like uhhhh
So many of my ‘likes’ here are just so I can send a heart. Not really that I like the message, but I want to send some caring in response
That was a heart breaking read. I hate that her experience was so isolating and not uncommon. The movies really do super coat!
I had misread the Support crew piece thinking ol' random like me could join up to support ad hoc. Is that a thing??
I do love that idea!
I’ve had a friend use Support Crew - and when I read this I thought that it was just randoms that could show up as well and thought “ooo I’d do that (when my kids are a bit older perhaps….!)”
Ooof. An excellent article and reminder to do better for those around us - and christ can we please sort out a better system of NGOs in Aotearoa…
I was amazed at the friends that fell away when my dad was diagnosed - and then even more so the ones that disappeared on my mum after he died. People who’d been friends for more than 20 years just slipped away seemingly not knowing what to do - when all they had to do was show up.
It’s such a strong message eh? Just show up. It’s so important to just show up. Even if you don’t know what to do or how to help.
I think about this regularly, as someone living with cancer and a supportive partner and community. Even navigating the health system and advocating for yourself can be super a challenging thing. To do so on your own...
So much gratitude to the NGOs working in this space and the people who check in. Cancer can be such an isolating experience.
I think about this every time someone talks about “the group chat” as if everyone has one. Quite a large percentage of the world is lonely before something bad even happens.
Thanks for this. Angry to hear that Luxon said today that those going through cancer treatment alone should also be working at least 10 hours a week.
Seriously?! Here’s a business model that sprang to mind: a shareholder funded company that employs people forced to work in unreasonable circumstances to research and advocate for more reasonable policy! I know it submits to the stinky ideas but if it ensures that someone in need does not lose their benefit nor suffers penalties….
This is such an eye opening read - I hadn’t realised there was such a stigma around cancer. It’s wonderful that there’s groups like the cancer society that can help but so so shitty that they’re not properly funded (and I guess things will only get worse over the fuckery of the next 3 years). So much aroha to Amy ❤️
Great content, opens your eyes on how to do better in life and clearly inspired many of us to look for a way to make a contribution - does the Support Crew accept randoms like us? Until then, staying alert to ensure I’m not one of the ones who ghosts out of fear of doing the wrong thing.
This was so relatable! Something I appreciated from friends who didn't know what to say was when they just sent funny memes, the cancer patient has some really good ones!! Way better than just disappearing (or in my Grandma's case, disappearing then bitching to my cousins that I didn't reach out to her to ask for help .. while going through cancer treatment during a pandemic and looking after a one year old because I had so much spare time to constantly tell everyone all the things I needed for help ....)