Who’s afraid of Te Reo Māori?

Meet Anne.

Just a day or two into the Coalition of Cruelty government, Prime Minister Winston Peters has slammed te reo Māori names for government departments. The agreement struck between New Zealand First and National includes renaming public service departments at what is likely enormous expense to “have their primary name in English, except for those specifically related to Māori”. Deputy Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has said kiwis New Zealanders he met "didn’t know" the difference between Waka Kotahi NZ Transport Agency, Te Pūkenga New Zealand Institute of Skills and Technology and Te Whatu Ora Health New Zealand. He could not expand on that as Prime Minister Peters said he’d put his cigarette out on his head if he kept talking. David Seymour was unavailable for comment as he was giving a double handjob to two gun lobbyists.

I met one of those people, Anne. This is my earnest attempt to understand the mindset of her fear of learning Te Reo kupu (words).

Emily: Hi Anne, is now a good time to talk?

Anne: Well, as good a time as any. I’m at the store. I have five minutes.

Emily: Sure, well, thank you for your time.

Anne: Go ahead.

Emily: So, I wanted to ask about what your concerns are around understanding the names of government departments.

Anne: Well, it’s just impossible to understand isn’t it? I don’t know any Maori do I?

Emily: Well, you know some Māori – kia ora, kiwi, kai, whānau-

Anne: No, well those are English really at this point.

Emily: So repetitive use of Māori kupu normalises it and makes it so everyone understands it?

Anne and her husband Steve

Anne: There you go I don’t know what kupu means.

Emily: It means words.

Anne: How would I know that?

Emily: You can just ask can’t you? You asked and I told you and now you know.

Anne: Well, how will I remember that? Let me tell you I am not a racist in 1993, that was the final first-past-the-post election, we had a referendum to replace First-Past-The-Post with MMP and I voted for MMP. Jim Bolger won a second term in office and the referendum was won by 53% I think.

Emily: Wow, you have an excellent memory.

Anne: It’s not like you can just ask “what’s that word mean” can you?

Emily: Have you ever tried?

Anne: I am quite shy. I am 67 and I would never just ask someone outright what a- EXCUSE ME! Where is the Blanc de Noirs? *unintelligible response* Do you not understand? I don’t want Blanc de Blancs I want BLANC DE NOIRS. Do you not get it? Where’s your manager. This is appalling service and I’m not having it. Get your manager right now. Emily? Are you there?

Emily: Yes, I am, is everything OK?

Anne: These imbeciles don’t know their Demi Sec from their Dom Pérignon is the problem. It’s been an excruciating day to be honest. Moore Wilsons is completely out of Roquefort.

Emily: I’m not sure what Roquefort is but-

Anne: Hello, yes, you’re the manager? Your worker doesn’t know the basics of champagne and I would like you to know I will not be shopping here again. Thank you and good day! Yes, as I said Emily, a lot of us just don’t feel comfortable asking what a Maori word means. We are not used to standing up for ourselves and it feels as if our language is being minimised.

Emily: Have you been forced to not speak English?

Anne: Yes actually because if they have us say Te Whatu Ora instead of Health New Zealand that is actually saying I can’t speak English isn’t it? I don’t even know what Te Whatu Ora means!

Emily: Well, you just said Health New Zealand so you do know what it means.

Anne: I do now. But all these other words. If you say Health New Zealand people don’t know what you mean.

Emily: Have you tried to get a service through Health New Zealand and not been able to because you called it by its English name?

Anne: Goodness no girl, I have private health insurance.

Emily: Do you feel like you could learn a little bit more Māori?

Anne: I can’t just go to university and study Māori for six years, I mean I imagine you can’t even study it there’s not many words.

Emily: Well, there are, but if you think there’s not many words to learn, wouldn’t that make it easy to learn them?

Anne: I am older than you. I don’t have the same ability to just pick up a new thing! Sorry hold on – Lynne! My darling how are you! *air kiss noises* Will I see you at the glass blowing class on Wednesday? Wonderful! Are you going to Italian book club on Thursday night? I can’t Friday I am starting a French baking class. Tootleloo darling! Emily what were you saying? I don’t have a lot of time in my life to just devote to learning new tricks! I have to focus on important things.

Emily: I’m just wondering if there’s a compromise you’d be OK with in this discussion?

Anne: Look, my husband Steve is a fan of the All Blacks and he quite fancies the Hakas you know? I’m not against Māoris. And I have seen Dame Kiri Te Kanawa live many times. But there’s got to be a line you know? Respect for cultures. So if it was an English name and then a Māori name that would be fine.

Emily: It’s currently a Māori name and English name together – is that not acceptable?

Anne: I think English needs to be first.

Emily: Why?

Anne: You know why Emily. Now I need to go. I have brunch.