Your children are untrustworthy perverts

And other wisdom from Some Guy

When I had my babies a decade ago, I discovered there was an industry built around ‘training’ parents to ‘train’ their babies. I was writing then about how our baby would not sleep. I mean really would not sleep.

He’s nine now and we found out when he was four why he does not sleep. Let’s just say that nobody can change a child’s neurotype, so we were right not to listen to the endless parade of people who told us we were just too soft.

But back then, I despaired over these so-called “experts” who were endlessly given credibility by the media and well-meaning early education centres and mum support groups.

I would rant at my husband about it. “Look at this!” I’d yell, shoving my phone in his face. “She calls herself a “sleep development support worker” that’s not a thing!! THAT IS NOT A THING!”.

My husband eventually got into it too and would say “OK, here’s one - Paediatric Neuroscience Educator. What do you think his qualification is?”.

And I would yell out “None! He’s just Some Guy!”.

Some Guy became our catch-all for the ‘experts’ who pop up and monetise every aspect of parenting. Some Guy was the audacity you have to have in order to contact organisations and offer to speak to them ‘for free’ but really - it was just an extended informercial for your business. A long ad for your course, a course parents don’t actually need.

Now that my kids are older, I have discovered the new Some Guy. The new Some Guy is The Cyber Safety Expert whose informercial you have to see at your kid’s school and then your kid’s intermediate a year later.

Adolescent Web Security Safety Professional AKA Some Guy

I went along to hear from the Cyber Safety Expert a few years ago for the same reason every other parent did - because I want to keep my kids safe online. Despite knowing about the Some Guy phenomenon I did not check to see who this guy was.

I wrongly assumed he’d be with NetSafe or in some kind of public service representative role - with Police or something I dunno…I should have known he was just Some Guy.

Well, I found it out very quickly given his advice was: Don’t let your children have devices until they’re 18.

Yes, I’m serious. He talked about how he wouldn’t let his child work out with Spotify playing (???) and how his kids hate him (this was funny apparently IDK?) and how his daughter left home as a young teen because of his rules. He talked about how there used to be just pictures of naked women on the wall (I dunno it was so confusing) but now if you look up Peppa Pig it’s PEPPA PIG FUCKING A PIG I dunno, I’m paraphrasing but honestly. It was that level.

The key message was that your children can never be trusted. Oh and - the internet is full of people who want to molest your children. Also, you can’t even Google song lyrics without getting a video of quadruple penetration or something. At one point he made some sexist comments about mothers and a mum walked out.

Needless to say, some parents left absolutely terrified and my friend and I stared at each other in the car parking lot like “What on God’s Green Earth was that?”. We were speechless. It was the most ridiculous information session for parents I’ve ever been to - and I have been to literally hundreds of information sessions for parents covering everything from tummy time to how to get your kids into sport (the perils of being a speaker whose niche is ‘you need someone to either make your audience laugh or cry before they have their buffet’).

It was clear it was just an infomercial for a course - and indeed this guy sells like months long courses for parents. I counted the number of parents in the room, priced up the ‘koha’ to have him speak - and I couldn’t help but admire the grift.

I also decided in that moment that I would give to parents what I had wanted from that session - tangible ways to keep your kids safe online.

Because we absolutely DO need to keep our tamariki safe online. Last year, I presented The Courage Club - a (free) podcast for brave chats about our kids, disability and sexual safety.

I had so much feedback about how useful the conversations were and I hoped another podcast would come out covering talking to kids about sex and porn. And it has!

The Good Sex Project just released two incredible episodes supporting parents to have conversations with their kids about sexual safety and porn. It was EXACTLY what I needed as a parent.

After I listened to the episode with actual experts Yumi Stynes (whose work is in collaboration with actual doctor Dr Melissa Kang who specialising in adolescent sexuality and sexual health) and Dr Jane Cherrington (who you might remember from my clitoris story), I felt something I have barely ever felt after hearing a discussion about tweens and safety - I felt EMPOWERED.

I mean what the? Don’t they know they’re meant to sell me something? Not give me the tools I need to keep my kids safe. They clearly don’t understand the art of the grift.

Anyway, the episode was amazing. And it reminded me that there are ways to share information that leaves people unafraid and able to take on the challenges they have to take on.

We have to talk to our kids about sex and porn. We have to do what we can to keep them safe online. And as all of the research everywhere shows - you cannot just ‘slam down the laptop’ on porn or just take away your child’s device.

A child that hates you and has no media literacy is not a safe child. Believing your child won’t see porn if you do not allow any access to devices is naive. And believing your child will be suddenly equipped to handle porn or any other aspect of cyber safety at some arbitrary age like 18 when you’ve never even discussed it with them is ridiculous.

[[I mean c’mon look at how many Boomers comment on AI pictures on Facebook thinking they’re real - there’s no age limit to not being able to navigate the internet]].

So, with all that in mind - consider this the first part in a series on keeping kids safe online that will hopefully be very simple, funny, and most of all: USEFUL.

We will start with on Wednesday: Five Things You Can Do Right Now (for free or for very cheap) To Keep Your Kids Safe Online with Josh Drummond. We don’t need to be scared. We do need to be prepared. And there are HEAPS of tools available that are free to get us safe.

We can do this. You can do this. And I’m not going to charge you $1500 to tell you how.